For anyone wondering what waking up is like with chronic illness and a dysfunctional nervous system: a thread.

#neisvoid

8:30am: smart light turns on, bedside fans turn off. First alarm presumably goes off. I don’t remember turning it off.

(PSA: automation/smart lights/plugs are one of the best disability aids I’ve found/used and are finally becoming more affordable.)

8:40am: Smart light gets 25% brighter and bluer, presumably. Another alarm goes off. I still do not remember waking up to turn it off.

8:50am: Smart light #2 turns on. Both lights change to be 50% bright, and neutral white. Another alarm goes off. I *still* do not have any recollection of this time. Partner later tells me the cats have both jumped on the bed and were chasing each other around the room. Loudly.

9:00am: Lights change to 75% brightness and blueness. Another alarm goes off. I finally achieve the ability to start forming memories of briefly waking up and hitting the off button. I fall back asleep.

9:10am: Alarm goes off. Presumably I turn it off and immediately fall back asleep.

9:20am: Lights change to 100% brightness and blueness. Alarm goes off. I turn it off. I groan. My body hurts. I groan again. I fall asleep again.

9:30am: Alarm goes off. I slap my phone to stop it and accidentally knock something off my nightstand. A tiny bit of adrenaline bursts deep inside me, but I barely notice. My partner checks on me. I groan at him from beneath a pile of blankets. Everything still hurts. I hate.

9:40am: Alarm sounds. I convince myself to expend the energy to pick up my phone to check the time while hitting snooze. I’m surprised by the time, as I am every morning. I never know when I will actually achieve enough baseline consciousness to consider myself “awake.” I groan.

9:50am: Alarm. Snooze. I am aware. I am awake. I hurt everywhere, especially my knees. I am mad. I am sad. I desperately want to sleep, more than I’ve ever wanted anything. I feel SO guilty for being like this. I should just try harder. Set more alarms. I groan. I whine.

10:00am: Alarm. Snooze. I hurt. I rage. I want. I guilt. I whine. I remember! I finally remember that I have meds that will help me wake up! I just need to reach over for my pill organizer and ........ oh. I forgot to put my new pills in.

10:05am: Alarm. Snooze. I remember I'm supposed to be working. At my job. I despair.

I am late.

Again.

I am overcome with guilt and anger at myself for allowing this to happen again. Just as it does every morning. Why can't I be better than this?

10:07am: My partner pokes his head in. He says something. I joke back but burrow further down into the covers. Guilt. Sleepy. Shame. Anger. I am a Piece Of Shit. I can't believe he puts up with me. I don't deserve love.

He leaves. More guilt. More shame. More anger. More sleepy.

10:08am: He is back! AND HE BROUGHT ME COFFEE! It's only half a cup, the last half cup, but he put cream and sugar and a tiny spoon in it, just the way I like it. I feel SO MUCH LOVE. AND SO MUCH GUILT. I am a Piece Of Shit. I can't even wake up and get out of bed in the morning.

10:10am: To drink the coffee, I must sit up. While sitting up, I remember the meds that I need to take. I reach into the Decorative Box On The Nightstand That Is Full Of Prescription Medications. It takes me a few minutes to sort through them to find the three meds I need.

10:13am: I lay back on my pillow and take a moment. Sitting up was difficult and now I am dizzy, in addition to sleepy, angry, guilty, and in pain.

I take my morning pills with the rest of my coffee. I lay back and wait to feel alive again.

10:15am: Alarm. Snooze.

I remember that I have naproxen to help with the pain! I take one of those pills, too.

I put my watch on, and lay back again. I am once again dizzy from sitting up.