Goveller’s Travels

Thursday 22nd October

The enormous Tories of Brobdingnag, hearing my wistful tails of British profligacy, took all occasions to divert me with descriptions of their own, such as spaffing billions on spreadsheets, satellites, apps, saps, donors, boners

and Robert Jenrick’s carport. But they were now in a state of great consternation, because the basest do-gooders of that realm were agitating to fill the tummies of the nation’s cubs. Led by a young man called Marcus Rashford, better articulated than a 1000 HGV Kent tailback,

it took human event-horizon Ben Bradley to stand up to him and point out that poor children’s unhealthy dependence on food was a scourge which needed eradicating, like pensioners, or GDP. His predilection for invoking the plight of the white working class did not extend to the

trendy notion of feeding them, which is why he, and so many of the Serco-fetishists like him, were fervent cheer leaders for Broxit, the fastest route to food shortages save giving Lee Anderson the Trident codes. Whilst counting up the £500 million eat-out-to-help-out receipts

that fed Wetherspoons punters over the summer, an animated King Boris entered. During his monthly bath, the hard rain Dom Cummings washed him in had reacted with his lice soap, and an apparition of Chris Clarkson MP had emerged in the resultant scum and this turd apparition

had spoken that “Boris shall never vanquished be until Andy Birnam Wood to High Dunsinane Hill shall come against him”. Which Sir Spaffalot was thrilled about because it could never happen and so to celebrate, he cut off funds to Manchester with immediate effect and ordered in a

shitload of KFC Bargain Buckets. But our celebrations were curtailed when Deliveroo driver Grant Shapps mentioned that having been at felling all the best trees in England for HS2 all week, Serco had indeed just carted off Andy Birnam Wood to Dunsinane.

With many thanks to @MrJunkerBarlow for locating this oil paining. And many apologies to @ChrisClarksonMP, for not being able to tag him in the single most important contribution he has ever made to British politics.