“Hey after this do you want to go watch Avatar 1 with motion smoothing on my 96 inch TV and never fuck again”

“Mmm you smell like a Denny’s”

“I’m so hard right now it feels like there’s a Mike and Ike down there”

“If you want to fuck my son from my first marriage you can I saw it online and I won’t be mad”

“Isn’t it crazy that we’ll be using these on each other in two years”

“Look at us. We’re like the Bonnie and Clyde of people whose cupboards are full of individually wrapped Lance crackers taken from restaurants.”

“This reminds me — I need a new Punisher sticker for the Land Rover.”

“We should call the guy and get our WiFi password changed from the name of our dead cat to the name of our new cat.”

“I’m thinking of getting a second subscription to White Wine Magazine so we can read it on separate toilets.”