Tenure is not anticlimactic to me.

Here are some words people have encouraged me to write to overcome fear and to be my whole authentic self visibly and joyfully. These words deal with tenure, motherhood, and mental illness.

Seven months before starting the tenure track, I became a mother and my mind shattered. I had struggled, almost entirely in silence, with my mental health since I was 10. There were cracks. But after giving birth—immediately after giving birth—I broke apart. 2/12

I was 32 and had never received mental healthcare aside from a few quickly abandoned attempts at therapy. Later, I’d learn that I’d had serious symptoms for years. Later, psychiatrists raised their eyebrows as I recounted my mental health history. But I’d never gotten help. 3/12

Following my daughter’s birth, I struggled with severe postpartum mental illness. It was often debilitating. And right in the midst of it, I began the tenure track. By that point in my life I had developed ways to hide what I was going through. I didn’t want to ask for help. 4/12

I lived like that for a long time, suffering terribly. Finally, a few months short of my daughter’s second birthday, I stepped into a therapist’s office and began to tell my story. Swiftly, very urgently, with skill and compassion, she guided me to psychiatric care. 5/12

What followed was intense. It involved multiple medical providers and 3+ appointments per week, week after week. Determining what was acutely wrong—and what had been wrong since I was 10—took effort. Eventually, I was diagnosed with OCD and Bipolar I, or Manic Depression. 6/12

In the years since, I have accepted help, learned about my illnesses, found effective therapy and medications, developed mental hygiene practices, discovered my family history of mental illness, connected with folks with mental illnesses, and told some family and friends. 7/12

In the years since, I have completed and published a book, had a second child, started a moms’ group, taught my students well, and earned tenure. In the years since, I have remained mostly silent about my health struggles as I have navigated motherhood and academia. 8/12

I have feared the ableist discrimination (“stigma”) prevalent in society and deeply internalized within me. I have feared what I might lose from disclosing the truth. I have feared losing respect, friends, opportunities, tenure, and more. My hands shake as I type this. 9/12

But that’s exactly why I’m “coming out” now. I’m ready, I hope, to be a representative of those with severe mental illness in academia and motherhood, two places where ableist discrimination falls hard. I will be my whole authentic self, visibly and joyfully. 10/12

I stand in solidarity with everyone with any mental illness, neurodivergence, disability. I will do my best to use my privilege to combat ableist discrimination, to increase our ability to disclose without fear, to build up rights and justice. I will try to be an advocate. 11/12

My illnesses are in remission. Stability and predictability are key, and tenure provides more stability and predictability than most can dream of. So no, it’s not anticlimactic. Thanks to all who helped me—professionally, personally, medically—get to tenure, health, courage. /fin

Recommend these resources for academia, motherhood, and/or mental health: @AcademicChatter @OpenAcademics @Momademia @PostpartumHelp @DisabledAcadem @chron_ac @academicvoices @DragonflyMH @MadCovid @stigmafighters @ThisIsMyBrave @BipolarClubDx @DBSAlliance #AcademicMentalHealth