Dion Fortune: how often have you asked yourself how can I defend myself from psychic attack?
Fortune: i present the psychic self defense kit
Fortune: patchouli pepper spray, 3rd eye flashlight, root chakra taser
Fortune: how much would you pay for this?
Fortune: don’t answer yet

Dion Fortune: now ladies
Fortune: what would you do if you were psychically attacked?
Anne Rice: what do you mean
Fortune: like what if a ghost tried to ravish you?
Rice: Oh! That’s easy
Rice: I wrote a whole crack fic about this

Rice: if I were attacked psychically by a ghost
Rice: driven by an unfathomable personal pain bc no one understands him
Rice: except for this strange girl who everyone makes fun of for being different from other girls
Rice: see she likes to read & drink tea instead of shopping

Fortune: these essential oils are vital for mind/body balance
Fortune: you can use them for anything
Fortune: rub em on your skin! Put em in your food!
Fortune: they’re absolutely safe!
Angela Carter: what’s in these
Dion Fortune: moonbeams and spirit chrism

Fortune: [rubbing oils on Rice’s arm] see you can really feel the negative ions working
Anne Rice: it burns
Angela Carter: yeah that’s raising an awful lot of blisters
Fortune: its probably just the toxins leaving
Carter: “probably?”
Fortune: its really more an art than a science

[2 weeks ago]
Dion Fortune: these essential oils will leech the impurities from your skin
Fortune: I assure you they will in no way cause horrible blistering & scarring
Fortune: or any kind of weeping pustules
Carol Joyce Oates: nice, sounds good
Oates: just put some on my feet

Oates: I’m sure nothing will go wrong
Oates: just fuck me up, fam

Fortune: you can buy these essential oils & get ALL the health benefits but here’s the great part
Fortune: if you get 2 friends to also sell these oils, they become part of your revenue stream
Fortune: and if each of them get 2 friends
Fortune: who knows? The sky’s the limit!

Angela Carter: wait is this a pyramid scheme
Fortune: oh no no no
Carter: cuz this really seems like a pyramid scheme
Carter: probably because you literally described a pyramid scheme
Patricia Highsmith: i can't participate in anything that requires having friends

Dion Fortune: this peppermint spray protects you from ghosts
Aleister Crowley: oh shit really? I'll take 2
Anton LaVey: i'll take 10
Crowley: did i say 2? i meant 1000
LaVey: I WANT 1000
Fortune: we take payment up front

Angela Carter: aleister this is a scam
Carter: essential oils do nothing
Aleister Crowley: [wearing a giant pharaoh headdress with a big eye on it] Please, do i look like some kind of fool?