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JED BARTLETT: *peering at news* Abby, did you see this?
ABBY: don't get your blood pressure up. it's not your concern anymore.
JED: well, of course it is. can't a man be interested in current events?
ABBY: just tell me you won't call--
JED: get Toby on the phone, will you?
ABBY: don't get your blood pressure up. it's not your concern anymore.
JED: well, of course it is. can't a man be interested in current events?
ABBY: just tell me you won't call--
JED: get Toby on the phone, will you?
TOBY: yes, sir, I've heard.
JED: do you think he's faking it?
TOBY: no, sir, I don't. I don't think his ego would allow it.
JED: should I make a statement?
TOBY: what kind of statement, sir?
JED: I don't know. "I told you so?"
TOBY: no, I don't think you should say that.
JED: do you think he's faking it?
TOBY: no, sir, I don't. I don't think his ego would allow it.
JED: should I make a statement?
TOBY: what kind of statement, sir?
JED: I don't know. "I told you so?"
TOBY: no, I don't think you should say that.
JED: have you talked to C.J.?
TOBY: I called, but she was dancing barefoot on the lawn under the full moon. she hung up on me.
JED: *snort* WOMEN.
ABBY: *clears throat*
JED: what I meant to say was, have you spoken to Sam?
TOBY: on the other line, sir. I'll merge the calls.
TOBY: I called, but she was dancing barefoot on the lawn under the full moon. she hung up on me.
JED: *snort* WOMEN.
ABBY: *clears throat*
JED: what I meant to say was, have you spoken to Sam?
TOBY: on the other line, sir. I'll merge the calls.
SAM: good evening, sir. how are you feeling?
JED: I'm married to a doctor. I'm feeling nostalgic for the outdoors.
TOBY: the president thinks he should make a statement.
SAM: don't say "I told you so."
JED: I wasn't going to.
TOBY: *cough*
JED: I might have considered it.
JED: I'm married to a doctor. I'm feeling nostalgic for the outdoors.
TOBY: the president thinks he should make a statement.
SAM: don't say "I told you so."
JED: I wasn't going to.
TOBY: *cough*
JED: I might have considered it.
TOBY: sir, CJ's calling. should I merge her in?
JED: yes, for god's sake.
CJ: (out of breath) good evening, sir.
JED: I heard you were dancing.
CJ: a little bit, sir.
JED: did you do the jackal?
CJ: It's the WAP now, sir.
JED: I hope the P stands for "Pope."
CJ: no, sir
JED: yes, for god's sake.
CJ: (out of breath) good evening, sir.
JED: I heard you were dancing.
CJ: a little bit, sir.
JED: did you do the jackal?
CJ: It's the WAP now, sir.
JED: I hope the P stands for "Pope."
CJ: no, sir
JED: CJ, don't you think it's somewhat unseemly to dance when a man has contracted a dangerous virus?
CJ: can the First Lady hear me?
ABBY: I'm here.
CJ: Mrs. Bartlett, do you have some sort of music-playing device with you? I want you to look up an artist named Megan--
CJ: can the First Lady hear me?
ABBY: I'm here.
CJ: Mrs. Bartlett, do you have some sort of music-playing device with you? I want you to look up an artist named Megan--
SAM: Abby, don't do what she's telling you to do.
ABBY: that's Dr. Bartlett. I'm looking, CJ.
JED: I believe we were talking about me.
TOBY: yes, sir. a statement. I still think it's a bad idea.
SAM: there's nothing to say that won't sound vindictive or false.
ABBY: that's Dr. Bartlett. I'm looking, CJ.
JED: I believe we were talking about me.
TOBY: yes, sir. a statement. I still think it's a bad idea.
SAM: there's nothing to say that won't sound vindictive or false.
JED: what if I'm feeling vindictive?
TOBY: then that's all the more reason not to say anything.
JED: god, you lily-livered intellectual elites pain me sometimes.
TOBY: sir, you're a Nobel laureate.
JED: get Ainsley on the phone.
CJ: you know who she works for now, right?
TOBY: then that's all the more reason not to say anything.
JED: god, you lily-livered intellectual elites pain me sometimes.
TOBY: sir, you're a Nobel laureate.
JED: get Ainsley on the phone.
CJ: you know who she works for now, right?
AINSLEY: good evening, Mr. President. I imagine you're calling to gloat?
JED: you have a vivid imagination.
TOBY: he's calling for advice. he thinks he should make a statement.
AINSLEY: sir, I work for the Lincoln Project. I don't think it's right I advise you.
SAM: I do.
JED: you have a vivid imagination.
