Listen. I don’t why the fuck y’all need cnn to call this shit when it’s fucking obvious. We can call it. We pick a time. We call it. Say, 9pm EST. We announce the winner. You fancy fucks can open your champagne or whatever the fuck. And I can have a feed that’s not y’all whining.

Acting like a bunch of goddamn millennials who need an adult to come play outside with you. Just fucking go play outside.

They only fucking have this power because you gave it to them. And keep giving it to them. Fucking stop. 9pm. If they haven’t called it, we do. You’re welcome.

I called it yesterday and I’ve been celebrating ever since. It’s lovely. Try it. Philly clearly fucking called it last night. But you want to have a moment together. Have it. I know the teacher didn’t say you could leave early if she’s asleep at her desk. You’ll be fine.

THEY ARE DOING THIS TO YOU BECAUSE YOU LET THEM. THEY PUT HIM IN OFFICE. HE IS THE GREATEST THING TO HAPPEN TO CABLE NEWS SINCE OJ. THEY GOT FOUR YEARS OF YOUR LIVES AND YOU ARE GIVING THEM THIS

I don’t even know why you’d wait until 9. When does the west coast wake up? Let’s say 1pm Eastern. I’m gonna announce it’s been called. Everyone just go with it. Shut off the fucking news and go party. Goddamn “mom doesn’t let us walk to the bus stop alone” motherfuckers