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BREAKING: Park founder and CEO Murph Gantly has tested positive for COVID-22, a premium strain available only to qualified applicants.
Murph is doing well except for what he calls "eye-wateringly powerful anal itch." He is being given anaxometrivotrisamorphosine, used to treat acid reflux in monkeys. He is resting uncomfortably.
Please note that anaxometrivotrisamorphosine is indeed made by Sprelger Chemicals, a longtime sponsor of the park. Murph says it "tastes great."
Murph has checked into Park Lower Level First Aid, which is staffed by the finest retired and/or fired nurses in the county. The team is led by Popcorn the Therapy Dog.
Murph's first, third, and fifth wives have been placed in quarantine. Murph's children have been deemed safe since he hasn't seen them in 12 years. Senior Manager of Operations Kurt Blasko has also been placed in quarantine because the other executives can't stand him.
We are attempting to reconstruct the timeline:
Wednesday
Murph feels "a little COVID-y"
As scheduled, Murph does a lap in the Typhoon Harbor Wave Pool
Murph helps bake cookies for 2,000 schoolchildren
Wednesday
Murph feels "a little COVID-y"As scheduled, Murph does a lap in the Typhoon Harbor Wave PoolMurph helps bake cookies for 2,000 schoolchildren
Thursday
Murph experiences shortness of smell, stiff eyes, and sweaty hair
Murph addresses the Immune-Compromised Firefighters Association
With his before-bed scotch, Murph takes 17 Benadryl
Murph experiences shortness of smell, stiff eyes, and sweaty hairMurph addresses the Immune-Compromised Firefighters AssociationWith his before-bed scotch, Murph takes 17 Benadryl
Friday
Murph hugs Pope Francis for 38 seconds
Murph sneezes on Sarah Michelle Gellar
Murph experiences dizziness when trying to follow "The Witcher" but is told the storytelling is confusing and poorly written
Murph hugs Pope Francis for 38 secondsMurph sneezes on Sarah Michelle GellarMurph experiences dizziness when trying to follow "The Witcher" but is told the storytelling is confusing and poorly written
Saturday
Murph experiences loss of sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch; aides are afraid to say anything
Murph meets Greta Thunberg, can only say "ugga mugga wugga flom"
Murph sees Dr. Fright, a park Halloween character with no medical expertise; he recommends licorice
Murph experiences loss of sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch; aides are afraid to say anythingMurph meets Greta Thunberg, can only say "ugga mugga wugga flom"Murph sees Dr. Fright, a park Halloween character with no medical expertise; he recommends licorice
Sunday
Murph collapses while watching highlights of the 2006 Rose Bowl; not due to illness but because Vince Young's knee was clearly down
Murph is "calmly and leisurely rushed" to First Aid and declared dead; later upgraded to "meh"
Murph collapses while watching highlights of the 2006 Rose Bowl; not due to illness but because Vince Young's knee was clearly downMurph is "calmly and leisurely rushed" to First Aid and declared dead; later upgraded to "meh"
OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM PARK MEDICAL STAFF:
"Murph Gantly currently suffers unknown symptoms due to an unknown malady from an unknown source. It is unknown how long he had this condition and unknown how long he will have it. All of Murph's public appearances now cost double."
"Murph Gantly currently suffers unknown symptoms due to an unknown malady from an unknown source. It is unknown how long he had this condition and unknown how long he will have it. All of Murph's public appearances now cost double."
In lieu of thoughts and prayers, please send donations to:
Murph Gantly Recovery Fund
100 Park Plaza
Ash County, 92813
Minimum gift: $65
Non-tax-deductible
In fact, taxed at 80%
Murph Gantly Recovery Fund
100 Park Plaza
Ash County, 92813
Minimum gift: $65
Non-tax-deductible
In fact, taxed at 80%
