Happy Scorpio SZN! You'll know it's Scorpio Season because every Scorpio you've ever met will be chanting it from the rooftops and in our underground dungeons in between our favorite everyday chants like "beasts beasts beasts" and "No seriously it starts the 22nd not the 23rd."

People say Scorpios talk about being Scorpios a lot, and you would too if your pseudoscience mythology told you you were loyal, definitely capable of extrasensory perception, and 100% better at fucking than everybody else.

Some fun facts you might not know about Scorpios: we are excellent communicators, we love secrets, and did any of us ever mention we are definitely better at sex than everyone else who has sex? Don't know if we ever said that to you loudly at a dinner party without being asked.

Another fun thing about Scorpios is that we love knowing all your secrets and we won't tell anybody, we just get joy and actual energy from knowing the things you're afraid to tell other people. It's weird but that's our life! Also all of this is made up!!!! But we believe it!!!

More useful information about Scorpios:
1. We have an exoskeleton and a stinger but are full of fear
2. I don't actually know if we have an exoskeleton
3. None of this is real
4. It's still fun!
5. We are sexier than everyone who has ever touched you and we are not sorry.

Common Scorpio season activities:
1. Telling you we are psychic
2. Doing murders to vicious people who definitely do not deserve to be currently alive
3. Telling you we are sexy
4. Taking moody selfies while wearing Chanel Vamp lipstick and nail polish we've saved since '94

You can tell a Scorpio by the way we excuse our inability to let go of old resentments by saying, "I'm a Scorpio, I hold grudges!" and lighting a black candle we got at the local troubled white woman-owned spiritual emporium instead of doing the psychological work of recovery!!!

A good way to figure out if your friend is a Scorpio is to ask yourself, "Does my friend constantly talk about being a Scorpio?" If the answer is yes, she is either a Scorpio or someone who is jealous of Scorpios and is thus an imposter we will detect and cast out!!!!!

You would think Scorpios would not get along with Leos, but this is untrue. They are fun because they shine in the spotlight while we do secret terrible things in the darkness offstage, Leos are very useful to Scorpios!!!

Virgos are useful to Scorpios because they can organize our demon objects and ritual tools and our calendar of emotional stabbings, thank you Virgos!

Libras are useful to Scorpios because they are extremely boring and lull the world into a yearly sense of peace and harmony through their passive-aggressive refusal to deal with the darkness, making way for us to COME THROUGH WITH DEMON FIRE EVERY YEAR HOW FUN. Thank you Libras!!

Pause for somebody to get mad at this thread and quote-tweet it or respond with "This shows absolutely no understanding of astrology" which, I will remind you, is entirely invented and made-up, yet still fun. I am already thrilled about this person's rage.

Scorpios and Sagita;ldksjf;lakjd however you spell it people can have fun because somebody needs to clean up the trail of blood from our birthday parties, thank you Sag!!!!

Scorpios and Capricorns can have fun together because hahah no they can't, imagine a Capricorn having fun. ANYWAY, goats are cool! Love that! Thank you Capricorn!

Scorpio and Pisces make a great pair because Scorpio rules the sex organs, Pisces rules the feet, and somebody has to keep Wikifeet going! Congrats to every Wikifeet member, you are all Scorpios and Pisceans and why isn't my rating higher?!

Scorpio and Aquarius: why not? I always though Aquarius people were hippies but apparently they're flighty and weird? Or really good-looking? I am literally making this shit up, astrology is entertaining lies, anyway thank you Aquarius!!!

I forget what order the Zodiac goes in. Cancer! Like Scorpio, you have a shell and are a water sign even though crabs make sense with water and scorpions do not! You pinch 'em, we'll sting 'em! Let's have all of the feelings together and then some more! Thank you Cancer!

Uhhh what are the other signs? I'm falling asleep, because I'm a Scorpio and only care about Scorpio things. Okay I'm bored, the rest of the signs are probably fine, or not! Scorpios are extremely sensual, allegedly! Anyway buy us $10000 worth of haunted candles! You're welcome!

Okay people are telling me about the other signs, which I forgot. Gemini. I like you. Personally, I have a lot of Gemini friends. Why? I don't know. But you're cool by me, Gemini. Your parents fucked at that time of year and then you were born at that other time of year!

