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Scene: the Kardashian Kompound. Lightning flickers, thunder booms. It's Tristan Thompson with a strobe light & one of those special-effects thunder-making things. KRIS flashes him a thumbs up thru the window
Kris: ok kids this KOVID thing is really amping up
Kourtney: it's COVID
Kris: ok kids this KOVID thing is really amping up
Kourtney: it's COVID
Kris: um sweetie we've talked about this before. It's KOVID
Kourtney: mom, come on--
Kris: [klears throat]
Kourtney: mom--
Kris, whispering: do you want me to get Scott? Because I will get Scott
Kourtney: ugh FINE. Mom, kome on!
Kim: it's less painful if you just go with it
Kourtney: mom, come on--
Kris: [klears throat]
Kourtney: mom--
Kris, whispering: do you want me to get Scott? Because I will get Scott
Kourtney: ugh FINE. Mom, kome on!
Kim: it's less painful if you just go with it
Kourtney: you guys are all kunts
Kris: that's the spirit sweetie! Now, as I was saying. KOVID is a thing and you know we MUST be part of THINGS. How else will we kontinue to feast on the souls of the living if we're not tapped into the zeitgeist?
Kim: should I get robbed again?
Kris: that's the spirit sweetie! Now, as I was saying. KOVID is a thing and you know we MUST be part of THINGS. How else will we kontinue to feast on the souls of the living if we're not tapped into the zeitgeist?
Kim: should I get robbed again?
Khloe, rolling her eyes: you already participated Kim, you did the island thing
Kim: that became a meme
Kendall, hanging upside down from the khandelier like a massive bat: memessss...are ssssstilllll...delicioussssss
Kylie: I kan get robbed
Kris: NO ONE IS GETTING ROBBED
Kim: that became a meme
Kendall, hanging upside down from the khandelier like a massive bat: memessss...are ssssstilllll...delicioussssss
Kylie: I kan get robbed
Kris: NO ONE IS GETTING ROBBED
[a horrific thump-drag sounds from behind the walls. A face appears from the other side of a floor-length mirror, swathed and mottled in shadow. A disembodied voice floats through the ether]: did someone....say my name....
Kris: oh krap it's your brother. where are the fish heads
Kris: oh krap it's your brother. where are the fish heads
Kendall: I konssssumed themmm....sssso deliciousssss
Kris: goddamnit Khloe go tell Tristan to feed Rob something
Khloe: feed him what?
Kris: I don't kare, anything
Rob: so cold...so very cold
Kris: shut up Rob
[Khloe leaves]
Kris: anyway, one of you needs to get KOVID
Kris: goddamnit Khloe go tell Tristan to feed Rob something
Khloe: feed him what?
Kris: I don't kare, anything
Rob: so cold...so very cold
Kris: shut up Rob
[Khloe leaves]
Kris: anyway, one of you needs to get KOVID
Kim, Kourtney, Kylie, in unison: NOT IT
Kendall: I ammm...unable to...kontract diseasesssssss...I ammm...of immortalll flesssh...
Kris: well one of you has to get KOVID.
Kim: mom I have like 20 kids, I kan't
Kris: ok, valid. Kylie? How many kkids do you have again?
Kendall: I ammm...unable to...kontract diseasesssssss...I ammm...of immortalll flesssh...
Kris: well one of you has to get KOVID.
Kim: mom I have like 20 kids, I kan't
Kris: ok, valid. Kylie? How many kkids do you have again?
Kylie: kids already starts with k
Kris: nothing wrong with adding more ks
Kourtney: yeah mom add three, it'll be triple the fun [starts kovertly filming]
Kris, narrowing eyes: do you want to get KOVID because I swear I will jam a syringe of infected bodily fluids into your kornea
Kris: nothing wrong with adding more ks
Kourtney: yeah mom add three, it'll be triple the fun [starts kovertly filming]
Kris, narrowing eyes: do you want to get KOVID because I swear I will jam a syringe of infected bodily fluids into your kornea
Kourtney: fine ugh whatever
Kylie: I make too much money to get KOVID. I'm a self-made billionaire
[somewhere in the middle of the Kansas prairie a giant sinkhole opens; flames burst from its dark depths & a loud glottal laughter sounds]
Kris: sorry, had to khannel my derision
Kylie: I make too much money to get KOVID. I'm a self-made billionaire
[somewhere in the middle of the Kansas prairie a giant sinkhole opens; flames burst from its dark depths & a loud glottal laughter sounds]
Kris: sorry, had to khannel my derision
Kylie: wow mom thanks for the support
Kris: don't you mean kupport?
Kim: are we turning 's' into 'k' now too?
Kris: hell why not, kure.
Kendall: Kkkkkkkkhloeeee.....isssss returnnningggg
Kris: hm. How many kkids does Khloe have?
Kim: I think one
Kylie: that's not that many!
Kris: don't you mean kupport?
Kim: are we turning 's' into 'k' now too?
Kris: hell why not, kure.
Kendall: Kkkkkkkkhloeeee.....isssss returnnningggg
Kris: hm. How many kkids does Khloe have?
Kim: I think one
Kylie: that's not that many!
Kourtney: don't YOU only have one, Kylie?
