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[Aliens planning next wave of invasions]
Alien 1: Fopulon V?
Alien 2: Sure.
A1: Xerkdeez Prime?
A2: Absolutely. They have those amazing larva kabobs.
A1: Awesome. Earth?
A2: What? Absolutely not.
A1: But [flips through notes] they're pre-fusion?
A2: They're fucking crazy. 1/
Alien 1: Fopulon V?
Alien 2: Sure.
A1: Xerkdeez Prime?
A2: Absolutely. They have those amazing larva kabobs.
A1: Awesome. Earth?
A2: What? Absolutely not.
A1: But [flips through notes] they're pre-fusion?
A2: They're fucking crazy. 1/
A1: So what?
A2: You're not hearing me. Humans are insane. A million years ago they were a prey species for every apex carnivore on their continent. Do you know what they did to the carnivores?
A1: Killed... them?
A2: No! They shrunk them down and adopted them as "rescues." 2/
A2: You're not hearing me. Humans are insane. A million years ago they were a prey species for every apex carnivore on their continent. Do you know what they did to the carnivores?
A1: Killed... them?
A2: No! They shrunk them down and adopted them as "rescues." 2/
A2: Now they keep them in their homes and put them in little push carts they use for their own offspring and take pictures they share on a planet-wide information sharing network they use to threaten to kill eachother and exchange images of their meals. They're insane. 3/
A1: Well why don't we just enslave them?
A2: They enslaved eachother!
A1: They what now?
A2: Yeah! For millennia. They only just stopped doing it officially like, yesterday, because some bright bulb came up with the concept of "minimum wage." 4/
A2: They enslaved eachother!
A1: They what now?
A2: Yeah! For millennia. They only just stopped doing it officially like, yesterday, because some bright bulb came up with the concept of "minimum wage." 4/
A1: A wage that meets the minimum requirements of subsistence livi...
A2: I'm going to stop you there because you're trying to make these lunatics make sense.
A1: So what? They're ignorant and unstable. They should make a prime target for conquest.
A2: You'd fucking think so. 5/
A2: I'm going to stop you there because you're trying to make these lunatics make sense.
A1: So what? They're ignorant and unstable. They should make a prime target for conquest.
A2: You'd fucking think so. 5/
A2: But no. How long between them discovering powered flight and landing on their own Moon, do you think?
A1: Well an aggressive technological development program could move from first flight to space flight in as little as two centuries.
A2: 66 years. Not even one lifetime. 6/
A1: Well an aggressive technological development program could move from first flight to space flight in as little as two centuries.
A2: 66 years. Not even one lifetime. 6/
A1: That's impossible.
A2: Sure, for any species that values life. These wackos were less than thirty years into chemical rockets before they built one the size of a skyscraper and stuffed three people inside the top of it. They're. Mental. 7/
A2: Sure, for any species that values life. These wackos were less than thirty years into chemical rockets before they built one the size of a skyscraper and stuffed three people inside the top of it. They're. Mental. 7/
A1: Sounds like we should just nuke them.
A2: [Falls out of chair laughing] They nuked themselves!
A1: Fuck you.
A2: No, seriously! The learned to split the atom and immediately built bombs to kill eachother. Like, first thought. Not infinite clean energy. Bombs. 8/
A2: [Falls out of chair laughing] They nuked themselves!
A1: Fuck you.
A2: No, seriously! The learned to split the atom and immediately built bombs to kill eachother. Like, first thought. Not infinite clean energy. Bombs. 8/
A2: Do you know what happened to the people they nuked?
A1: They... died?
A2: Aaaaahahahaha! THEY BECAME AN INDUSTRIAL POWERHOUSE! They rebuilt from scratch and spent the next forty years making all of the cars and computers. THESE. PEOPLE. CAN'T. DIE. 9/
A1: They... died?
A2: Aaaaahahahaha! THEY BECAME AN INDUSTRIAL POWERHOUSE! They rebuilt from scratch and spent the next forty years making all of the cars and computers. THESE. PEOPLE. CAN'T. DIE. 9/
A1: So... Qaxiklof VIII?
A2: Oh, no doubt. Those idiots still worship their sun. 10/10
A2: Oh, no doubt. Those idiots still worship their sun. 10/10