I think Scorpio might be the only Zodiac sign that is correct and actually exists and, like, matters? Hmm. Going to meditate on this further (JK I know it's true so no need to contemplate!)

Taurus! Taurus is opposite Scorpio on the Zodiac wheel and actually we are rather complementary. Scorpios love Taurus people because they provide a comfortable and cozy home to which we can return for a day spa-like experience after doing all the murders. Thank you Taurus!

A thing that is "true" about me is that I have sun in Scorpio, moon in Taurus, and Virgo rising. Somebody analyze this and get back to me with all the info I'll ever need about myself!!! (I get this done like thrice a year and love it every time, I'm very silly!)

I forgot Aries! (So did everybody else, LOLOLOL we like to have fun here). You are...a sign. That is not Scorpio. You probably like to fight people! Scorpio likes to strategize in the Tech Van or in the Cave of Summoning. Aries, you're a job creator for Scorpio! Thank you Aries!

All Scorpios are queer. That's true.

Every Scorpio is LGBTQIA+. It's in books and true. The pre-Trump CDC confirmed it many times but now they won't say it because they've been compromised.

I'm single, and you may be asking yourself, "Is it because she has to devote herself to doing the summonings?!" and the answer is definitely yes, that's why. Or I just haven't met the right [sign that works with Scorpio] yet. OR I am married to my work (demon spells etc.)!

Anyway, congrats to everybody whose parents had sex at a particular time of year and then as a result these people (you) were born at another time of year, except those of you who gestated for twelve full months! You are the real heroes.

A really [fill in your Zodiac sign] move is to be really generous and loving and compassionate in an effort to help your wider community. Please give to @RAICESTEXAS if you can! If you DM me your receipt by my bday 10/25 at http://Instagram.com/SaraJBenincasa , I will thank you a bunch!

In the spirit of Scorpio season, a season of loyalty to one's friends (true story, get outta here with the Scorpio slander!) please give to @bailproject. Or just do it because it's a great organization working hard to end the prejudiced system of cash bail. Or cuz I said so.

HAHAH WAS THIS THREAD JUST AN ELABORATE CON TO GET YOU TO GIVE TO MY FAVORITE NONPROFITS?! Please give to @RAICESTEXAS @bailproject or The Loveland Foundation by 10/25 (AGAIN I MUST EMPHASIZE IT IS MY 40th BDAY) and DM your receipt to http://Instagram.com/SaraJBenincasa  so I can thank you!

P.S. In case you, a person reading a coffee-fueled thread of a stranger, were curious: I believe that astrology, tarot, and other systems are a.) true to the degree to which you assign them truth b.) fun c.) useful (for MEEEE) as a creative tool. To elaborate further...

...if I give you a series of traits in a list and, "All people of the Schmubu are this" and then another list of traits & attribute them to all persons of the Blarbo - and you pick out a few traits and say "I AM SO BLARBO" we've just learned something about how you see yourself.

Tarot, astrology, and any form of divination can be helpful if they help you figure more out about how you see yourself and how you view the world. But you need to go to actual doctors, rely on actual evidence-based reporting, and vote for the Democrat. That's just science.

Also, vaccinate your kids and wearing a fucking mask. And remember that most of your crystals were mined in a truly fucked up and unethical way. GOD WHAT A SCORPIO THING TO SAY AM I RIGHT?! Have a good one!

P.P.S. I actually am friends with a lot of people whose birthdays fall under Leo, Gemini and Cancer. I don't know why this is except that one of you will definitely tell me.

I'm getting a tarot reading today AND a flu vaccine because I ENCOMPASS WORLDS.

K I had more coffee. If I had to pick one useful "woo woo" thing I would pick tarot (and I do, often!) because you can enjoy it as a kind of emotional/creative Rorshach test, especially if you meet a fantastic reader who uses it as a jumping-off point to help you figure shit out.

A lot of people think tarot has to be about "telling the future." That is impossible. But tarot can be seen as a series of archetypes with assigned meaning, and then a conversation can be had about how you relate to said meanings. Or it's all controlled by fairies, you pick!

Okay anyway Scorpios are the hottest people so buy us lots of presents and give to our favorite charities like, for example, @RAICESTEXAS. HAVE A GREAT SZN!!!!!!