my wife is the baddest bitch on earth and here's our childbirth story.

fucking thread

when she was in labor with our daughter, it was fucking crazy. at first she was like "oh i'm having bRaXtOn HiCkS" but i knew. i fucking knew.

she wanted to deliver in a tub. do a water birth. so we went through a birthing center and hired a midwife. this little english last had like 80s era equipment and was like "if shit goes south we're driving you to a hospital."

wife was like nah i don't need painkillers.

so we get to the birth center and the midwife is like "fuck your water's broke. go eat some spicy food and take black and blue cohosh." did i mention our midwife was a fucken sorcerer?

i just did what she said. we got indian food. fuck it was good. then we drove home. by the way i live in a fucking mountain all isolated so it's like an hour drive from anything.

few hours later it's going down. wife is hammering her fist on the bed. i am shook. call the doula and this lady walks in like snow white and suddenly everything makes sense.

twelve hours pass and we are back at the birth center. on the trip down my wife vomits in a fucking mixing bowl. one of those tupperwares with a lid.

midwife is like, not dilated enough yet so you're not in labor. gave her antibiotics and sent us the fuck home.

now the in-laws are there too. few more hours pass and we're back at the birth center. it's show time!

my wife is in this tub right? it does not look comfortable. there is a fucking human head popping out of her vag. motherfucker that is some shit to see.

that tub water was gettin' funny colors in it.

meanwhile my wife is, shit you not, telling people to get me a pad for my knees and bring me food. bitch who's having the baby here? but then i remember that my wife is a fucking indomitable badass. anyway, the tub ain't working out.

we get her out of that tub. she walks her ass over to a bed, baby head sticking out her cooter, and she is face down ass up on this bed. mother-in-law and doula in there with phones right on her naked ass. fucking blood on the floor. i stepped in it. y'all this was cray.

so it gets weird. the midwife is like "play with her tits." so there i am playing with my wife's tits. our heads together and i'm turning those nips like volume knobs. you like that momma? yeah she did that baby shot out like a fucking rocket.

doula's like "shirt's off daddio!" fuck i though everyone was gonna get naked.

our beautiful baby takes a nice black shit on mom then falls asleep on my hairy-ass chest.

i hear the worst squish sound you ever thought of and that was the placenta. doula takes that fucker away grinning like the mage's cloister gonna give her a fucken promotion.

there was so much goddamn blood it looked like a pig slaughterhouse. they stitched momma up.

an hour after that we were sitting in the car at burger king drive thru with a whole 'nother fucken human being. goddamn childbirth is cool. stopped by the pharmacy for some momma diapers and then we were home in bed.

i was fucken shook. that mixing bowl of puke sat in our drive way for two goddamn weeks.

little english lady..i fucken knew I wouldn't be able to write this without fucking up. oh well if you can't figure it out you're stupid.

If y'all like this thread and want to see my other threads here they are.

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