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Should I re-tell the story of my grandma putting my father out to stud as a young man? (Early twenties.)
My dad loves to tell people this story so please do not worry about his privacy in this matter.
So, when my dad was a handsome young stoner adult, he lived with his mom, my Bad Grandmother, who was a human ball of rolling disaster, kind of like a Langolier.
And one day my grandmother came up from the laundry room and said “Billy, do you know Amy in 5A?”
My dad was like “...kind of? Early thirties?”
“She wants you to take her out for a date.”
“Isn’t she married?”
“He’s fine with it.”
My dad was like “...kind of? Early thirties?”
“She wants you to take her out for a date.”
“Isn’t she married?”
“He’s fine with it.”
“She said to pick her up at her apartment at 7pm on Wednesday.”
So, my dad, being a single man, was like “fuck it, why not” and found himself awkwardly knocking on the apartment door. Husband answered it with a very very blank expression. “You here for Amy?”
“...yes?”
So, my dad, being a single man, was like “fuck it, why not” and found himself awkwardly knocking on the apartment door. Husband answered it with a very very blank expression. “You here for Amy?”
“...yes?”
Amy appears, husband goes back to the couch, not looking super thrilled.
My dad: “so...do you want to go see a movie or something?”
Amy: “I want to go back to your place.”
(Happily my grandma was at work, and my dad was like “hell yes!”)
My dad: “so...do you want to go see a movie or something?”
Amy: “I want to go back to your place.”
(Happily my grandma was at work, and my dad was like “hell yes!”)
They proceed to have unprotected sex (many decades later my then-divorced dad called me to ask if I knew how expensive condoms were, having never previously used one, thanks, Dad), he “assumed she was on the pill.”
She told him to pick her up again the next night, he did.
She told him to pick her up again the next night, he did.
What followed was about 3-4 four months of my dad picking Amy up just twice a month, on the specific dates she demanded, and having unprotected sex with her.
I think you can see what’s happening here, but my dad sure didn’t.
I think you can see what’s happening here, but my dad sure didn’t.
After those months were over, a very happy Amy and her very “this might as well happen” husband moved out of the building, never to be seen again.
It took many years for my dad to realize that the husband was shooting blanks and he had been a free 6 foot, handsome sperm bank.
It took many years for my dad to realize that the husband was shooting blanks and he had been a free 6 foot, handsome sperm bank.
Despite privacy concerns, I watch my DNA matches with great regularity, bc I am very certain I have an older half-sibling out there.
My dad finds the whole thing very flattering. “And, of all the men in the apartment building, it was I who was selected to jizz in this woman.”
My dad finds the whole thing very flattering. “And, of all the men in the apartment building, it was I who was selected to jizz in this woman.”
(This is prob a form of reproductive coercion but my fool father never asked if she was on the pill and also really didn’t care. Please do not do this to men without asking first. Also if at ALL possible go to a sperm bank for legal protections.)
I did say “Dad, I cannot believe I am asking you this, but when you were...done...did she kind of prop some pillows under her butt or bring her knees to her chest?”
Dad: “....ah.”
Dad: “....ah.”
(I picked “Amy” as her pseudonym bc this is some Gone Girl shit.)
