Queen Elizabeth: Charles! What have you done?

Prince Charles w/ a knife: what needed to be done Mother. Keeping Father locked in a prison of rotting flesh--I had to free him

Elizabeth: oh Charles (clouds gather outside; the first drops of blood-rain fall) you have doomed us all

[meanwhile in America, Prince Harry wakes screaming from a deep sleep. No matter the distance he's put between his family and The Crown he still feels the consuming dread sink it's teeth into his bones]

Meghan: what's wrong?

Harry: it's time

Hey on a serious note please help me rescue sick/orphaned/injured cats here in Spain https://twitter.com/ellle_em/status/1378086422368882692?s=19

[Deep in the bowels of the Tower of London there is a faint stirring. A whisper. Shadows collecting in the dank passages of ancient stone. It is very nearly time. The Anima and Animus of Britain are waking]

Zombie Winston Churchill: he is free
Zombie Margaret Thatcher: he isssss

Zombie Winston Churchill: ah I can taste the fires of hell reborn on this earth; the ash as sweet as sugar, the screams as lovely as musice

Zombie Margaret Thatcher: Soon we will have the power to awaken our brethren. Then, with the Throne of Hell claimed this world...is ours

[a bunch of famous dead people in various states of decay: Elizabeth I; the Duke of Wellington; whoever invented Maltesers; an unholy eldritch fusion of the Beatles except for Ringo; Henry VIII]

Henry VIII: um actually...I'm just dressed up as him? I visit schools & all--

Henry VIII: my name's Andy. I'm, uh, from Essex. Can--can I go home? Please?

Zombie Margaret Thatcher & Zombie Winston Churchill: RISE AND CONQUER

Henry VIII: I--er, I'd really--like to go home please

[Meanwhile, in Paris, a lone figure darts through the heart of the city, shrouded in black, moving from shadow to shadow. Arriving at the secret location, the figure places their hand on a nondescript brick wall and, like magic, it opens revealing a narrow staircase]

[The figure descends, down into the catacombs that lie beneath the city. The realm of the dead, the kingdom of bone, the mirror-Paris where all splendor is decay. The figure hurries, the darkness no barrier--the way is known. It has always been known.]

[A small chamber, lit by torches. A throne--of sorts--draped in shadow. The figure pulls down their hood]

Emmanuel Macron, panting: oh goddammit this is the worst

Voice from the shadows: so. the fools. have given in. to human. frailty. we always. knew they. would.

[the rotting corpse of famed French mystical person Nostradamus leans forward, torch-light illuminating the ravages of death and time]

Nostradamus: you. take the scroll. in the place where once. my heart beat. within. is your. destiny.

Macron: ew oh Jesus I have to--oh god

Macron, reaching into the corpse's ribcage: oh holy shit oh my god I'm gonna...no. Be strong. Be strong. Oh my GOD I touched something wet what the

Nostradamus: Jesus christ just grab it and go you baby

[Meanwhile, in Madrid Felipe VI paces back and forth, his face a rictus of worry. Though the sun gleams like gold on the Plaza del Sol, it is only darkness in the king's heart. He'd hoped--no prayed--that this wouldn't happen while he walked the earth but now--]

[Leonor, heir presumptive, watches TikToks on her phone. Finally she looks up, annoyed]

Leonor: just do it

Felipe: it...it's not that easy

Leonor: do it or I swear to GOD I'll post that video of you

Felipe:...how...how could you?

Leonor: with Bad Bunny in the background

Felipe, glaring at his daughter: fine. [he takes a breath, picks up his royal phone which is gold I guess and all fancy. carved with like, bull heads and junk]...Hello Father. It's....it's time

[Back in Buckingham Palace, the blood rain has stained everything bright crimson, falling from the many eyes carved from stone like tears. The ground quakes and everywhere a low roar can be heard]

Charles: Mother why didn't you TELL me?

William: she told me

Charles: wait what

Charles: she told YOU

William: yeah like, ten years ago

Charles: Mother why?

Queen, shrugging: well I honestly thought I'd outlive you Charles. So I didn't feel the need

Charles: .......bother

Queen: I mean I would never have thought you, of all people, would free the beast that wore your father's skin. You're...well, dear, you're very boring. And weak-willed. If you were a color you'd be...oh I suppose an institutional beige of some sort. Maybe an off-white

William: yeah dad you're kinda the worst

Charles: fine. I'm the worst. But what do we do now?

