Look, it's April 17, and that means we drink for Rear Admiral David Dixon Porter, ok

I don't make the rules, I just enforce em

Now, you might ask WHY we do such a thing, and I say, we drink for DDP because OTD in '63, the Rebs in Vicksburg, MS had a VERY BAD MORNING INDEED

First up, an apology to the US Navy because an Army guy is gonna talk navy stuff. But only a small apology. Because reasons. With that out of the way:

D Squared Porter. What a dude. Weren't allowed to be in his family unless you were a naval hero. Straight up.

Like, to the point of his dad, Commodore David Porter, adopting a kid named James whose mom had died and that kids changes his name to David, too, joins the Navy and becomes the first full admiral in US Navy history

David motherflippin damn your torpedoes Farragut

Yes, everyone in the family was named David. David Dixon had a cousin David Henry, who with DD's dad David, ran off to serve with the Mexican Navy in the 1820s after dad David got a reprimand from the US Navy

If you're confused at this point, you've got every right to be

There was a Thomas Porter, but he got killed while the Porters were fighting Spain with the Mexican Navy. The 1820s were a helluva time.

Anyways, bizarre stories short, David Dixon Porter ends up back in the US Navy again, where he does normal US Navy stuff.

Like ship camels

Yes, camels. Sec War Jeffy Davis had this brilliant idea that camels would do well in the deserts of the regions seized from Mexico. Porter commanded the ship that brought the said camels. Much like Jeff Davis's next venture in life, the camel one didn't work out too well

It was in 1861 that DDP really comes into his own. Right around, well, NOW, in 1861, Lincoln was facing multiple southern states having large and furious tantrums. Like toddlers. Toddlers who got angry if you tried to take away their slaves. Armed and organized toddlers

With Fort Sumter fallen, there was one other federal installation that the tantrum slavers wanted. Fort Pickens, off Pensacola. Lincoln tasked SecState Seward, Montgomery Meigs, and David Dixon Porter with a secret mission to reinforce Pickens

I'd watch this buddy comedy, btw

OTD in 1861, Porter lands US troops at Pickens, denying Pensacola as a port to the rebels for the rest of the war, and making the rebel commander very sad

Who was that commander?

Just Braxton Bragg, the CSA's greatest fuckup, that's all

Namesake of Fort Bragg, US Army. Ijs

Now, FAST FORWARD TWO YEARS. thank you for your understanding. I didn't feel like going thru the whole war AGAIN

So it's 1863 and

Hang on, I need another drink.

Where was I. Right. 1863. The rebs have been kicked in the crotch 3 ways in the west. They've got Vicksburg, tho

What's Vicksburg, you ask? I'M SO GLAD YOU INQUIRED

It's this city on bluffs overlooking the Mississippi. Big ass bluffs. It's an engineers DREAM to defend. Much terrain. Very deny enemy use of. Vicksburg controlled the whoooooole-ass Mississippi, and was the key to the west

David Farragut had steamed his way up the Mississippi the year prior, after he kicked in the Confederacy's back door at mobile bay, but only had his ginormous brass...cannon. no, actually, they were cast iron, jk. But he didn't have infantry so the rebs told him to scoot

Enter a cloud of cigar smoke, closely followed by Hiram Ulysses Grant. Ol Hiram was hankering for Vicksburg in a bad way. But the problem was just how to get his army there without getting blown to bits in front of the strong fortifications there.

US Grant, tho, he had patience

After just, ya know, trying the forts, in case they were a bluff (they weren't), Grant began to scheme. He had a lotta schemes. Probably the biggest was digging a canal thru the swamps on the left side of the river to float Porters gunboats thru them to safety

Malaria said no

After the US Army dug canals across half of Louisiana, Grant and Porter decided that they had one option left: the absolute batshit craziest option. See, the problem was that the only way to get Grant's army to be able to siege Vburg was to cross below the city and march up

To do this, they needed Porter's navy to be below Vburg, too. See, in the Civil War, the Army and the Navy worked closely together to achieve success, unlike today, when they only work to score larger piles of money from the DOD budget for shit neither of them really need.

But here's the thing: vicksburg is like, protecc on protecc on protecc. Stacks on stacks on STACKS of batteries of massive guns on cliffs overlooking the river, which could shoot the navy's gunboats from literally above them. Math & gravity pointed to a big ol nope for the Navy

Grant basically gives Porter a "good luck, bud" clap on the back and heads down the west bank of the Mississippi with his army. Porter's like "thanks, I hate it" at the plan, but it's all they got. To make matters even MORE interesting, he knows that even if he makes it...

... he can't go back up the river. Basically, he's cutting himself off from his base of supplies. This is one of those 19th century military no-nos, like angering a Corsican or invading Russia. ALSO he's gotta sneak empty transports for the army down with him.

