I have some Ellen takeaways -- and it's only after watching her on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

I understood it.

Ellen is an older lesbian woman with no kids. She didn't do the "kid thing" that changes us.

Ellen is you... but at 26. No kids. Just in your head.

I mean this in the sincerest way: Kids change how you exist.

It's not a dependency.

It's a salient transformation. As a parent, you start caring about your kids, but also anyone else's kid.

You stop being a "you" person.

I don't fault Ellen. Lots of people in entertainment are shitty to their staff. They still have jobs.

Ellen is just... Missing something many of us understand.