Govellar’s Travels

August 25th

As news of my arrival spread through the kingdom, it brought prodigious numbers of rich, idle, and credulous people to see me and with the villages emptied of these Tories, a great neglect of tillage and affairs ensued. His majesty,

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the sultan of swingers, provided against this by directing those who had already beheld me to not presume to come again without a license; whereby his cronies got considerable backhanders in the furnishing. A COBRA meeting was convened to debate what course should be taken with

me, which clashed with his majesty’s bath, so was chaired by a pork-marketer named Truss who later deleted it from the public record. It was thought my diet and their decision not to trade with neighbours might cause famine so they determined to shoot me in the face with

poisoned arrows; then considered that the stench of so large a carcass might also boost the plague. So instead, they obliged all the villages nine hundred yards round the city to deliver six hundred Egg McMuffins for my sustenance daily, for which I gave assignments that I would

furnish them with my possessions; I took up two officers in my hands for this purpose, and put them into every pocket about me. Their inventory, as follows:

“Imprimis: In the right coat-pocket of the man-mountain’s Spliffy bomber jacket, we found a silver chest. Stepping into it

we found ourselves up to the mid leg in a white powder, some part whereof flying up to our faces set us both a sneezing, but it afterwards greatly hastened our search. In his right waistcoat-pocket a prodigious bundle of Werther's Orginals. The left, a pillar of iron, about the

length of two men, which we believe to be a Samsung Galaxy S20 5G. It kept vibrating with messages from a ‘Lady M’ demanding to know why Neil and Christine Hamilton hadn’t been invited for the monthly tripe fondue, and held tweets like ‘The day after we vote leave , we hold all

the cards’. Behind this we found all the Uno cards, with ‘easiest deal in history’, ‘don’t take no-deal off the table’ and ‘you can do this Mike!’ written in pink marker on the back. This is an exact record of what we found about the man-mountain”.

When this was read to his

wimperial majesty he directed me to deliver to him the crucial Uno negotiating cards that would determine the future of Britain, that he might use them himself; So I stooped to his six inches and surrendered them saying, ‘Here you go mush. I never thought I’d stoop this low!’

With many thanks to @MrJunkerBarlow for locating this picture.