Mum (75) is carrying her little mower 280 yards down the street to give our father's best friend a 'lockdown haircut'. He's dead. She's mowing his grave. It bothers her when he gets untidy.

Our mother will never stop, that's all I know. She's like the Terminator. She absolutely will. not. stop. until you are living your best life.

Lots of people on here know but probably more don't, that our mum crochets gender neutral baby white outfits for prems for her local hospital. With little hats that she puts on soft fruit overnight to check that they 'aren't too tight'.

So if you go to our house there will probably be fruit wearing hats and bonnets. This is totally standard and no one should be alarmed.

Mum donates them anonymously, all wrapped up, and drives off.

'Someone might like to know, Mum, that you knitted their baby a wardrobe, maybe'.

'Have your sorted your gas tariff?'

Our mother can't mow our father's grave because he lives in box in the bookcase. We all talk to him. He's very good on current affairs and the history of Latin America.

Lives in a box, obviously.