Goveller’s Travels

September 4th 1727

Of the inhabitants of Lilliput; their learning, laws, and customs.

Although I intend to leave the description of this empire to another treatise, I am content to gratify the curious reader with some general ideas. Providence never

intended to make the management of public affairs a mystery to be comprehended only by persons of sublime genius like Chris Grayling, of which there seldom are three born in an age: so they suppose truth, justice and temperance to be in every man’s power, if only that man could

fasten his shoes. And whilst Gavin Williamson was doing OK with Velcro, he had not yet mastered the laces. The practice of venality assisted by stupidity and hubris is enough to qualify any man for service in this country and thus, the new trade envoy Tony Abbott was recruited,

on the grounds that whilst he had been a shit Prime-Minister, he was at least a homophobic misogynist; The Miniature for First Boyfriends, Matt Hancock and Second Places, Liz Truss were some of the loudest, toe-straightening cheerleaders for this Cock Dundee, themselves so

overburdened with flair, they inclined to behave like simpering morons under interview, to inspire their fellow countrypeople that the leap from milk-monitor to statesperson was shorter than they might think. Best of all was the deputy-emperor Boris, sheathed by a phallus of

nodding donkeys from the remedial Tufton Street TEFL course (Tossers Egregious From Lilliput), in order to insulate the public from a man so far from being supplied by superior endowments of the mind, his chief inclination was preening cowardice underscored by a great

ability to manage, multiply, and then defend his corruptions. The ultimate goal of these micro-dopes? For their ever-decreasing talent-pool to cream off increasing sums of financial, social and political capital from the collective pot, until their shitadel of hope-sucking

misery had become so impenetrable, not even a man who could double-knot a pair of Reebok Classics could enter.

With thanks to @Michelangela75 for sourcing this lovely image!

Goveller's Travels will return on Monday.