TOBY: he's calling for advice. he thinks he should make a statement.
AINSLEY: sir, I work for the Lincoln Project. I don't think it's right I advise you.
SAM: I do.
TOBY: you do?
SAM: sure. we're on the same team on this one.
AINSLEY: your making a statement might benefit us, and not you.
JED: what benefit am I worried about? I'm retired.
ABBY: your legacy.
JED: is secure.
ABBY: your children.
JED: are rich, grown, and happy.
SAM: sure. we're on the same team on this one.
AINSLEY: your making a statement might benefit us, and not you.
JED: what benefit am I worried about? I'm retired.
ABBY: your legacy.
JED: is secure.
ABBY: your children.
JED: are rich, grown, and happy.
SAM: he's thinking of saying "I told you so."
JED: it was just a first draft. Toby will write the real thing.
AINSLEY: you shouldn't appear vindictive.
SAM: that's what I said.
AINSLEY: something statesmanlike.
JED: I've been statesmanlike this whole time. I wore a mask.
JED: it was just a first draft. Toby will write the real thing.
AINSLEY: you shouldn't appear vindictive.
SAM: that's what I said.
AINSLEY: something statesmanlike.
JED: I've been statesmanlike this whole time. I wore a mask.
ABBY: I made you wear a mask.
JED: Dr. Bartlett made me wear a mask. and in statesmanlike fashion, I obeyed my wife.
CJ: where are you planning to place this statement?
JED: I don't know. I hear Chuck Grassley found a messenger pigeon.
TOBY: the pigeon was dead, sir.
JED: Dr. Bartlett made me wear a mask. and in statesmanlike fashion, I obeyed my wife.
CJ: where are you planning to place this statement?
JED: I don't know. I hear Chuck Grassley found a messenger pigeon.
TOBY: the pigeon was dead, sir.
JED: oh. well I suppose it's not very good at its job, then.
TOBY: about as good as the postal service these days, sir.
JED: where would you suggest placing the statement, CJ?
CJ: I could give it to Danny.
JED: isn't he retired?
CJ: semi-retired. he freelances.
TOBY: about as good as the postal service these days, sir.
JED: where would you suggest placing the statement, CJ?
CJ: I could give it to Danny.
JED: isn't he retired?
CJ: semi-retired. he freelances.
JED: Danny, then. all right. we can give it to Danny. Ainsley, what should I say?
AINSLEY: should I bring George in on this?
JED: Conway? no. he's a nincompoop. blows this way and that with the wind.
TOBY: well said, sir.
JED: I want your opinion, Ainsley, not your bosses'.
AINSLEY: should I bring George in on this?
JED: Conway? no. he's a nincompoop. blows this way and that with the wind.
TOBY: well said, sir.
JED: I want your opinion, Ainsley, not your bosses'.
AINSLEY: well, I think you should say that although you disagree on many things, you know what it's like to experience an illness in office.
JED: that's soft. you don't want me to be soft on the guy.
SAM: it's smart, sir. never interrupt your opponent when he's losing votes.
JED: that's soft. you don't want me to be soft on the guy.
SAM: it's smart, sir. never interrupt your opponent when he's losing votes.
TOBY: he's not our opponent. we don't have an opponent. if we had an opponent, Josh would be on this call!
JED: good point. Toby, get Josh on the call.
CJ: sir, Josh is--
JED: In Portland, yes. they have phones in anarchist jurisdictions, right?
TOBY: he's in jail, sir.
JED: good point. Toby, get Josh on the call.
CJ: sir, Josh is--
JED: In Portland, yes. they have phones in anarchist jurisdictions, right?
TOBY: he's in jail, sir.
JED: an actual jail?
TOBY: as opposed to what kind?
JED: I dont know. some sort of mock U.N. thing, for kids.
AINSLEY: please don't put anything about mock jails in the statement, Mr. President.
SAM: why didn't Josh call me? I should be his phone call.
TOBY: he called me.
TOBY: as opposed to what kind?
JED: I dont know. some sort of mock U.N. thing, for kids.
AINSLEY: please don't put anything about mock jails in the statement, Mr. President.
SAM: why didn't Josh call me? I should be his phone call.
TOBY: he called me.
SAM: I'm his attorney!
TOBY: well, maybe he doesn't want to get out of jail just yet.
JED: I can't still pardon him, can I?
TOBY: no, sir.
JED: God, I miss it sometimes.
CJ: the presidency, sir?
JED: just the part where I could tell all of you to shut up and make it stick.
TOBY: well, maybe he doesn't want to get out of jail just yet.
JED: I can't still pardon him, can I?
TOBY: no, sir.
