I really appreciate a lot of people sharing their stories of pregnancy loss, stillbirth, miscarriage, and related experiences today. I think it's incredibly helpful to so many people who suffer in silence. And if you never want to talk about it, that's important to respect, too.

I can remember crawling up three flights of stairs to my apartment after a miscarriage began (I student taught all day in the Bronx and then went to grad school at night.) I hadn't even known I was 10-12 wks pregnant. I'm so glad I didn't know. Everyone's experience is different.

I can say that's the worst physical pain I've ever experienced. It was hard to walk out of class, and I had to lay down on my back in the public bathroom before I could work up the energy to walk out to hail a cab. I didn't know what was going on. Had a panic attack for sure.

I was 25 and as healthy as can be. Pregnancy loss can happen at any age. I didn't even call it a miscarriage for years, because I didn't know how to wrap my mind around that. A friend my age had a similar experience and was devastated. Everyone's reaction is their own.

I don't remember exactly what it looked like when I went to the bathroom. I think my brain protected me from that. I really appreciate that my memory stopped there. I do remember there was a lot of damn dog hair on those stairs as I was crawling up them.

Also I remember I took a bunch of Xanax and Advil, and I lay down with the stuffed musical giraffe I'd been given by my great-grandma when I was an infant. I slept with it in my crib and had it until I was in my thirties, truth be told. I prayed a lot and fell asleep.

Anyway, it's okay to feel relieved. It's okay to feel angry. It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel resentful, jealous, mad, glad, etc. Just in case a friend or spouse is going through it, you should know that there's no rulebook. You can ask what they need. They may not know.

You don't have to feel guilty for wanting or not wanting to be pregnant, or feeling utterly neutral about it. Seriously, your feelings are your own. I mean I know you probably know that, but in my experience sometimes it helps to see a stranger say something random like that.

And you can feel absolutely devastated for a total stranger who really wanted their baby. That's human compassion and it's a beautiful thing. Your feelings about your own miscarriage/pregnancy loss may be the same, or different. You get to feel empathy for somebody in pain.

Also your friend who is going through it might not remember all of what happens, or all/some of what they say (especially if meds are involved to help them through the pain, which can be extreme - physically, emotionally, etc.) Sometimes it helps to give them grace & space.

I would say, just from experience with friends, that it helps to let them determine how they talk about what happened. If they say, "I miss my baby" you take that as a cue. If they say, "I wanted this to happen" but don't use a term to follow up, that's your cue. Etc.

Anyway, I'm not an expert in this shit by any means. I have four friends who lost pregnancies in the past six months. It has always happened all the time, we just hear about it a bit more now because of changing standards, the Internet, and so on.

My great-grandma had 14 pregnancies and nine babies delivered who survived to adulthood. My grandmother had a stillborn first child, then two daughters. Some people hold funerals, some hold other ceremonies, some don't. However you process it is however you process it.

I can't compare my experience to anybody else's. I can say, broadly, that when it is a pregnancy that was planned and/or very much wanted, the pain seems to be much, much greater. There is no system of mathematics that can measure that agony.

I deeply appreciate that Chrissy Teigen and John Legend shared their pain. It was a generous act that will make others feel less alone. It has helped people I know. We heal when we tell our stories and we heal when we hear that which makes us feel seen. Even when it hurts.

From my own experience, I have taken the following lessons: 1. Never assume what anyone is experiencing in the year after the loss of a pregnancy. 2. Spouses, partners, friends and family members can hurt too, and sometimes they don't know how to say it. 3. Crying is good.

Also, vacuum the fucking stairs. Not because an until-recently-pregnant 25-year-old high school teacher might have to crawl up them in a fog of physical pain and terror, but because you can't just vacuum the hallway if you have carpeted stairs. I ALWAYS VACUUM THE STAIRS NOW.

If you see somebody laying on the floor in a public restroom, maybe check in and ask if she's okay. This is also a lesson I have carried forth over the past 15 years. If she doesn't want to talk, you can move along.

Oh and if you ever go through this, just know that your hormones are going to be all fucked up for awhile. Whether or not you wanted a baby of your own, I hope you will treat yourself like a child who needs gentle care and love. Therapy helps a lot if it's the right person.

I know that my miscarriage at 10-12 weeks when I didn't even know I was pregnant or want to be pregnant is a world away from a late term pregnancy loss or stillbirth. So take my words and those of anyone with a grain of salt, okay? Keep what works for YOU. This is about YOU.

Also, some people will say SOME TRULY AWFUL SHIT sometimes. One friend heard, "Well, at least you don't have to shop for baby clothes for next time!" Another heard, "Just keep the diaper cake in the closet." I'm not kidding. So if you want to keep it private forever, I GET IT.

If you have a friend who experienced pregnancy loss and they go very quiet and private, let them. Check in here and there though. You can say, "Just thinking of you" or whatever you say in your friend language.

I know you'll see a lot of threads and things like this. Some people hate heartfelt shit like this. Other people hate that there are swears. Other people love it. http://ModernLoss.com  isn't specific to this topic but it's very helpful, with many more voices.

I will hate vacuuming stairs for the rest of my fucking life. I will rip carpet off the stairs in every home in which I am permitted to do it for the rest of my life. And now you know the harrowing origin story of my endless love for hardwood flooring, slate, and tile. Also...

Repeat to yourself, "I get to feel however the fuck I fucking feel." Say that as many times as you want. Say it to somebody who annoys you! Put it on a Post-It and stick it to your mirror. Make it a repeating event on your calendar. Okay. I am proud of you. Take good care.