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The thing I regret most about #TheWeekInTory is the actual events.
But just behind that is the fact I called it #TheWeekInTory, when in reality I am having to do one every 2 days.
Anyway, grab a pint of Laudanum, hide any sharp objects, and dive in…
But just behind that is the fact I called it #TheWeekInTory, when in reality I am having to do one every 2 days.
Anyway, grab a pint of Laudanum, hide any sharp objects, and dive in…
1. A few days ago Boris Johnson excitingly announced 40 new hospitals he’d excitingly announced only last year; and then he arbitrarily upped it to 48 hospitals, cos whatever
2. To show how serious he is, he allocated a budget that will pay for slightly fewer than 2 hospitals
2. To show how serious he is, he allocated a budget that will pay for slightly fewer than 2 hospitals
3. I don’t want to put doubt in your mind, but he’s promised us a garden bridge, and airport on a floating island in the Thames, and a bridge to Ireland...
4. Anyway, he then promised to turn Britain into “a new Jerusalem”, one of the most violent and divided places on earth
4. Anyway, he then promised to turn Britain into “a new Jerusalem”, one of the most violent and divided places on earth
5. Pledging to unify the nation, he decried lawyers as “lefty do-gooders”, hot on the cloven-heels of Priti Patel
6. The ex-president of the Supreme Court said by “undermining the rule of law” the govt “is going down a very slippery slope” towards “dictatorship and tyranny”
6. The ex-president of the Supreme Court said by “undermining the rule of law” the govt “is going down a very slippery slope” towards “dictatorship and tyranny”
7. Boris Johnson then listed all the great things he was going to do in the coming [unspecified period of time], but mystifyingly forgot to mention “Operation Moonshot”, which was the £100bn centrepiece of his Covid strategy only [specified period of time] 25 days ago
8. Un-phased that his Grand Plans last less than a month, he promised wind-turbines would power all UK homes within 10 years
9. He’s only slightly out: a report the next day found at the current rate, the govt will not meet its low-carbon targets for [checks calendar] 700 years
9. He’s only slightly out: a report the next day found at the current rate, the govt will not meet its low-carbon targets for [checks calendar] 700 years
10. And now onto led-by-the-science news: back in May, only 47 days after South Korea introduced mandatory quarantine and free tests with a 24-hour results, the govt introduced quarantine after arriving UK airports
11. But we made it voluntary
12. And then we paused it
11. But we made it voluntary
12. And then we paused it
13. And then we re-introduced it, but made it shorter
14. And then we added fines
15. But we didn’t tell anybody to police the system
16. And then we said it was all under review
17. And now we’re talking about maybe announcing something new in November
14. And then we added fines
15. But we didn’t tell anybody to police the system
16. And then we said it was all under review
17. And now we’re talking about maybe announcing something new in November
18. But in the meantime, a man operating under the name "Grant Shapps" floated the idea that passengers should have to pay for their own tests, cos nothing says Serious About Public Health like an 8-month delay before shrugging and saying “oh, do it yourself”
19. But first (cos he wouldn’t want to rush things) a mere 253 days after the first UK case, and after a barely-worth-mentioning 60,000 deaths, the govt is considering maybe setting up a task-force to think about quarantine and testing at airports
20. In charge of this Quest for The Truth is Matt Hancock, a forlorn Weeble who this week refused three times to tell parliament whether Serco are still being paid for all the tests they lost, which means they definitely are
21. Hancock bought 1m antibody tests which dept for evaluating tests has said “cannot be trusted”
22. He's has already blown £30 million on antibody tests that were “not fit for purpose”. He learns from his mistakes, and that’s why he’s now making much more impressive mistakes
22. He's has already blown £30 million on antibody tests that were “not fit for purpose”. He learns from his mistakes, and that’s why he’s now making much more impressive mistakes
23. Rishi Sunak said the jobs of all actors were “not viable” and they should find a new career, using the govt’s shiny new careers website
24. Almost every person who uses that site is advised to become an actor. It’s the first recommendation in almost every case. No, really.
24. Almost every person who uses that site is advised to become an actor. It’s the first recommendation in almost every case. No, really.