Queen: once it has begun, there is no way to stop the inevitable. The Beast has claimed the throne of Hell and he awaits the one thing that will complete his eldritch power

Charles: I suppose she told YOU what that one thing is

William: oh yeah. And Harry. And the guy who walks her dogs. And this man who dresses up as Henry VII for school children. And maybe a tree, I don't--

Charles: I get it

Queen: oh Charles. What he requires is.....me

[Meanwhile, in his castle of stone and steel, Vladimir Putin watches the royals through one of his state-of-the-art spy cameras, hidden expertly behind Charles' left eye. An aide appears]

Aide: yes sir?

Putin: an auspicious day. Tell them I want ten tigers to fight. No. Fifteen

[deep beneath the Red Square two old men dressed in crisp Red Army uniforms stand guard. They've grown pale after years in the subterranean gloom, skin like glass, veins pulsing close to the surface. In front of them: a control panel. For over 80 years they have watched. Waiting]

[the sharp ringing of a telephone cuts through their years of uninterrupted quiet. While the world above has changed, fallen & risen, they have remained at their post]

Sergei: after...all these years

Evgeni: it is time

Together they press a button labeled: Владимир Ленин

[Back in America]

Harry: so...my grandfather's hate-encrusted soul was tamed, made safe; Philip's gross rotting banana of a body was the only thing that could hold the darkness within

Meghan: so that's why your grandmother was injecting him with whale semen

Harry:...wait what

Meghan: never mind. So what will his soul do now that it's free?

Harry: it will re-create all the earth into a mirror of hell. The Harrowing will wake the vengeful dead; all will be fire and rage. Margaret Thatcher will return from the dead with leathery wings & burning eyes

Meghan: so there's no hope

Harry: I didn't say that. First, Philip's corrupted, rancid beans-on-toast of a soul can only claim ultimate power when my grandmother's soul is free to sit beside him on the thrones of hell

Meghan: right, because he's only a consort

Harry: lol yeah

Harry: so as long as my grandmother is still alive, Philip will not attain its full strength. But there's more: this event was foretold & so a secret process was transcribed & split among the most powerful rulers. The knowledge of the secret has been passed down for centuries

[a lengthy pause ensues. Meghan frowns, deep in thought & then a look of abject horror spreads across her face.]

Meghan: so you mean to tell me the fate of all humankind lies in the hands of a bunch of useless corrupt dinguses?

Harry: uh...hmm that makes it sound so much worse

Meghan: great. we're doomed.

[Meanwhile, in a run-down pub on the outskirts of Colchester, two average looking men watch the empty street through the bloodstained window.]

Damien: where the bloody fvck is Andy

Colin, aka "Bean-Knuckles" : dunno but (takes a swig of cider) I'm startin' without 'im.

Hey! Gonna put this here again! My family and I rescue sick, injured, unwanted cats. We do it all on our own and we always need support to help us with expenses. Here are some ways you can help out! https://twitter.com/ellle_em/status/1378086422368882692?s=19

[Meanwhile, in America. Joe Biden and Kamala Harris are running through the White House halls, falling down flights of stairs, skidding around corners like in an action movie. Finally, they burst into the Oval Office and head toward the big desk]

Harris: you're sure it's there

Biden: of course it's there. Barack and I did drills for this all the time.

Harris: so those pictures of you two cavorting--?

Biden: yup. Just a cover. Ah, here we go.

[Biden finds the secret drawer and begins to pull it open but the drawer is stuck. Biden jimmies it]

Harris: what is it?

Biden: it's...like jammed or something [keeps pulling]

Harris: oh my god just...get out of the way grandpa. [Attacks the drawer like it's the underprivileged mother of a truant Californian child] ok, it's...it's out!

[Biden and Harris look inside]

Harris: my god

Biden: what the absolute Catholic hell...?

[Stare at one another, eyes widening in understanding]

Harris:..he didn't. He couldn't have

Biden: god help us he did

[The secret drawer is filled to the top with empty Diet Coke cans. It's original contents: gone]

Ok I'll stop beating this dead horse, I just wanted to get that last joke in

Unless you all want my Trudeau segment

Also someone famous she RT this so it can be made into a movie where every part is played by Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson except for Charles, who is played by a beige wall

[Meanwhile, in Australian]

Hugh Jackman: what...what am I doing here

Nicole Kidman: the writer doesn't know who the current Prime Minister of Australia is so they're using famous Australians as substitutes

The Aussie kid from the Simpson's episode: blimey!