JED: God, I miss it sometimes.
CJ: the presidency, sir?
JED: just the part where I could tell all of you to shut up and make it stick.
JOSH: good evening, sir.
JED: I thought you were in jail.
JOSH: I am in jail, sir. what can I do for you?
CJ: while Toby and Sam were busy arguing about who Josh should have called, I called the jail and asked for Josh.
JED: Josh, should I make a statement or not?
JED: I thought you were in jail.
JOSH: I am in jail, sir. what can I do for you?
CJ: while Toby and Sam were busy arguing about who Josh should have called, I called the jail and asked for Josh.
JED: Josh, should I make a statement or not?
JOSH: you should make one rip-roaring hell of a statement.
JED: should I say "I told you so?"
JOSH: did you tell him so?
JED: I tried. he wouldn't return my calls.
JOSH: then no, that's lying.
JED: and you're going to tell me I only get to do that while in office, I suppose.
JED: should I say "I told you so?"
JOSH: did you tell him so?
JED: I tried. he wouldn't return my calls.
JOSH: then no, that's lying.
JED: and you're going to tell me I only get to do that while in office, I suppose.
CJ: what if you just send your well-wishes to the youngest one?
JED: the tall one?
CJ: is that a dig at me?
TOBY: he really is quite tall.
AINSLEY: he's a child, sir. don't bring him in.
JOSH: well-wishes are "bringing him in?"
AINSLEY: in a statement to the press? yes.
JED: the tall one?
CJ: is that a dig at me?
TOBY: he really is quite tall.
AINSLEY: he's a child, sir. don't bring him in.
JOSH: well-wishes are "bringing him in?"
AINSLEY: in a statement to the press? yes.
JED: I suppose you're right. I won't wish him well. in fact, I'll wish him nothing at all.
TOBY: you could say you're feeling fortunate to have been well-advised while in office by health experts, including the First Lady.
JOSH: that'll just bring up M.S. comparisons.
TOBY: you could say you're feeling fortunate to have been well-advised while in office by health experts, including the First Lady.
JOSH: that'll just bring up M.S. comparisons.
SAM: how about you don't say anything about him at all?
TOBY: make it about the American people.
SAM: in a time of crisis—
CJ: *snorts* it's not a crisis, it's the first good news this year.
SAM: in a time of great uncertainty...
TOBY: a time of yearning for stability...
TOBY: make it about the American people.
SAM: in a time of crisis—
CJ: *snorts* it's not a crisis, it's the first good news this year.
SAM: in a time of great uncertainty...
TOBY: a time of yearning for stability...
SAM: ...a time when America, stuck in a beleaguered present, longs for a mythical past and a promised future...
TOBY: ...it is clearer now than ever that today's challenges shape tomorrow's opportunities.
SAM: ...as a nation, we grieve deeply together, and we rise together.
TOBY: ...it is clearer now than ever that today's challenges shape tomorrow's opportunities.
SAM: ...as a nation, we grieve deeply together, and we rise together.
TOBY: and—bear with me, sir—today's unprecedented trials remind me that America has yet to keep her founding promises to her citizens.
SAM: liberty. equality. prosperity. for too many American families, these ideals remain out of reach.
TOBY: my time to lead has passed.
SAM: liberty. equality. prosperity. for too many American families, these ideals remain out of reach.
TOBY: my time to lead has passed.
SAM: today, I am proud to follow a new generation—a rising force that fights for what it believes in.
JOSH: hey. still in jail for fighting for what I believe in over here.
ABBY: maybe you're an honorary youth?
TOBY: we're riffing. please don't interrupt when we're riffing.
JOSH: hey. still in jail for fighting for what I believe in over here.
ABBY: maybe you're an honorary youth?
TOBY: we're riffing. please don't interrupt when we're riffing.
ABBY: that's "please don't interrupt, DR. Bartlett."
TOBY: yes, ma'am.
JED: say something about my children. Zoe's doing such great work at that awful socialist rag.
SAM: I am inspired most of all by my daughters, fearless in their devotion to their values and their nation.
TOBY: yes, ma'am.
JED: say something about my children. Zoe's doing such great work at that awful socialist rag.
SAM: I am inspired most of all by my daughters, fearless in their devotion to their values and their nation.
TOBY: my time in the oval office affords me a unique vantage point from which to observe today's trials and tribulations.
SAM: and what I've observed most keenly is the unquenchable spirit of human kindness.
TOBY: presidents don't save lives. nurses and teachers do.
SAM: and what I've observed most keenly is the unquenchable spirit of human kindness.
TOBY: presidents don't save lives. nurses and teachers do.
