A crime has been committed!

At approximately 8:30am 8/1/2020, reports of a succulent in distress were received in the backyard of a local resident physician.

Several witnesses were approached for statements; however, as is all too common in these scenarios and despite residing in the immediate area, none of the witnesses were willing or able to make either written or verbal statements.

The injured succulent was packaged and transported to the nearest succulent care unit (SuCU) where it remains in “grounded” condition.

The initial suspect was discovered loitering near the scene of the crime. She is described as a “miniature” pinscher despite weighing over 25 goddamn pounds and not anywhere near the 8-12 lbs breed average as their owners were originally suckered into believing.

Further investigation of her associates revealed two additional suspects: a long-haired dachshund of known distemperment and shameless hedonism:

And a local human and part-owner of the backyard who when asked for comment responded “Did you fix my succulents yet?” Not much is known about this suspect beyond rumors that she has engaged in illegal experiments of xenobotanical transplantation.

The long-haired dachshund is known to investigators from previous run-ins with succulent abuse (see file photos) but was not charged on account of his young age at the time.

Complicating matters, all three are known associates of one another and their mutual involvement cannot be excluded at this time.

If you have any tips, our DMs remain open.