25. The UK arts sector generates over £23 billion a year and employs 370,000 people
26. The UK fishing sector generates under 1.4 billion a year and employees 24,000 people (7% as big)
27. Guess which one Rishi Sunak, the man in charge of the budget, says is viable
26. The UK fishing sector generates under 1.4 billion a year and employees 24,000 people (7% as big)
27. Guess which one Rishi Sunak, the man in charge of the budget, says is viable
28. But some sound decisions are still being made: a company run by associate of a Tory peer got a £122m contract to provide PPE only 7 weeks after the business was founded, with no competitive tendering and, thus far, no PPE delivered. So that’s OK then
29. 250,000 businesses NOT closely aligned with leading Tories can't access the loans the govt promised
30. But because the govt didn't track the loans it did give out, it's unlikely we’ll be able to get repaid for a few of them. Well, I say a few. £26 billion. Pennies, really.
30. But because the govt didn't track the loans it did give out, it's unlikely we’ll be able to get repaid for a few of them. Well, I say a few. £26 billion. Pennies, really.
31. A cabinet minister said “local lockdowns have no effect. I don’t know why we’re doing them”
32. Another cabinet minster said “there’s no science behind the 10pm pub curfew, it’s back of a fag packet stuff”
33. So the govt said they would introduce more local curfews on pubs
32. Another cabinet minster said “there’s no science behind the 10pm pub curfew, it’s back of a fag packet stuff”
33. So the govt said they would introduce more local curfews on pubs
34. But obviously, they told the newspapers about this, but didn’t inform the actual councils responsible for delivering it. Cos why would you?
35. Oh, and obviously, poor areas of the country were found to be four times more likely to be locked down than rich areas.
35. Oh, and obviously, poor areas of the country were found to be four times more likely to be locked down than rich areas.
36. Fraser Nelson, editor of Tory cheerleader The Spectator, said: “Around the world, no govt has been judged to do a worse job by its people, and no country has created as much debt: no matter how you look at it, we’re pretty much the worst in the developed world”
37. And the head of the UK Covid Task Force said that even if we develop a vaccine and somehow manage to order it correctly and get it delivered to the right address, vaccinating all of the UK “is not going to happen”, which is funny way to issue a few thousand death warrants.
38. Anyway, we’ve giggled enough at the dead, let’s move on to the homeless: official analysis of govt housebuilding plans shows it would cut affordable housing by 47%
39. Robert “Elwood” Jenrick defended this policy on the remarkable grounds that he was “on a moral mission”
39. Robert “Elwood” Jenrick defended this policy on the remarkable grounds that he was “on a moral mission”
40. And so, onto Brexit, and Tory MP Tom Tugendhat, who voted to build border checkpoints in Kent, and voted to build a 27-acre lorry park in Kent, and voted to build infrastructure to cope with 70-mile traffic jams in Kent, called on the govt to stop all this building in Kent
41. Feral pipe-cleaner Michael Gove said "things are still looking very positive" and that he thinks the UK now has a 66% chance of what he once called “the easiest deal in history”
42. However, the lead EU negotiator said “it is difficult to feel optimistic about a deal"
42. However, the lead EU negotiator said “it is difficult to feel optimistic about a deal"
43. Boris Johnson, who has spent the last 4 years telling us the Human Rights Act is a terrible thing that Brexit will finally free us from, has been forced to promise the EU that he won’t rip up the Human Rights Act, cos we really desperately need a deal
44. Sadly, he also promised he’d stick to the Withdrawal Agreement, and didn’t. So the EU said the UK deciding to break international law “calls into question trust in future promises and negotiations”, which absolutely nobody saw coming, except for everybody.
45. With only 7 days to go until the deadline for a deal – no, really, 15th Oct is the deadline – the UK chief negotiator, who wants to amend state-aid rules, admitted “no extensive text on state aid rules will be admitted” by the UK
47. So we want the EU to scrap its rules, and replace them with a set of vague, airy concepts that we can’t even put into words, 4 years after we voted to do this idiocy, and a mere 27 years after the campaign to leave the EU began
48. But there finally some great news about Brexit: Daniel Kawczynski, top Tory bullshit-hoover, and graduate of the Shaggy school of denialism, proudly announced he’s been appointed Trade Envoy to Mongolia. So we’re saved!