SAM: so when you ask me if I think the country can survive this current crisis?
TOBY: I think a country is not so much defined by those with the most power, but by those with the least.
SAM: the real business of America takes place not in the Oval Office, but in classrooms.
TOBY: I think a country is not so much defined by those with the most power, but by those with the least.
SAM: the real business of America takes place not in the Oval Office, but in classrooms.
TOBY: and on street corners, where too many Americans, too many veterans, sleep at night.
SAM: and in the streets, where our youth are proud to march together and call for change.
TOBY: I know my successor in the White House will receive the best medical care in the world.
SAM: and in the streets, where our youth are proud to march together and call for change.
TOBY: I know my successor in the White House will receive the best medical care in the world.
SAM: I only hope that—with the leadership of more citizens, and fewer politicians—there will come a day when I can say the same of every single mother, every newborn child, and every senior citizen.
TOBY: add a God Bless America, and you're done.
JED: CJ, did you get all that?
TOBY: add a God Bless America, and you're done.
JED: CJ, did you get all that?
CJ: huh?
ABBY: you really should see this video CJ is showing me. it's really something. you say *you* did that dance?
CJ: well, not quite like they do it.
JED: please tell me someone wrote all that down.
AINSLEY: I did, sir. on tape.
JED: of course. the republican.
ABBY: you really should see this video CJ is showing me. it's really something. you say *you* did that dance?
CJ: well, not quite like they do it.
JED: please tell me someone wrote all that down.
AINSLEY: I did, sir. on tape.
JED: of course. the republican.
JOSH: you can't record this. you're in a two-party state.
AINSLEY: relax, I'm joking. I just took notes. I'll type them up for you.
JED: should I add something in about voting?
CJ: sir, if anyone hasn't decided whether or not to vote by this time, you won't sway them.
AINSLEY: relax, I'm joking. I just took notes. I'll type them up for you.
JED: should I add something in about voting?
CJ: sir, if anyone hasn't decided whether or not to vote by this time, you won't sway them.
JED: so that's it. that's the statement. no well-wishes, but no I-told-you-so.
TOBY: that's the statement.
JED: Zoe will ask why I didn't give it to her.
CJ: you can't give Jacobin an exclusive, sir.
JED: well why the hell not?
CJ: because I already texted Danny.
TOBY: that's the statement.
JED: Zoe will ask why I didn't give it to her.
CJ: you can't give Jacobin an exclusive, sir.
JED: well why the hell not?
CJ: because I already texted Danny.
JED: fine. we'll give it to Danny. but if there's any followup, Zoe gets it.
JOSH: you just called her publication a "socialist rag."
JED: and? she may be redder than a baboon's behind, but she's my daughter.
ABBY: Jed!
AINSLEY: it's okay, Ma'am. Presidents are coarse now.
JOSH: you just called her publication a "socialist rag."
JED: and? she may be redder than a baboon's behind, but she's my daughter.
ABBY: Jed!
AINSLEY: it's okay, Ma'am. Presidents are coarse now.
JED: see? even the republican is on my side.
AINSLEY: we have very few decent sides to be on these days, sir.
JED: give that nutter Conway my regards. and trip his wife down the stairs for me, will you?
TOBY: you'll send CJ the final language?
AINSLEY: already did.
AINSLEY: we have very few decent sides to be on these days, sir.
JED: give that nutter Conway my regards. and trip his wife down the stairs for me, will you?
TOBY: you'll send CJ the final language?
AINSLEY: already did.
JED: excellent. now, if there's nothing else to do, I'm going back to bed.
SAM: sir, Josh is still in jail.
JED: call a nurse or a teacher to get him out. politicians and intellectuals are passé.
ABBY: wait! CJ, don't hang up. I need to know how to get one of these leotards.
SAM: sir, Josh is still in jail.
JED: call a nurse or a teacher to get him out. politicians and intellectuals are passé.
ABBY: wait! CJ, don't hang up. I need to know how to get one of these leotards.
CJ: planning to learn the WAP, ma'am?
JED: good-NIGHT everyone. *hangs up phone*
ABBY: I wasn't done!
JED: you don't secretly hate Christmas or anything, do you?
ABBY: You know I love Christmas.
JED: Let's go upstairs, Dr. Bartlett.
ABBY: Lead the way, Mr. President.
JED: good-NIGHT everyone. *hangs up phone*
ABBY: I wasn't done!
JED: you don't secretly hate Christmas or anything, do you?
ABBY: You know I love Christmas.
JED: Let's go upstairs, Dr. Bartlett.
ABBY: Lead the way, Mr. President.
