THIS

it’s the hollowest form of allyship, and the ableist version of “I don’t see color”

without first acknowledging *what we’re struggling against* you can’t begin to understand it, let alone offer useful support

#neisvoid https://twitter.com/ludawinthesky/status/1291001465482379265

an approach I’ve learned from working with cancer patients is to ask each individual:

“So how do *you* relate to [your experience] and how can I best support you in that?”

This works not only for illness, but for many aspects of identity, including race, gender, ability, etc.

Resist the urge to rush in with what you assume to be the “right approach”. While you may be correct, it’s better to simply ask.

Having been on the receiving end of this, there’s a point at which people’s assumptions about you become exhausting, no matter how well-intentioned.

Asking also creates space. Space for the other person to reflect on their situation, while centering their perspective and needs.

Sadly, this is a far-too-uncommon experience, especially if you live in a culture where “knowing” and ”telling” are seen as more helpful than asking.

That said, you should always keep in mind that you’re asking this for their benefit, not your own.

Intentions aren’t magic, and if you’re not careful you risk creating an implicit demand for the other person to do the work of educating you.

Do your own damn homework.

Trust is also hugely important.

If this is a person with whom you wouldn’t have previously discussed private or potentially sensitive personal issues, you shouldn’t presume to suddenly do so now.

Someone‘s [situation] isn’t an invitation to over-familiarity from strangers.

That said, situations still may still arise in which it feels necessary to at least extend an offer of assistance.

In such cases, consider a succinct “Do you need anything?” — and then accept a ‘no’.

Even then it’s usually best to let them ask first. If they need it, they will.

So what does this all look like in practice?

Returning to my initial suggestion, let’s take a look at a couple of examples.

So how do you relate to your cancer diagnosis?

Honestly? I’m overwhelmed and scared.

That’s totally understandable. How can I best support you with that?

I think… I’d rather not talk about it.

Okay! Let me know if that changes. Want to watch this distracting movie I brought?

So how do you relate to your chronic illness?

It’s become part of my identity. I’m still ‘me’, but a different me w/ different capabilities.

How can I best support you with that?

Believe me when I tell you what I can & cannot do. Don’t try to dismiss it or argue it away.

Ok!

So how do you relate to your terminal prognosis?

It’s complicated. But I’m committed to making the time I have left have real impact.

How can I best support you with that?

Help me promote my project to raise awareness about prostate cancer!

Calling my friend at CNN right now!

In my work I’ve met people who want to remain anonymous, and never talk about their situation, I’ve met people for whom their situation has become the central part of their identity and the work they want to do, and I’ve met people at every point in-between.

All are valid.

There is no “one size fits all” approach to helping others.

It’s okay to just ask.

Then accept the answer.

It may (& likely will) change over time, but arguing w/ answers you don’t like or understand won’t change them — it only lets the other person know they can’t trust *you*