Extracts from the plague diary of Mark ne-Francois-Pepys

July 25th 1665

Up and this morning was brought home my new Burberry cloake that is lined with velvet and a good cloth Lewis Hamilton Monster Energy patch on the outside, the first that ever I had in my life,

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that now all the town is talking about being able to pre-order my booke I need to look like David Essex and I pray God it may not be too soon now that I begin to wear it. So to the Ministry of Patriotism to settle on this mask business where parkour technician Dr Hancock

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discourses that we need wear them, with news from Johnson’s fridge that we do not, further clarity from Alok Sharma that it depends, and instinctively we did turn to Gavin Williamson who with a compelling croak and stutter followed by cabinet safeword ‘commonsense’

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put this matter to bed and I am feeling that if anything our message is too clear. Thence to Greggs, and I am remembering how all the people who think harder than everyone, the stoic columnists and brave Libertarians, say we shouldn’t wear them because of Magna Carta and 5G

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and so within our comprehensive guidance I went forth bare faced, and at Greggs counter asking my usual questions about their adherence to the Quorn Laws and potato peeling techniques, a crowde is soon amassed, recognising me as the famed diarist of our plague season,

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desperate to look upon the face of hallowed celebrity and speaking affectionately ‘Oi Gino, Wickford called, it wants its idiot back’ and ‘Francois you wanker’ and I am become wearied with looking upon this company of people, risen as they are to a curious

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frenzied heat in my presence, and I am come to see the importance of this mask in retaining my anonymity and so don it. Steak Bake. Bed.

Thank you to @sophieplowden for unearthing this superb image from a 1665 edition of Hello!

Plague diary business: http://www.marknefrancoispas.co.uk