DM: ‘You come to large wooden door’

Cat: ‘I knock at the door’

DM: ‘An orc opens it and growls at you to come in’

Cat: ‘I do nothing’

DM ‘He growls at you to come in again’

Cat: ‘I do nothing’

DM: ‘Eventually the orc tires and slams the door’

Cat: ‘I knock at the door’
Cat: ‘I start singing loudly about our adventures!’

DM: ‘You’re not a Bard’

Cat: ‘I keep singing!’

DM: ‘You’re NOT a Bard!’

Cat: ‘Still singing!’

DM: ‘Make a Dex Roll’


DM: ‘A steel boot flies through the air and knocks you out’

Cat: ...
DM: ‘Before you is a wide chasm-‘

Cat: ‘I jump the chasm’

DM: ‘It’s too wide-‘


DM: ‘Roll for Dex’


DM: ‘You don’t make it, I said it was too wide. You’re falling to your de-‘

Cat: ‘I land on my feet’

DM: ...

DM (sighs): ‘Roll for Dex...’
Cat: ‘I search for secret door in ceiling’

DM: ‘There’s no-‘


DM: ‘Fine, roll-‘

Cat: ‘20’

DM: ‘By some miracle you find a secret door, but you-’

Cat: ‘I jump for the secret door’

DM: ...

Cat: ‘20’

(DM throws hands in the air)
DM: ‘Roll the dice’

Cat: ‘5’

DM: ‘The door creaks as you open it. Roll Perception’

Cat: ‘15’

DM: ‘You hear footsteps-‘

Cat: ‘I hide!’

DM: ’Too late, the guard is almost upon you!’

Cat: ‘I HIDE!

DM: ‘Roll with disadvantage’

Cat: ‘20 and... 20!’

DM: ‘You lucky SonOva-‘
DM: ‘You spot a Beholder in the chamber ahead. Everyone make a roll’

Cat: (passes)

Dog: (passes)

DM: ‘You both sneak past it-‘

Cat: ‘I cast invisibility’

DM: ‘There’s no need-‘

Cat: ‘I cast invisibility’

DM: ‘Erm... okay... you vanish’

Dog: ‘?’

Cat: ‘I cough loudly’
DM ‘You open the chest and find treasure inside’

Cat: ‘I empty the chest of everything’

DM: ‘You take out all the treasure’

Cat: ‘I get in’

DM: ‘What?’

Cat: ‘I get in the chest and close the lid’

DM:. ‘Okaaay’

Cat: ‘-and wait for a sneak attack’

DM: (sighs)...
Cat: ‘I cast ‘Animate Dead’ on the dog’

DM: ‘The dog returns, albeit undead’

Cat: ‘I kill the dog!’

DM: ‘Wha- alright, the dog ‘dies’ again’

Cat: ‘I cast ‘Animate Dead’ on the dog’

DM: ‘What are you doing?’

Cat: ‘I kill the dog!’

DM: ‘Stop it’

Cat: ‘I cast-‘

DM: ...
DM: ‘You are surrounded by Vampires closing in on you’

Cat: ‘I draw both my +5 holy daggers’

DM: ‘Dog?’

Dog: ‘Can I have a +5 holy dagger?’

Cat: ‘No’

Dog: ...

Dog: ‘I cast a spell’

DM: ‘Which one-‘

Dog: ‘Polymorph self’

DM: ‘Wha-‘

Dog: ‘-into a Vampire’

Cat: ...
Cat: ‘Casting a spell’

DM: ‘What are you casting?’

Cat: ‘Catnap, 3rd level’

DM: ‘Who you casting it on?’

Cat: ‘Myself’

DM: ‘Wha-? Make your Saving Throw vs Spells then’

(Cat fails)

Cat: ZZZZzzzz...

DM: ‘FFS...’
DM: ‘Morning breaks over camp, the party ready themselves for-‘

Cat: ‘I stay in bed’

DM: ‘But-‘

Cat: ‘I STAY in bed-‘

Dog: (excited) ‘I’M READY! LET’S GO! LET’S G-‘

(Cat stares at dog)

Cat: ‘I cast ‘Sleep’ at dog'

(Rolls dice)

Dog: ‘Muth-zzzz’

(DM holds head in hands)
DM: ‘You hear a growl from the corridor’

Cat: ‘I hide on the door’

DM: ‘Roll the-‘

(DM stops dead)

DM: ‘Sorry, say that again?’

Cat: ‘I hide on the door’

DM: ‘Don’t you mean behind?'