Oh, and if the Navy fails, the whole doggone Army of the Tennessee is stuck on the wrong side of the river. No biggie, at all.

So, DdP, he gets 8 gunboats and three transports together for the fun excursion. Because they won't have supplies, he has every gunboat tow coal boats

DDP was no dummy. he scheduled this shindig for a night with no moon and one where all the reb officers were at a dance. lots of drunk artillery officers.

wait. is that redundant? it might be redundant.

Anyways. at 9:30 PM on April 16, the flotilla sets off down the river

also, DDP noted that they left their dogs behind. Which takes a lot of stress off all of us who worry about dogs in wartime conditions. he did it more for the barking thing, less for the care for their wellbeing thing, but still, it's nice to know they were ok

prior to setting off, the Navy dudes strapped like everything possible to the sides of their gunboats: cotton, haybails, chains, logs, kitchen sinks, very small rocks, churches, you name it, all in an effort to put something else between them and 100lb solid shot

i mean, yeah

As they began to pass the city, Porter had a thought that they might just pull off the surprise thing.

NOPE. even drunk artillery officers are still artillery officers, and artillery officers are always looking for things to shoot at. sentiries lit big ol fires on the riverside

everything now totally illuminated, the rebs opened up, targeting the lead boat, USS Benton, with solid shot & shell; she, with 4 inches of iron plating over 40 inches of oak, began to reply in kind, blasting canister from her 11 inch dahlgrens into the faces of the reb gunners

the thunder of the batteries and return fire from the US Navy "soon put a stop to any revelry that might be going on in Vicksburg" noted DDP, which is the kindest way of describing the biggest partycrashing and cockblocking event in US military history

USS Lafayette, next in line, was getting similar treatment. Round shot hit her 9 times, blowing massive holes in her. LT Smith, an officer aboard, wrote "In such a case, it was hard to ‘turn the other cheek ;’ in fact, it was more satisfactory to give than to receive."

This is a nice way of saying that the gunboat double shotted its 9 and 11 inch dahlgrens with grap and canister and discharged them directly into the faces of rebel battery crews

like, just

don't piss off the US Navy of 1863, ok? They will crash your party with double grape

Over 100 rebels guns blazed away for 2.5 hours. Of the 3 transports, only the ironically-named Henry Clay (ironic because his compromises got us into this mess) took so much damage that she was sunk. the crew was rescued. this was the only loss.

So much for that reb artillery

Out of 525 shots fired, the rebs scored only 68 hits. In this time, each ship was subjected to the fire of the batteries for 30 minutes which is 30 minutes longer than i ever want to be a slow, floating target made of a flammable substance

The US cost was 14 WIA and ZERO killed

The next morning, Grant rode 17 miles thru swamps and bayous to meet Porter below the city. gotta imagine the exchange
USG: uh, so, rough night?
DDP: was so-so, chipped a nail
USG: i missed u
DDP: fuck you, too
*they hug it out*

Meanwhile, ol "dickwad" Pemberton, commanding traitorsville in Vicksburg is wiring Joe Johnston that he might actually be in very serious, very bad, big ol trouble with a capital T and can he please send reinforcements because now Grant can cross the river any ol time

And this is precisely what grant does. Just a few days later, the Navy lands 17,000 troops south of Vicksburg in the largest US amphibious landing until JUne 6 1944. See, i may be drunj, but I still remember my amphibious landing dates. Priorities, kids. Priorities.

IN what a historian will someday call a "goddam ballsy and bold-as-shit plan," Grant cuts himself off from his supplies and scoots north to bottle up Vicksburg from the south, giving Joe Johnston a few good kicks along the way

I must confess: i'm that historian, it me

After two months of siegery - that's the technical name for it, yes - Pemberton surrenders Vicksburg to Grant on July 4, 1863. The US achieves the double whammy of victory at Gettysburg and Vicksburg on the same day.

I really hope Jeff Davis cried. That dickweasel.

Lincoln announced, "the father of waters again goes unvexed to go fuck yourself, Jeff Davis," and flipped Richmond the bird when he received the news of Vicksburg's fall. FINE, no, he did not, you're right. But he COULD have.

Suffice to say, it was a pretty big deal

US Navy control of the Mississippi cut the confederacy in half, just like that good southern boy, Gen Winfield Scott, US Army, had planned back in '61. The war in the west was practically won for the US, while bobby lee knew that the clock was ticking a lot faster for his army

Ol DD Porter continued to fuck things up for the rebellion for the duration of the war, including at Fort Fisher, NC, where he used lift-and-shift fire tactics that would be familiar to any SAW gunner in the US Army today. After the war, he reformed the Naval Academy and stuff

DDP died in 1891, at the age of 77 with SIXTY TWO YEARS OF SERVICE

That makes me tired just thinking about it.

Here's to you, D-squared Porter, this #drunjhistory is in your honor

(And sorry again to the US Navy. But not REALLY sorry)