#TheWeekInTory returns for the second time in 4 days

The weeks grow shorter, but the days last forever

Anyway: don your athletic support, lower your visor, drink heavily, and start with some comparatively minor corruption...

1. The consultant who advised the govt to look for "alternative arrangements" on the Irish Border is in line for a £200m contract if alternative arrangements go ahead

2. But to facilitate this, the govt has to break international law with the Internal Market Bill (IMB)

3. Nobody can tell us what the "alternative arrangements" are, but the IMB passed through parliament anyway

4. The UK’s highest-ranking law officer in Scotland resigned over the IMB

5. The UK’s special envoy on media freedom, Amal Clooney (yes, that one) quit over IMB

6. The former (Tory appointed) ambassador to USA said the IMB was "hugely damaging to our international reputation"

7. Those snowflake liberal Remoaners Toby Young, Peter Hitchens and Tim Montgomerie turned on the govt over IMB. As did every living former-PM

8. Joe Biden said there would be no UK/US Trade Deal if the IMB went ahead

9. Iain Duncan Smith said "we don’t need lectures" from Joe Biden

10. Trump’s special envoy to NI also said there would be no Trade Deal

11. Apparently, IDS does need lectures. Who knew?

12. Oh, and IMB also includes a provision allowing the govt to break absolutely any law, absolutely any time

13. Unrelated, I’m sure, but the number of "problem drinkers" in England doubled this year

16. So the govt cut funding to alcohol addiction services

15. Dominic Raab, whose job it is to understand the Good Friday Agreement, admitted he hasn’t read the Good Friday Agreement

16. His excuse is: "it’s not a novel". True. Novels tend to be longer than 35 pages, aren't vital to solving conflicts that killed 3600 people

17. The PM, who literally voted to break a deal he signed with the EU, said the EU was "not negotiating in good faith"

18. The next morning, NI minister and arch memo-misser Brandon Lewis went on TV and said "I believe the EU is negotiating in good faith"

19. It was revealed the Smart Freight System to handle post-Brexit trade won’t be ready until at least April 2021.

20. That’s at least 4 months without a freight handling system, during the time of year we rely on food imports the most

21. The Road Haulage Assoc said a meeting with Michael Gove to discuss border checks provided "no clarity" and was "a washout"

22. An official report says 2-day queues at Dover in January are "a certainty"

23. So the govt closed a Covid test site in Kent, to convert it into a lorry park, in what experts (well, me) are calling "the world’s shittest game of whack-a-mole"

24. The govt said people would be fined £1000 if they don’t self-isolate after getting a positive test

25. And then all tests ran out in the 10 worst-hit Covid hotspots

26. And then all home testing kits ran out, nationally

27. And then the website for booking tests broke, and just showed a series of error messages

28. And then the govt said the system was under strain cos people were asking for tests when they didn’t know they were infected

29. So [deep breath] you must self-isolate after getting a test that doesn’t exist, and you can only get a test if you already know the result

30. Naturally, honesty no-fly-zone Priti Patel went on Radio 4 and announced tests were available everywhere and there were "no problems getting tests"

31. Same day - same hour, in fact - Boris Johnson said the testing system "has huge problems"

32. Jacob Rees-Mogg, who simply cannot shut up about fish, said we should stop the "endless carping" about not being tested for a fatal infection

33. Boris Johnson went on national TV and announced a "£100bn moonshot" approach to Covid, which would test "10m people per day"

34. Three days later, in front of a Parliamentary Committee, said he "didn’t recognise" the figure of 10m a day

35. And it was reported his half-brother is on the board of the business that would get most of the £100bn budget, which I’m sure is just a massive coincidence

36. Officials branded the moonshot as "Moonfuck"

37. And then Matt Hancock had to ask other cabinet ministers to stop referring to him as "Matt WankCock"

38. Despite appearances, these are not 7 year old boys

39. Food news, and Tory MP Douglas Ross said "I have seen the difference free school meals can make, and I want to make sure nobody falls through the cracks"

40. Douglas Ross voted against free school meals

41. Boris Johnson said we cannot put punitive restrictions on food imports from the EU (to force them to give up on Ireland), or we will starve

