Star Trek has taught me that whenever you're having a bad day, you should try shouting "Computer, end program," because you never know.

Alternatively, you can throw out a "What is it you want, Q?" See if that flushes anything out.

A common social faux-pas in the "Star Trek" universe is bellowing "Computer: Freeze Program" and figuring out you're not trapped in a holodeck program, this really is how your cousin's wedding is going down.

"Computer, delete the Barclay character."

"Um, s-sir, I'm really her-"

"Quiet, I'm talking to the computer."

"Computer, can you make the Barclay character 20% less annoying?"

"Sir, I'm standing right here."

"Hmm, the hologram can hear me talk to the computer. The perceptual filters must be malfunctioning."

"Delete the wife."

"Ex-CUSE me?"

"Oh, uh... sorry, did I say that out... uh..."

"Will, today's the day you told my mother you'd take her to the-"

"COMPUTER FREEZE PROGRAM"

"Very funny, Will, I made the reservations for 1500, and-"

*running from the room* "COMPUTER END PROGRAM"

"Q! I'm done playing your sick games!!"

"...if you think this staff meeting has gone on for too long, Lieutenant, you can just say so."

"Q! I know you're behind this, this meeting could have been an e-mail!"

The other thing: have you ever noticed how sometimes the "Captain's Log" entries seem to be recorded like, right in the middle of a dramatic situation? You're coming back from a commercial and Picard's voice-over is catching you up, but when did he have time to make this?

Like, there are four Romulan warbirds outside. Did Picard just fuck off for a minute to add to his diary?

"Sir, where are you going?"

"Log entry. Starfleet will need to know what happened when they find our charred corpses tumbling through an Enterprise-sized debris field."

That's still better than the alternative.

"Captain's Log: the Enterprise is slowly losing power, and there's no way to stop it. It's only a matter of time before we're all dead."

"Uh, sir, we can all hear you-"

"Log continues: the children will die first, of course..."

Constantly recording log entries is the Star Trek equivalent of Tweeting Through It.