I'm 3 gins in and so I therefore assume that you all want to hear about the time that the president of the united states got so annoyed with the lack of action from his commanding general that he planned & executed his own amphibious invasion?

Bc yolo, I guess
#drunjhistory

So, it's May, 1862, and ol Abe Lincoln is on his way to go see his asspain of a general, George McClellan, who with his enormous army is INCHING his way up the VA Peninsula so cautiously that anyone with logs painted as cannons could stop him

As they repeatedly did

Lincoln, ol beardy buckeye Sec War Stanton, Salmon "I'm not a fuckin fish" Chase, and Gen Egbert Ludovicus Viele, who I assume was there because they needed an engineer with a batshit insane name, well, they're all en route to Fort Monroe, a big ass fort on the VA Peninsula

They arrive there, full of happiness to NOT be in DC. Yes, everyone has always hated being in DC, especially when it gets to be too hot. So they run away to the nearest war they can find. Escaping DC heat is why we have wars. And also, falling down resorts in New England

Lincoln and his party go aboard USS Minnesota, a beautiful 44 gun screw frigate which isn't as dirty as it sounds. Lil Stanton had vertigo and got all scared going up her side but you gotta follow the president, and he'd already loped his way up

Poor lil guy

Now, Lincoln, all he wants to do is have a heart to heart with Little Mac, and maybe also light a fire under his ass, literally. But he's told that the general is too busy to see him. So, he goes to see what the Navy is doing. Mainly, blockading. Lots of blockading

The US squadron off Hampton Roads and Norfolk is still all shell shocked from that time in March when a rebel ironclad shot up half the squadron and all the noble sailing ships had to be rescued by a "cheesebox on a shingle" as USS Monitor was called. So everyone's edgy

With no general to meet, Abe is antsy. He points to the rebel batteries on Sewell's Point, protecting Norfolk, VA, and asks why no one has done anything about them. Soooo many awkward mutterings. Lots of hems and some Haws. Flag Officer Goldsborough couldn't think of a reason why

So Abe, all six feet two of him, is like, ok, how bout you guys do something and they're like, yessir, maybe we better had and run off to make things happen. This is the morning of May 7. That afternoon, the Navy does Navy things and bombards the batteries, blowing em to hell

Lincoln's pretty pleased but then - uh oh. Cue the foreboding music. They see smoke and into view hoves the damn CSS Virginia, all ready to shoot holes into wooden ships. Those ships all back off leaving little Monitor to give Virginia the finger

Virginia pauses

Then runs away

So, Lincoln, Stanton, and chase, they're pretty well pleased with themselves. Lincoln then goes to see if he can find some soldiers to land and take the point. He finds gen John wool, who is 78, and a veteran of all the wars between 1812 and 1861. like, this guy IS history

Wool, as you'd expect, is not all about doing things rapidly. He's like an ent. He doesn't wanna be hasty. Some other officers hazard that maybe Ambrose Burnside & his facial hair can march north to take Norfolk. From North Carolina.

At this point ya gotta imagine Abe is pissed

Then Wool makes a big ol mistake. He comes up with an excuse: that they haven't identified any good landing sites. Welp. That's how a 78yo general & the secretary of the Treasury ended up sailing along the rebel coast, with Chase returning, all happy about finding a landing site

Buuuuuut that isn't enough for Abe. Oh no. He IDs a BETTER spot on the chart, talking with a harbor pilot. And just to make sure, he demands to go see it

Like. The PRESIDENT

On the night of May 8, he and Stanton and a handful of troops are put ashore in rebel held territory

As everyone is having collective heart attacks right now, the president and secretary of war are happily splashing thru the surf and inspecting the beach, while the secretary of the treasury is manning a gunboat to provide fire support

Happiest cabinet members EVER

Some rev cavalry even show up, and chase is all ready to blow them to hell for the honor of the treasury department, but Lincoln, back on his little tugboat, signals him not to, so Chase didn't get his combat action badge that day

Everyone gets safely back & heart attacks cease

On May 11, 5,000 troops splash ashore as Lincoln and Stanton watch from the revenue cutter Miami. Chase and ole engineer Egbert go along too, because...I mean...I dunno, like, for funsies?

Regardless, the rebs were already abandoning Norfolk & scuttling the Virginia

Chase gets pissed off with how slow everyone is going and puts eggy in charge, and they move right along and capture Norfolk, with chase somehow in the chain of command, because fuckit, that's why

Abe is obviously very happy, visits Norfolk the next day to see his handiwork

At this point, if you're McClellan, who's taken months to capture a fort with fake guns only to have your boss show up & fuckin blitz a rebel city, ya gotta be filled with self reflection and shit

Well, 1/2 of that

Just shit

Pure shit. Mac refuses to acknowledge what happened

In FACT, as Abe is headed back to DC with his happy cabinet, minus Engineer Eggy who gets left in Norfolk as military governor, Mac declares that it was HIS sorry ass that engineered the capture of Norfolk

NOW DO YOU SEE WHY I HATE MCCLELLAN SO MUCH

So, uh, anyways, that's how the president and part of his cabinet engineered the retaking of the US navy base at Norfolk and forcing the destruction of the ironclad Virginia, all while freaking the everliving dogshit out of everyone around them

Be well, folks