A taipan: I bet if they DID know who the prime minister is they'd make a joke about me biting somebody

A brown snake: uh no. I'd be the one

A funnel-web spider: excuse me I'm a lot more scary

A blue ringed octopus: oh please, your venom is weak. WEAK.

Spider: HEY

A saltwater crocodile: I'm funny because I eat people.

Hugh Jackman: this is getting us nowhere. It's raining BLOOD. TENTACLES ARE GROWING EVERYWHERE. The only movie available is THE GREEN LANTERN. We need to make Australia interesting.

Baz Luhrmann: it's my time to shine

[Back in Buckingham Palace]

Charles: so all Father needs is you to be dead? And then he can bring about an age of darkness and blood?

Queen: why did you repeat what I just said

Charles: for the readers

Queen: hm

Charles: Mother I'm beginning to think you--

Queen: stop!

Charles: wha--

William: no, I hear it too. It's...screaming!

Charles: yes the statues have been screaming the Bible, but backwards, for like three hours now

William: no, not...not that screaming it sounds like...

Queen: Catherine

[Meanwhile, in the Canadian arctic, the skies have gone dark; the only light is a sickly, bruise-colored aurora, clawing apart the skin of the world. Voices are everywhere--speaking, singing, screaming. Idk, some crap with polar bears. In the middle of all of it--a solitary man]

[The man pulls back the hood of his thick Arctic-y coat. He glares up at the sky. Scowls.]

Justin Trudeau: thanks dad. real goddamn funny you jerk

Trudeau: You couldn't have just....hidden it somewhere easy. No. You could've put it anywhere except right goddamn here. My hair is a wreck, my maple syrup tank is like, a hair away from empty and I'm nowhere closer to it Dad. So fine. You got what you wanted.

[he hangs his head in bitter defeat. Even the massive lidless eye--yellowed at the corners, a spiderweb of blood vessels tracing their way to a matte black pupil--feels kinda sorry for him but also kinda embarrassed. Second-hand embarrassment. Like those Meet the Parents movies]

Trudeau, muttering: I'm here dad. I'm here. What more do you want?

[an unexpected sound--the distinct, deeply familiar scrape of steel on ice. Trudeau looks up]

Trudeau: no, it can't be...it's...impossible

[The Ghost of Wayne Gretzky stares at the Prime Minister]

The Ghost of Wayne Gretzky: Justin, I have come to--wait what? The "Ghost" of Wayne Gretzky? I'm.....I'm not dead.

Trudeau: maybe you...died recently?

Ghost: no. I'm very much alive. Why am--what's going on

Trudeau: idk but I bet my dad's behind it. Somehow

[Meanwhile the skies grow redder, heavier. All of Earth's nightmares are blooming, birthing. The harsh winds carry voices warning of coming horrors. All is chaos and fear, a kingdom of teeth and claws]

Clive Barker, looking up from his desk: eh. Kinda cliche. Not enough pigs.

David Cameron, hiding in a kitchen cabinet like that kid from A Christmas Story: wait did I hear someone say pig?

Please help me care for cats in need. It will help stop The Harrowing, I swear https://twitter.com/ellle_em/status/1378086422368882692?s=19

Ugh you know what I screwed myself because in Twitter years this thread is ancient and obsolete and if I add more I'll start looking pathetic and I regret not including my planned Vatican Section last night

[Meanwhile, at the Vatican: Pope Francis I listens gravely as his, idk, assistant pope? reports on the global disasters no occurring. Though he sits upon the Throne of St. Peter, & though his heart is filled with faith in the Divine, Francis can't help but despair]

Assistant pope: Holy Father the people are calling upon the Church to stand against this horror. What will we do?

Francis: [sighs] I was given this information--this secret--when I was chosen to lead the Church. I prayed I would never need it but--here we are. Come

[they leave]

[As they walk from wherever they were [look I have no idea how the Vatican works] the Assistant Pope stops dead]

Assistant pope: I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out what my actual title is & were muted

Francis....what