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[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]
I miscarried more than once, but there was only one that became common knowledge among my family because it was serious enough I had to go to the emergency room. https://twitter.com/nytopinion/status/1331520207630835712
I miscarried more than once, but there was only one that became common knowledge among my family because it was serious enough I had to go to the emergency room. https://twitter.com/nytopinion/status/1331520207630835712
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]
I remember the day before I had to go to the hospital my mother forced me to go to a local craft fair, where my sister-in-law was selling jewelry. It was humid and the thick, cloying air smelled of sweat and fried food and tar
I remember the day before I had to go to the hospital my mother forced me to go to a local craft fair, where my sister-in-law was selling jewelry. It was humid and the thick, cloying air smelled of sweat and fried food and tar
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]
As we walked, I felt the pregnancy ending. The bleeding had started early that morning and I knew what it meant. I told my mother I wanted to stay home but she bullied me into going and I remember shuffling through the wet-woolen air in a daze
As we walked, I felt the pregnancy ending. The bleeding had started early that morning and I knew what it meant. I told my mother I wanted to stay home but she bullied me into going and I remember shuffling through the wet-woolen air in a daze
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]
That damn craft fair. It was time turning to syrup, slow and thick and choking. When I finally got home I begged my husband to go out and buy some heavy-duty pads because of the bleeding. It hurt but I knew better than to say anything about it
That damn craft fair. It was time turning to syrup, slow and thick and choking. When I finally got home I begged my husband to go out and buy some heavy-duty pads because of the bleeding. It hurt but I knew better than to say anything about it
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]
The next morning I called my OB-GYN. He wasn't in. The receptionist was shrill, arch, her tone one of barely-concealed contempt. She asked why I wasn't at the emergency room already. I said I had no one to watch my 3-year-old child.
The next morning I called my OB-GYN. He wasn't in. The receptionist was shrill, arch, her tone one of barely-concealed contempt. She asked why I wasn't at the emergency room already. I said I had no one to watch my 3-year-old child.
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]
My mother and husband were at work. My brothers wouldn't answer the phone. My daughter was drawing at her little IKEA table, watching Peppa Pig. The pain was clawing up through my gut, fists gripping, twisting, tearing.
My mother and husband were at work. My brothers wouldn't answer the phone. My daughter was drawing at her little IKEA table, watching Peppa Pig. The pain was clawing up through my gut, fists gripping, twisting, tearing.
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]
Finally I called my husband at work. He hated when I did that. I told him what the receptionist said. He asked if it could wait until he got home. He didn't want to ask to leave early. I said it probably couldn't wait. He sighed
Finally I called my husband at work. He hated when I did that. I told him what the receptionist said. He asked if it could wait until he got home. He didn't want to ask to leave early. I said it probably couldn't wait. He sighed
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss, rape, sexual assault]
My grandmother finally said she could watch my daughter. We went to the hospital. Waited. Finally they got me in for an ultrasound. It was a transvaginal ultrasound. I'd never had one before & it pushed me into panic
My grandmother finally said she could watch my daughter. We went to the hospital. Waited. Finally they got me in for an ultrasound. It was a transvaginal ultrasound. I'd never had one before & it pushed me into panic
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss, rape, sexual assault]
I went into the small, poorly-lit bathroom and threw up. Dry-sobbed. I couldn't cry, not really. I hadn't realized I was clawing the sides of my face, nails digging into skin stained mushroom-pale in the mottled mirror
I went into the small, poorly-lit bathroom and threw up. Dry-sobbed. I couldn't cry, not really. I hadn't realized I was clawing the sides of my face, nails digging into skin stained mushroom-pale in the mottled mirror
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]
"Mrs. Maruska please, we have to get this done. Pull yourself together. It's just an ultrasound."
"Mrs. Maruska please, we have to get this done. Pull yourself together. It's just an ultrasound."
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]
The OB-GYN appeared after hours had passed. I was in a hospital bed. My husband was sitting next to me. I don't remember speaking. Or breathing. Even the pain was a distant static fuzz. I knew I was dissociating & I was glad of it
The OB-GYN appeared after hours had passed. I was in a hospital bed. My husband was sitting next to me. I don't remember speaking. Or breathing. Even the pain was a distant static fuzz. I knew I was dissociating & I was glad of it
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]
The OB-GYN said the pregnancy was ectopic. I needed emergency surgery or I could die. I called my mother and she told me to stop crying. Calm down. Deal with it. I wanted to speak to my daughter. She said that wasn't necessary.
The OB-GYN said the pregnancy was ectopic. I needed emergency surgery or I could die. I called my mother and she told me to stop crying. Calm down. Deal with it. I wanted to speak to my daughter. She said that wasn't necessary.
