Real question:

If you’re not supposed to eat the whole box of cookies then how many cookies ARE you supposed to eat?

Serious replies only.

We need to subpoena anyone who has been known to have only eaten one cookie.

Before you get married you need to ask your partner how many cookies they eat in one sitting. If they say one get the fuck out of there.

In my episode of “working it out” today with @ramy youssef I asked him if there’s anything I don’t talk about on stage that he’s noticed about me in real life and he said “I saw you order food once and I thought— this guy knows exactly what he’s doing.” https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/23-ramy-youssef-kicked-in-the-golden-globes/id1515419751?i=1000499865392

One time when my wife Jen was pregnant I said “have you seen my car keys?” and she said “Cookies? Who has the cookies? Do you have the cookies?” I didn’t have the cookies but I quickly found the car keys so I could drive to the cookies.

expensive chocolate bars < cheap cookies