[Kylie sneers & writes YOU WILL DIE IN YOUR SLEEP in lip liner on the mirror. Points to Kourtney.]
Khloe [entering]: ok Tristan fed Rob
Kim: what did he give him?
Khloe: An arm? You don't need arms for basketball right?
Kris: Khloe dear
[Kylie sneers & writes YOU WILL DIE IN YOUR SLEEP in lip liner on the mirror. Points to Kourtney.]
Khloe [entering]: ok Tristan fed Rob
Kim: what did he give him?
Khloe: An arm? You don't need arms for basketball right?
Kris: Khloe dear
Khloe: what
Kris: we've been having a konversation here about how to kapitalize on KOVID.
Khloe: oh are you gonna inject Kourtney with the virus?
Kris: well...sort of
Khloe: huh
Kris: except instead of Kourtney it's going to be you
Khloe: hey wait what??
Kris: we've been having a konversation here about how to kapitalize on KOVID.
Khloe: oh are you gonna inject Kourtney with the virus?
Kris: well...sort of
Khloe: huh
Kris: except instead of Kourtney it's going to be you
Khloe: hey wait what??
Kim: you have the fewest kkids
Khloe: Kylie & I have the same amount of kkids!
Kylie: I'M A SELF-MADE BILLIONAIRE!!
[in the wastes of Antarctica, a shelf of ice collapses with a massive roar, exposing the frozen body of a tentacled eldritch horror. one of its eyes begins to open]
Khloe: Kylie & I have the same amount of kkids!
Kylie: I'M A SELF-MADE BILLIONAIRE!!
[in the wastes of Antarctica, a shelf of ice collapses with a massive roar, exposing the frozen body of a tentacled eldritch horror. one of its eyes begins to open]
Kendall, her eyes glowing red: it isssss....the komingggg....of the old onesssss...
Kris: look one of us needs to get KOVID and we had a vote while you were gone. fair is fair Khloe
Khloe: uh how is it fair if I didn't get to vote???
Kris: we live in Amerika sweetie
Khloe:...true
Kris: look one of us needs to get KOVID and we had a vote while you were gone. fair is fair Khloe
Khloe: uh how is it fair if I didn't get to vote???
Kris: we live in Amerika sweetie
Khloe:...true
Khloe: ok fine but YOU OWE ME
Kris: well what do you want?
Khloe, konsidering: LeBron James
Kendall: nnnooo...imposssible....he belongsssssss...to a higherrrr powerrrr....
Khloe: ugh fine. Uh, Kyrie Irving then
Kim: we wouldn't have to change his first name
Kris: true!
Kris: well what do you want?
Khloe, konsidering: LeBron James
Kendall: nnnooo...imposssible....he belongsssssss...to a higherrrr powerrrr....
Khloe: ugh fine. Uh, Kyrie Irving then
Kim: we wouldn't have to change his first name
Kris: true!
Kourtney: haven't you ever konsidered that you're all just using the bodies of Black men in order to access the social and entertainment kapital of Blackness without engaging in the systemic racism and anti-Black violence that both consumes Black people while elevating their art?
Kris: KOURTNEY
Kourtney: sorry, konsumes Black people
Kris: Better. I don't kare
Kim: Kanye's art has only improved since we've been married
[flash to Kanye, alone in Kim's massive empty mansion, sitting in a pile of grey beanbags sculpting Donald Trump's head out of ground beef]
Kourtney: sorry, konsumes Black people
Kris: Better. I don't kare
Kim: Kanye's art has only improved since we've been married
[flash to Kanye, alone in Kim's massive empty mansion, sitting in a pile of grey beanbags sculpting Donald Trump's head out of ground beef]
Kris: we're losing focus here. Kourtney, if you insist on analyzing systems of oppression within my hearing I'm going to make Kendall seed your skull with countless motes of impossible darkness
Kendall: my babiessssss...musssttt feeeed
Kourtney: UGH FINE
Kris: Now Khloe
Kendall: my babiessssss...musssttt feeeed
Kourtney: UGH FINE
Kris: Now Khloe
Khloe: fine let's get this over with
Kris: that's my kirl!
Kim: mom that doesn't even make---you know what never mind
Kris: SCOTT! THE NEEDLE!
[Scott Disick materializes from thin air. He walks in front of the mirror--note he casts no reflection]
Khloe: the things I do for love
Kris: that's my kirl!
Kim: mom that doesn't even make---you know what never mind
Kris: SCOTT! THE NEEDLE!
[Scott Disick materializes from thin air. He walks in front of the mirror--note he casts no reflection]
Khloe: the things I do for love
Kris: it is done
[more lightning, thunder. Tristan Thompson sits outside the mansion, cradling his gnawed-off arm stump, sobbing] https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/28/entertainment/khloe-kardashian-coronavirus/index.html
[more lightning, thunder. Tristan Thompson sits outside the mansion, cradling his gnawed-off arm stump, sobbing] https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/28/entertainment/khloe-kardashian-coronavirus/index.html
None of you kan possibly hate me more than I already hate myself for doing this
If you pay me I'll stop https://twitter.com/ellle_em/status/1309999500992405504?s=20
