Hello again, New York. I might stay awhile. Here is a photo of me pretending I wasn’t just crying. (The previous owner was also Italian so I am legally obligated to grow tomatoes and basil here.)

You know what’s terrifying, is applying for a mortgage. 10 out of 10 do not recommend.

I’m very lucky and very grateful and very scared of such a big responsibility. And mostly so happy to be a New Yorker again. To get to be a part of a community I love, where I’ve lived and visited on and off for many many years. And to be closer to my family.

The home purchasing process really showed me how it’s not set up to help people understand what’s going on. Due to different troubles (including addiction) I didn’t think I would live long and certainly didn’t picture owning a home so I didn’t bother learning about that shit.

But due to very low interest rates and some places accepting less money down than usual, I know some people who are applying for mortgages right now who also never envisioned themselves doing so. Some of them know way more about business than I do & they find it confusing too.

I really can’t believe anybody flips houses for fun or looks at real estate as a cute hobby. That shit is so stressful, my God. So complicated. If we are supposed to look at homeownership as a good thing, I wish they would teach us more about it in school.

Anyway I’ll be in debt until the end of time but I’m very grateful to have the privilege of this specific midlife crisis. I’ve never put down roots before and I don’t think it would’ve been possible if I didn’t have many benefits, one of which is a sober community.

I have always lived my life in such a manner that I felt I could pack up everything I owned, shove it into a midsize vehicle and get the fuck out of town in a few hours if necessary. Living like that for the long term when you don’t have to doesn’t make sense. On constant alert.

Some people have to live that way. But to put yourself in that state unnecessarily because of living an old pattern? It’s not OK over time. But if that’s how you are wired, or how you learned you had to be for some reason, it’s really strange to think about committing to a place.

I’ve worked for many things and I also have a lot of unearned privilege. I have a lot of shame around my financial ignorance and incompetence at mathematics, plus ways I fucked up my money when I was drinking. Applying for a mortgage brings up all that and more.

I don’t know if it was the right decision but I guess in the fullness of time we find those things out. But I know I’m glad to be a New Yorker again. And I know I’m very thankful.

Also the tap water here really is fucking fantastic. I always forget that but it’s true.

If you have suggestions for women, especially WOC, who write about personal finance, please drop them below. Might help somebody who wants to buy a home. I worked for months with a diverse team of women and they all worked super hard and got spoken down to by men every day.

Like these women were mathematical and business geniuses in my personal opinion, or at least incredibly gifted and hard-working people, and the condescension they received…was off the charts.

I recommend @TheBudgetnista and @anomalily as great educators & communicators. Oh, and I learned sometimes paying OFF a loan or card and closing the account can HURT your credit (lowers the age of your credit). So learn about your credit score, a wild scam but you CAN raise it!

I have one friend who filed for bankruptcy and was able to recover and keep her home and her credit score is improving. Another friend lost her home, filed for bankruptcy, and 8 years later has near perfect credit AND feels renting is the best choice forever.

Anyway, this turned into a long thread about a bunch of stuff. Thanks for reading, hope it wasn’t too annoying and if it was, I get it. The folks I tagged are way smarter and more interesting about all this stuff, and they’re not snobs and they make good sense.