42. And then, minutes later, he agreed with a Brexiter MP who said we SHOULD put punitive restrictions on food imports from the EU

43. Boris Johnson said "I venerate our civil service" after sacking the innocent heads of multiple departments to protect friends including Gavin Williamson and Dominic Cummings. And as a result, people leaving the civil service rose 14% in a year

44. Planning-ahead news: an international conglomerate pulled out of a £16bn power project because the govt hasn’t performed its part of the deal for the last 20 months

45. Funding cuts since 2010 meant the govt had to inject £700m to prevent further education going bankrupt

46. This week it was found the govt – which last week voted not to implement the recommendations of the Grenfell Tower Inquiry – has also failed to deliver its promise to remove the same dangerous cladding from at least 2000 tower blocks. Sleep well.

47. And then the govt said files on Grenfell were "lost forever", after a laptop was wiped. Cos everything is always stored on a single laptop. We all know this.

48. The govt runs G-Cloud, its own dedicated cloud backup service, which has been active since 2012. So... yeah.

49. At a committee in parliament, an MP read out the Covid test figures. Dido Harding, in charge of testing, said “I’m sorry, that’s just not true, I don’t know where that number is from”

50. It was from her own report. Page 8. In bold type.

51. Dido Harding said "nobody could predict" a rise in demand for testing

52. Govt scientists predicted it, and in a July report sent to Dido Harding – maybe it was a different one? - said "July and Aug must be a period of intense preparation for a Sept resurgence in Covid"

53. Oh, and standard advice says the NHS must always prepare for cold and respiratory infections to spike immediately after the return to school in Sept

54. Dido Harding wasted £13m on a "world-beating" testing app that cost £12.3m more than the German app, and didn’t work

55. She is now in charge of the test-and-trace service which has collapsed completely

56. So naturally, it was reported the govt wants to sack the head of NHS England and install Dido Harding instead. Let's make the most of that successful record, eh?

57. In June the govt tweeted "grab a drink and raise a glass, pubs are reopening"

58. The PM said "it is your patriotic duty to go out and enjoy yourselves"

59. This week they said the public is responsible, and "people going to the pub fuelled the rise in Covid"

60. So the govt closed pubs at 10pm, cos it’s well-known viruses only pop out for last orders.

61. Matt Hancock said the govt "threw a protective ring around care homes"

62. A leaked document said care homes are now being asked to accept patients who are known to have Covid

63. Hospitals were banned from launching their own testing regime for staff and patience because… nope, nobody knows why. Just because.

64. There hasn’t been a meeting of COBRA (the govt’s committee for national emergencies, headed by the PM) since 10th May

65. As Covid infections surged, Matt Hancock said restrictions are increasing, and pointed to a chart showing the govt has "moved to alert level 3". Level 3 is "a gradual relaxing of restrictions". Not only can't he remember his own alert system, he can't even read it.

66. Despite travel restrictions, it was reported the PM flew off for a long weekend in Perugia, where his friend the Russian billionaire Evgeny Lebedev lives. He denies it, but the airport has his landing documents. So either he’s lying or... no, that’s the end of that sentence

67. In June the govt spent £500m on a GPS satellite system to replace the one we lose due to Brexit

68. In July it was reported "we bought the wrong satellites"

69. This week the govt cancelled the programme and began asking the EU if we can keep on using their GPS system

70. A cross-party committee of MPs found nurse-Ratched cosplayer Priti Patel "bases immigration policies on anecdotes and prejudice"

71. It found her dept has "no idea" what its annual spending achieves, and referred to "the wreckage that [Patel’s dept’s] ignorance caused"

72. She is one of the favourites to replace Johnson

73. This is because it was reported the PM is thinking of quitting because he’s worried about his personal finances: the poor man has to "pay tax", "buy his own food" and "support 4 of his 6 children". Oh, the humanity!

74. And Jonathan Aitken – look him up – continues to get privileged access to parliament despite a ban on MPs who have served more than a year in prison. Which he did. And it was hilarious.

75. And finally, because he always needs a guest appearance, Chris Grayling, the man who awarded a ferry contract to a company with no ships, has got a £100k appointment to advise ports