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]
I had to take out my contacts. I didn't have my glasses. I couldn't see. I wasn't there anymore, not really. I fell asleep and when I woke I was crying, crying, crying. Because I didn't know where I was, or what had happened. I kept apologizing
I had to take out my contacts. I didn't have my glasses. I couldn't see. I wasn't there anymore, not really. I fell asleep and when I woke I was crying, crying, crying. Because I didn't know where I was, or what had happened. I kept apologizing
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]
The pregnancy wasn't ectopic. When they went into my pelvis they found a tangled briar-patch of scar tissue, lesions, adhesions, cysts. The doctor told me I had endometriosis. I didn't know what that was. He left before I could ask questions.
The pregnancy wasn't ectopic. When they went into my pelvis they found a tangled briar-patch of scar tissue, lesions, adhesions, cysts. The doctor told me I had endometriosis. I didn't know what that was. He left before I could ask questions.
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]
I went home. Laid down. Everything hurt, everything. My husband said he couldn't take off work the next day. I couldn't stand up. I asked my brother to come over and let my dogs out. He refused again and again and again until finally he appeared
I went home. Laid down. Everything hurt, everything. My husband said he couldn't take off work the next day. I couldn't stand up. I asked my brother to come over and let my dogs out. He refused again and again and again until finally he appeared
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]
He let the dogs out then left.
I had to crawl out of bed, stumble to the door to let them back in. My mother told me I needed to get outside and take a walk. Immediately. I needed to toughen up. Deal with it
He let the dogs out then left.
I had to crawl out of bed, stumble to the door to let them back in. My mother told me I needed to get outside and take a walk. Immediately. I needed to toughen up. Deal with it
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]
No one spoke about the pregnancy. No one made it seem normal to mourn. Instead it was: get up. Toughen up. Stop crying. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Deal with it. It's not a big deal. It happens. Whatever. Toughen up toughen up toughen up
No one spoke about the pregnancy. No one made it seem normal to mourn. Instead it was: get up. Toughen up. Stop crying. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Deal with it. It's not a big deal. It happens. Whatever. Toughen up toughen up toughen up
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]
I'd secretly had names chosen for the baby. If it had become a baby. Alice Jane or Anthony Thomas.
This is the first time I've ever written those names out.
I'd secretly had names chosen for the baby. If it had become a baby. Alice Jane or Anthony Thomas.
This is the first time I've ever written those names out.
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]
No one mourns a possibility. No one mourns potential. No one mourns a dream.
That's what they told me. Not in words, of course, but in how little it mattered to them.
No one mourns.
Toughen up.
No one mourns a possibility. No one mourns potential. No one mourns a dream.
That's what they told me. Not in words, of course, but in how little it mattered to them.
No one mourns.
Toughen up.
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]
A few weeks later: a delivery. A large potted plant. I don't remember what type of plant. I think the flowers were yellow. My uncle and aunt--who I didn't speak to often--had sent it. With a sympathy card.
I came dangerously close to feeling
A few weeks later: a delivery. A large potted plant. I don't remember what type of plant. I think the flowers were yellow. My uncle and aunt--who I didn't speak to often--had sent it. With a sympathy card.
I came dangerously close to feeling
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]
So close to feeling. To mourning.
My aunt & uncle sending me flowers was the closest someone came to asking me if I was ok. To giving me permission to mourn. I'll be grateful forever for that.
So close to feeling. To mourning.
My aunt & uncle sending me flowers was the closest someone came to asking me if I was ok. To giving me permission to mourn. I'll be grateful forever for that.
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss, infertility]
I have not been able to have another child. My body won't allow it and the interventions available are to expensive, to inaccessible. Everyone says I have one child already, I should be grateful for that. I am. I am.
I have not been able to have another child. My body won't allow it and the interventions available are to expensive, to inaccessible. Everyone says I have one child already, I should be grateful for that. I am. I am.
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]
I know, if asked, my family would tell me they were doing what was best. If they'd let me mourn it would have been failing me. If they'd asked me if I was ok, it would've been allowing me to give in to sadness.
I had to be tough
I know, if asked, my family would tell me they were doing what was best. If they'd let me mourn it would have been failing me. If they'd asked me if I was ok, it would've been allowing me to give in to sadness.
I had to be tough
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]
That almost-baby, that dream, that possibility--would have been eight years old this year.
That almost-baby, that dream, that possibility--would have been eight years old this year.
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]
I was not ok.
I was not ok.
This took a lot to write. If you possibly can, please consider helping me help cats. It's my way of doing a small bit of good in the world: https://twitter.com/ellle_em/status/1309999500992405504?s=20
