[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]

I miscarried more than once, but there was only one that became common knowledge among my family because it was serious enough I had to go to the emergency room. https://twitter.com/nytopinion/status/1331520207630835712">https://twitter.com/nytopinio...
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]

I remember the day before I had to go to the hospital my mother forced me to go to a local craft fair, where my sister-in-law was selling jewelry. It was humid and the thick, cloying air smelled of sweat and fried food and tar
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]

As we walked, I felt the pregnancy ending. The bleeding had started early that morning and I knew what it meant. I told my mother I wanted to stay home but she bullied me into going and I remember shuffling through the wet-woolen air in a daze
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]

That damn craft fair. It was time turning to syrup, slow and thick and choking. When I finally got home I begged my husband to go out and buy some heavy-duty pads because of the bleeding. It hurt but I knew better than to say anything about it
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]

The next morning I called my OB-GYN. He wasn& #39;t in. The receptionist was shrill, arch, her tone one of barely-concealed contempt. She asked why I wasn& #39;t at the emergency room already. I said I had no one to watch my 3-year-old child.
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]

My mother and husband were at work. My brothers wouldn& #39;t answer the phone. My daughter was drawing at her little IKEA table, watching Peppa Pig. The pain was clawing up through my gut, fists gripping, twisting, tearing.
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]

Finally I called my husband at work. He hated when I did that. I told him what the receptionist said. He asked if it could wait until he got home. He didn& #39;t want to ask to leave early. I said it probably couldn& #39;t wait. He sighed
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss, rape, sexual assault]

My grandmother finally said she could watch my daughter. We went to the hospital. Waited. Finally they got me in for an ultrasound. It was a transvaginal ultrasound. I& #39;d never had one before & it pushed me into panic
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss, rape, sexual assault]

I went into the small, poorly-lit bathroom and threw up. Dry-sobbed. I couldn& #39;t cry, not really. I hadn& #39;t realized I was clawing the sides of my face, nails digging into skin stained mushroom-pale in the mottled mirror
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]

"Mrs. Maruska please, we have to get this done. Pull yourself together. It& #39;s just an ultrasound."
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]

The OB-GYN appeared after hours had passed. I was in a hospital bed. My husband was sitting next to me. I don& #39;t remember speaking. Or breathing. Even the pain was a distant static fuzz. I knew I was dissociating & I was glad of it
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]

The OB-GYN said the pregnancy was ectopic. I needed emergency surgery or I could die. I called my mother and she told me to stop crying. Calm down. Deal with it. I wanted to speak to my daughter. She said that wasn& #39;t necessary.
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]

I had to take out my contacts. I didn& #39;t have my glasses. I couldn& #39;t see. I wasn& #39;t there anymore, not really. I fell asleep and when I woke I was crying, crying, crying. Because I didn& #39;t know where I was, or what had happened. I kept apologizing
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]

The pregnancy wasn& #39;t ectopic. When they went into my pelvis they found a tangled briar-patch of scar tissue, lesions, adhesions, cysts. The doctor told me I had endometriosis. I didn& #39;t know what that was. He left before I could ask questions.
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]

I went home. Laid down. Everything hurt, everything. My husband said he couldn& #39;t take off work the next day. I couldn& #39;t stand up. I asked my brother to come over and let my dogs out. He refused again and again and again until finally he appeared
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]

He let the dogs out then left.

I had to crawl out of bed, stumble to the door to let them back in. My mother told me I needed to get outside and take a walk. Immediately. I needed to toughen up. Deal with it
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]

No one spoke about the pregnancy. No one made it seem normal to mourn. Instead it was: get up. Toughen up. Stop crying. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Deal with it. It& #39;s not a big deal. It happens. Whatever. Toughen up toughen up toughen up
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]

I& #39;d secretly had names chosen for the baby. If it had become a baby. Alice Jane or Anthony Thomas.

This is the first time I& #39;ve ever written those names out.
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]

No one mourns a possibility. No one mourns potential. No one mourns a dream.

That& #39;s what they told me. Not in words, of course, but in how little it mattered to them.

No one mourns.

Toughen up.
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]

A few weeks later: a delivery. A large potted plant. I don& #39;t remember what type of plant. I think the flowers were yellow. My uncle and aunt--who I didn& #39;t speak to often--had sent it. With a sympathy card.

I came dangerously close to feeling
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]

So close to feeling. To mourning.

My aunt & uncle sending me flowers was the closest someone came to asking me if I was ok. To giving me permission to mourn. I& #39;ll be grateful forever for that.
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss, infertility]

I have not been able to have another child. My body won& #39;t allow it and the interventions available are to expensive, to inaccessible. Everyone says I have one child already, I should be grateful for that. I am. I am.
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]

I know, if asked, my family would tell me they were doing what was best. If they& #39;d let me mourn it would have been failing me. If they& #39;d asked me if I was ok, it would& #39;ve been allowing me to give in to sadness.

I had to be tough
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]

That almost-baby, that dream, that possibility--would have been eight years old this year.
[TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss]

I was not ok.
This took a lot to write. If you possibly can, please consider helping me help cats. It& #39;s my way of doing a small bit of good in the world: https://twitter.com/ellle_em/status/1309999500992405504?s=20">https://twitter.com/ellle_em/...
You can follow @ellle_em.
Tip: mention @twtextapp on a Twitter thread with the keyword “unroll” to get a link to it.

Latest Threads Unrolled: