So. Twitter. I've just had the plumber round.
The bath had been leaking & there was a damp patch on the ceiling. We didn't know if it was the pipes or the sealant, so we brought in a pro
Like all awkward middle-class men, I'm on the back foot when confronted by tradesmen. Don't know what to talk about. Drop my aitches.
So I made him tea (milk, no sugar) and made small talk. Talked about the cats, about making wine. You know. Small talk.
Halfway trough, the talk turned to nuclear war. You know me. I'm a cheery soul, and I'd already talked about cutting off Bourbon's penis.
"I'm actually writing a show about the Cold War, and how close we've come to armageddon"
"To what?"
"Oh, Armageddon"
Twitter. I could hear the capital "A".
"Well yes, you see, that's coming soon"
"Yeah, I'm a bit worried. Especially with Trump in power"
"Oh. You don't like him?"
" I think he's a maniac, and a dangerous man, and a threat to world security"

It turns out, that is an Incorrect Opinion.
You see, Trump is actually amazing. He's a businessman. An excellent businessman. And he's far better than Obama. He's done much more.
Certainly better than Hillary. Better by far than our one. Because you see, leadership is



He's not a chauvinist, of course. It's just that Jesus chose twelve disciples, and they were all men.
And, you see, that's part of the problem. Women are in power. Men used to be, and men will be in future. Because he knows what will happen.
My plumber, it transpires, has a complete understanding of what will happen in the next few years.
(This is very much a one-way conversation, interspersed with polite smiles, "that's interesting"s, and "I'm not sure I agree"s)
Did you know that there is a certain alignment of the stars that foretells the end of the world? Luckily, I had actually heard about this.
And so I could say things like "oh yes. The woman with the crown of stars and the agony of birth". This level of interaction was a mistake.
Do not encourage these people, twitter.
People do not respect authority anymore, you see? Look at how many people are in prison in America. That's why we will lose the next war.
God was on our side during the first and second word war, but he won't be for the next one. Because we have turned our backs on him.
And have women leaders.
So soon will begin the Tribulations. They will last seven years. Apparently there is a break halfway through.
FYI, the people who believe in The Rapture are wrong. No lifting to heaven. Gosh no. They need to suffer through it.
Earthquakes. War. The water turning bitter. No food on supermarket shelves. You can only trade if you have the mark of the beast.
The Mark could be an implant. A chip. Or a tattoo.
I am suddenly very, very aware of the tattoo of two dancing skeletons on my forearm.
Did you know that they have submarines coated with alien metal? They can withstand hundreds of thousand of degrees.

I did not know this.
Particle beams, you see. Lasers are old hat. Particle beams.
Aliens are a thing, you see. But they're also not.
PLOT TWIST, aliens are actually inter-dimensional demons.
He knows all about demons. And the nephilim. And the race of giants. And human/animal hybrids
(Please don't veer into racism please don't veer into racism)
Oh yes. Hybrids. And do you know, scientists are doing that now? Oh yes. Crossing sheep with goats. His cousin worked at a lab once.
There were rooms that his cousin wasn't allowed in. Rooms where _hybrids_ were being made.
What follows is an actual quote, word for word:
"Imagine a horse with a man's face. That's not right, is it?"
You know what, man standing in my house with a hammer? I absolutely cannot fault your logic, there. A horse with a man's face is *not* right
And, I'll be honest, I never said it was. I'd never even considered its relative merits until you brought it up just this second.
But no, I think we have found something that we can agree on.
We are now twenty minutes into this conversation. All plumbing has stopped. There is no possible way for me to escape.
But that's the way the world is. These hybrids. And inter-dimensional alien demon angels that come from the spirit word.
And now he starts to tell me about the times he has witnessed demonic possession.
He worked on a house once where an alcoholic died at the top of the stairs. His body was unnoticed fr 11 days,& his spirit haunted the place
I cannot even begin to tell you of the effort of will required to not remark on how appropriate it was that an alcoholic had left a spirit.
Luckily, the conversation barreled forward like a fridge rolling down a hill, so my pun didn't get its moment of glory.
So he tells me about the exorcism. Him and his church. Praying, singing songs. Generally driving the spirit away.
The haunting, for those of you who were interested, included "the sound of an ashtray being put down"

Spirits are real, and they'll getcha. Spiritualist churches, people who claim that they can talk to the dead, they're frauds.
Hooray! Another thing that we can agr-

They're frauds because they actually contact demons.
They contact demons and they keep stringing people along with little hits of hope, "like throwing beans for a pig in the forest"

Until eventually, bam, they're telling you what to do and how to live your life. Can you turn the stopcock back on?

Oh yes. You're a plumber, aren't you? That's why you're in my house.
And people are easily led astray, you see. There's witches these days, did you know that? Sounds medieval but it's true.
I am now very aware that I am standing in front of this picture, and with this tattoo.
So watch out for witches. Also did you know that the government are using nuclear drills to bore perfectly smooth holes through mountains?
I did not know this. Luckily he had watched a YouTube video about just this thing. He could tell it was true, because of how the guy sounded
Also the aliens helped the Egyptians. Obviously. Because of heavy rocks.
Where were we? Oh yes. Human civilisation is only six thousand years old and evolution is a lie. Of course.
At this point I'm starting to wonder whether this is some plumbers' ruse. A great game to see what you can say to the chump who made you tea
"He smiled and nodded at the horse with a man's face - how much further can I push this idiot?"
But this is not the case. We're close to wrapping up now - the bath has been sealed and my horizons profoundly expanded. Time to get serious
The world is coming to an end. He's going to sell his possessions & travel around America on an electric skateboard.

At this point? Sure.
This does not even break into the top ten things of "whirligig maniac things this man has said". It's practically _reasonable_.
He doesn't fear death. It's what comes after. Turns out heaven is where it's at, and hell is a generally shit buzz for all concerned.
He tells me that you can only get to heaven by knowing and accepting God, and the alternative is not worth considering.
(At no point, might I add, has he ever actually asked about my personal ontology)
And with that, the bath is fixed. He phones the office to let them know, and packs up his tools. Like none of this happened.
I walk him to the door, wish him well on his travels, and bid him good day. He tries to save my soul one final time, then he's off.
At least he didn't talk to me about the fucking football.
You can follow @Brainmage.
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