I was raised Southern Baptist.

Now, to be clear, being baptized is supposed to be a choice in the Southern Baptist church. You’re supposed to feel the Lord moving through you, calling you to wash away your sins and dedicate your life to Him.

This is not how it happens.

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See, the Southern Baptists believe in something called the Age of Accountability. This is the idea that under a certain age, you are GUARANTEED a spot in Heaven because you CAN’T be expected to understand things like “God” and “Sin.”

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Fun fact: some states have similar laws where you can’t be held liable for crimes below a certain age because you can’t be expected to know right from wrong. That must be nice, because it tells you when you can expect to be held responsible for all those preschool felonies. /3

The Southern Baptists, though, aren’t as clear. It’s just, you know, that AGE. The one where you’re going to Hell. So that’s a nice wake-up call on your 7th birthday, to get both a train set AND eternal damnation if you eat a Tide Pod. /4

And there is NO question in the Southern Baptist church as to whether or not Hell is real. It’s real, the preacher will talk about this AT LENGTH on every Sunday, and you are fuckin’ GOING THERE Little Timmy so put down the Paw Patrol stickers and kiss your ass goodbye AMEN. /5

So there I was at age 7, suddenly being made very aware that my tiny ass was gonna burn at a time I still didn’t have that “wiping myself completely” thing down pat, and the preacher is standing there one Sunday and he’s doing the Call to Christ. /6

A brief aside to explain the Call to Christ is necessary at this point.

The Call to Christ is the last part of the Sunday Service. It’s also known as “that thing you do after they pass the collection plate” and “We’re almost done so get ready to go to Shoney’s.” /7

The preacher stands in front of the pulpit and says something like “Brothers and Sisters let us stand. As the choir sings ‘I Surrender All,’ including all the verses you never knew existed and mumbled earlier thinking nobody would notice BROTHER TOM let us bow our heads.” /8

He’s continue, “As we bow our heads and close our eyes, without peeking because SATAN PEEKS THROUGH YOUR EYES I’m gonna ask that if JESUS has come into your heart, opened your heart today, called you to him today, you come down this aisle.”

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“WITH EVERY HEAD BOWED AND EVERY EYE CLOSED, THAT INCLUDES YOU SISTER BETTIE ANN, if the LORD has called you to him today come right on down this aisle and join me in prayer and RENOUNCE the Devil and his wicked ways. WITH EVERY HEAD BOWED AND EVERY EYE CLOSED...”

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It went on like this for a while.

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Anyhow, there I am, a young kid, having suddenly been made aware that if I die I am now of the age where I WILL BURN and thinking about all those bad things I did and you best believe I took off at top speed up that aisle because holy hell was I not going to Holy Hell. /12

And it wasn’t like there weren’t fringe benefits to this decision outside of not going to HELL.

Once a month people who were saved got some grape juice and soup crackers during the service. A nice little snack to tide you over until you got to Shoney’s. /13

And afterwards, everyone raises their heads and the preacher introduces you to the congregation.

“Here’s little Boozy Badger, son of Papa Badger and Mama Badger, opening his HEART to WELCOME IN Jeeeesus!” And everyone shouted AMEN and you got to be the center of attention. /14

Let’s face it, even then I was a bit of a ham. So that appealed to me. /15

Then afterwards they’d schedule your baptism like a month later at a VERY SPECIAL sermon where all the people who were saved would line up to step into the repurposed hot tub they had in an alcove above the pulpit and the preacher would dunk you while you wore a white gown. /16

So, you know, again, HUGE chance to be an attention whore. /17

And in the month between you had to meet with the preacher so he could make sure you understood WHY baptism was important, and thank god for my reprobate Uncle who advised me saying “I don’t want to go to Hell” was not the acceptable answer no matter how honest it was. /18

Anyhow, finally my Sunday came, and there were a few other people to be baptized, and I’m right there at the end so MAXIMUM chance to be the big finale.

I watched as kids before me got a quick dip and planned what I would do when I came out of the water to get a response. /19

But I gotta tell you, I forgot one thing:

Preachers like to talk. /20

And I should have realized that because as I stepped into the repurposed hot tub (no shit, it had Jacuzzi Jets for Jesus), Brother Gary the Preacher whispered to me “Son, take a deep breath.”

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Then the dunked me under the water and proceeded to try and send my freshly washed soul immediately to Jesus.

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