My children will all grow up knowing from an EARLY AGE that Anastasia was shot and bayoneted to death by the Bolsheviks in Yekaterinburg in 1918 before being dumped in a hole and no goddamn children’s movies will prevent them from loudly telling their friends that at school.

No one:

Literally no one:

My kids: “Anastasia died in absolute terror while watching her entire family, including her useless anti-Semitic father and their pet dog, ripped apart by gunfire and then bayonets bc the jewels hidden in their clothes stopped some bullets.”

Jesus, it’s gonna be like the time my kid’s therapist’s dog died and my kid would NOT stop flatly saying “your dog is dead” to her as a general greeting. And I asked her not to and she looked at me and said “but the dog is dead.”

So we finally sat down and really explained that her (beloved!) therapist didn’t need to hear that twice a week, and she’s like “got it” and the next time she saw her she said “Jana, I’m not allowed to tell you your dog is dead.” And Jana was like “PROGRESS!”

If you’re on the fence about kids, I can’t recommend it highly enough. Today Steve was pretending to eat the baby’s breakfast and Your Dog is Dead child came RUNNING OVER, grabbed his arm and said “DO *NOT* EAT HER FOOD, EVEN IF SHE DOESN’T WANT IT RIGHT NOW! CUT THAT OUT!”

Oh and if I’m ever like “don’t do that, you’ll get hurt,” she immediately grinds to a halt and says “would I die or just be seriously injured?” and I’m like “EITHER WAY please stop.”

You should know that The Big Conversations never happen on your timescale, you are not prepped, you are loading the dishwasher & suddenly your kid says “are you going to die?” and you black out and forget everything you’re supposed to say and blurt out “NO, only old people die!”

Which, please don’t say that, it’s a bad idea and very untrue. It also resulted in my daughter pointing her finger at anyone w grey hair at the supermarket and pronouncing grimly “you’re going to die soon”. This went on for a v long time. I was dodging old people left and right.

Said child also became obsessed with telling bald people “you’re bald” (they know!) at the swimming pool and we really worked on it and then we met a black man who was bald and she said, in a frustrated voice “I’m not allowed to NAME YOU.”

So obviously he looked at me like “what the holy hell are you saying at home?” and I got to hastily explain some politer version of “it’s not that you’re black, it’s that you’re bald” and thank GOD he had kids and just laughed hysterically and went back to swimming.

Steve is agnostic and I wasn’t sure if he would be a fan of “you go to heaven, it’s great there, lots of dogs and those sour lemon drops you like” as a “what happens when you die?” answer but he latched onto it like a life preserver because it WORKS.

When she goes to college and embraces atheism she’ll be old enough to deal with “The Void of Nothingness Awaits Us All” and that’s fine.

IN CONCLUSION as I have to work now: Anastasia died in 1918, the Tsar had it coming, Richard had the Princes in the Tower killed, kids are morbid, and they will ask The Big Questions not when you are cuddling/drinking hot chocolate but when you are frazzled and busy. Be warned.