So I just had a full blown panic-attack meltdown complete with crying and screaming in front of a bunch of strangers at my workout class....

As some of you may remember, I started going to this gym with a SUPER strict lateness policy (which is pretty much diametrically opposed to what works for a person with #ADHD). For every minute you are late, you get 10 burpees. In front of the class.

If you're not attuned to why that's a problem, allow me to explain quickly:

The ADHD brain has a broken time management system. We can't "feel" time. This is why we do best with A LOT of visual reminders of how much time is passing, cues, alarms, etc.

Many of us struggle with chronic lateness. And this isn't JUST because of the inability to feel time, it's more complex than that. Being on time means being hyperaware of time passing but also planning and plotting how much time something takes - like taking a shower,

getting ready, or driving somewhere - because again, we can't measure time and our brain discounts things as "zero" time. An example in a book I read once said, "if I work at 9:30, and it's 9:28, I somehow still think I have time to do the dishes before I leave".

our brains just... discount time. On top of that, leaving to get somewhere on time involves knowing where your shit is. If you go to leave and suddenly can't find your keys, your shoes, you forgot to turn the stove off, etc, because of distractibility,

even the most carefully-laid plan can be derailed by the past version of you who wasn't paying attention to where they put stuff. Another aspect of ADHD - low self awareness. Of course, if we could catch ourselves doing these things, we wouldn't do them!

but that's the whole crux of the issue. The ways in which executive dysfunction get between knowing what we SHOULD do and DOING it at any moment makes managing ADHD so much more persnickety and frustrating than others can understand.

So there have been times i've been late to this gym and have done burpees. Once I missed a whole class cause my brain switched the time from 9:30 to 9:45 and though I WAS READY AN HOUR BEFORE, I *still* managed to fuck it up. I have had the talk with myself many times about

what I need to do to be on time for this class. It boils down to: be in workout clothes with full water bottle ready to walk out the door at 9:15. Class is at 9:30 and like, a 5 minute drive away.

FOR WHATEVER FUCKING REASON lately I keep driving the wrong way and have to take a more circuitous route which throws the whole thing off. This only started happening lately, like the last 3 or 4 times. It was close call but I made it.

Today, I was ready in my workout gear with water at 9:15. I looked at the clock and thought, "it's 9:15. I have to leave." Then I sat there until 9:18. Not doing anything, not thinking, "I have more time", thinking "I have to leave". Then I drove the wrong way.

I turned around and got stuck behind a slow driver. Every minute the clock ticked by as I drove my anxiety was rising and rising. Every time I go to this class and am even remotely at risk of being late, this happens. I get more anxious and dysregulated the closer I get

and I have to talk myself out of turning around and just going home. So by the time I arrive at this class cutting it close, I'm like at a 9/10 emotional dysreguation. Today I made at...

9:30

I ran over yelling "im not late! I made it!"
instructor: "yes you are, you don't have your gear, you have to do 10 burpees"
Me, internally: *fucking dies*

So there I was, coaching myself through the workout session. I basically cried and hyperventilated myself through the session a little bit, but it was raining so no one could tell. I kept thinking, "you can make it to the end, just do the burpees,

go home and see if you're still upset about it tomorrow", like basically, just get through it. And I did, and I did the burpees. And it took SO MUCH EMOTIONAL EFFORT not to like, get up and leave out of shame and frustration.

and then, without any warning and completely a surprise to me, my body just....crumbled. I literally WAILED. Like, a long, weird, scream-y wail just... came out of me. That has happened to me before VERY rarely and only under EXTREME duress. That's a panic attack for me.

of course everyone freaked out and the instructor came running over and I was like, doubled over on the ground in the rain sobbing and he was like "whats wrong?" and then I was like "I WAS LATE THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG" and proceeded to go on a little yelling tirade about how hard

it had been for me to make sure I could adhere to this somewhat-draconian lateness policy. Anyway, I stumbled away and managed to mumble "it's fine, I'm just emotionally dysregulated!" and then sobbed into my sweater.

note to clients ill see today: I AM FINE THIS IS A THING THAT HAPPENS SOMETIMES NOT OFTEN BUT SOMETIMES. Just part of that ole ADHD experience, right?

I think I didn't realize how much this lateness policy was bringing up a lot of shame and guilt for me. I really like this gym and the instructor otherwise, and it works for me in a lot of ways, but this is obviously like a boundary I need to respect with myself.

I just am not willing to be put in a position of shame or embarrassment about lateness because lateness really isnt something I can control. It is something I can probably control once, one time, on purpose... but ongoing timeliness requires hypervigilance always,

because I can get in my own way SO. MANY. WAYS. If I could have that kind of self-awareness at every point where I might misplace my keys, discount time, etc... guess what.. I wouldn't have ADHD.

tl;dr ADHD is an actual fucking disability and yes your lateness policy should be disability inclusive so I don't gotta freak out in front of everyone.

anyway please enjoy my embarrassing adventure and validate my ADHD with a stamp