The secret blog of Dominic Cummings, aged 13¾

Nov 25th

I got up at 6 a.m. today to start my new paper round. I’m delivering on Tufton Street. The papers they read are the heavy, racist ones. Just my luck!

Nov 26th

Michael Gove has started a new gang at school called

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COBRA. He gets loads of dorks together in Mr Whitty’s chemistry lab at lunch and they pretend to be important. Matt Hancock took a mouthful of gas from the Bunsen-burner tap and lit it with a match to show off. I know because I was hid

underneath a desk watching. I had to wait for the paramedics to stretcher Matt out before I could leave so I was late for geography and Miss Truss gave me a detention.

Nov 27th

I took the wrong newspapers today. I don’t know why people were so angry. Why can’t they just accept

I’m a disruptor who shakes things up?

Nov 28th

Since our school left the local authority so that Mr Johnson could become headmaster, we now have less money to spend on teachers, equipment, security, meals, sports, and field trips. During assembly he warned us that there

were going to be traffic jams outside school every day too, but that by the power vested in him by Daniel Hannan the creepy school-governor, the bus drivers could pee on the flower beds and if necessary, crap behind the temporary RE class rooms. He said it would all be worth

it in the end because our new homework planners were going to be blue and there would be fish from the canal for lunch every day. Then John Redwood wet himself and we sang Land of Hope and Glory and Laurence Fox grassed on anyone who didn’t sing it loudly enough.

With many thanks to @Michelangela75 for locating this incredible image from inside a COBRA meeting!