Cat: ‘Nope’

(Cat goes to roll, the DM stops him)

DM: ‘You’re on the door...’
DM: ‘Entering the dank caves, you spot a spider-‘


DM: ‘Roll for perception’

Cat: ‘?’


DM: ‘As you sail through the air, you reflect on your rash decision as it’s substantially larger than your usual house variety-‘

DM: ‘You enter the tavern, the patrons here look like they would literally murder a drink...’

Dog: ‘I try to be friendly!’

(Rolls for Charisma, fails)

Dog: ...

Cat: ‘I cast ‘Mass Charm’ and roll playfully on the floor’

(DM rolls)

DM: ‘Success!’

(Cat grins)

Dog: 'Grrrr...'
DM: ‘A wraith appears!’

Dog: ‘I cast Magic Circle against Evil’

DM: ‘You draw a circle’

Dog: ’Run inside!’

DM: ‘Roll for perception’


DM: ‘Dog, you spot cat outside the circle - he cannot get in!’

Cat: ‘YOU B-!’

(Dog mouthes ‘sorry’)

(Cat mouthes obscenities)
DM: ‘You spot a Troll approaching’

Cat: ‘I hide in the shadows’

Dog: ‘I hide in the shadows too’

DM: ‘Both make a hide roll’

Cat: ‘19’

Dog: ‘1’

DM: ‘Cat, even though you're hidden, dog gives you away’

Cat: ...

Cat: ‘Okay, I cast fire-‘

Dog: ‘BALL!’

(Dog jumps to catch)
DM: ‘You’re at a cliff edge with a sheer drop’

Dog1: ‘I hold the rope for the rest to climb down’

Dog2: ‘Wait - I want to hold the rope!’

Dog1: ‘Back off! It’s mine!’

DM: ‘You both tug at the rope - make a strength roll’

(Both roll the same)

DM: ...

Cat: ‘I climb down’
DM: ‘You reach the foreboding castle gate, what do you do?’

Cat: (ignores DM)

DM: ‘?’

Cat: (ignores DM)

DM: ...

(DM packs up and leaves, drives across town to home, has dinner, watches a late night movie before bed)

(3am, noise wakes DM)

Cat: (whispers) ‘I climb the gate’
DM: ‘The Elder Titan thunders after you’

Cat: ‘I hide’

DM: ‘Make a hide roll’


DM: ‘The huge feet of the Titan pound the ground, inches from you-‘

Cat: ‘I leap at the feet!’

DM: ‘It’s a Titan! You won’t-‘

(Cat death stares at the DM)

DM: (sighs) ‘Make a roll...’
DM: ‘You see a goblin war party sat around a campfire eating supper’

Dog: ‘I go into camp to stare at whatever they are eating’

(DM rolls for reaction)

DM: ‘Surprisingly, they just stare back at you’

Dog: ‘I beg for food’

(DM Rolls against Charisma - Success!)

DM: 'SonOva-'
DM: ‘The Fairy Princess thanks you and your party of heroes for rescuing her kin from the evil ice Trolls. They have been saved from slavery, torture and a cold grave. What you have done will echo for eternity in songs. She will grant you three wish—’

Cat: ‘Eat the fairy.’
DM: ‘From your hiding spot you see an Orc; he hasn’t noticed you yet’

Dog: ‘I sneak up from behind and sniff his butt’

DM: ...

DM: ‘Make an intelligence roll’
Cat: ‘I cast Bigby’s Giant Foot’

DM: ‘Wha—? There’s no such spell-‘

Cat: ‘I cast Bigby’s Giant Foot’

DM: ‘That spell doesn’t exist. Why do you want a giant foot?’


(DM sighs and rolls dice - success)

DM: 'A giant foot appears'

DM: ‘You come to a dead-end, there’s nothing here but a small hole’

Cat: ‘I go in the hole’

DM: ‘You can’t, you’re too big’

Cat: ‘I go in the hole’

DM: ‘But you’re wearing platemail!’



‘Make a wisdom check’

(Cat fails)

DM: ‘You’re stuck...’
(Stolen from Facebook - but too good to ignore, so can’t take the credit for it).

DM: ‘The wizard places a chalice on the table, filled with a strange smoking liquid. He cautions that this potion is incredibly dang—‘

Cat: ‘I knock it over...’
DM: ‘You come to a narrow passage’

Dog: ‘I walk through with my spear held out across me’

DM: ...

DM: ‘Make a Perception roll’

(Dog fails)

DM: ‘You can’t get through’

Dog: ‘Can I try again?’

DM: ‘Sure’

(Dog fails)

Dog: 3rd time lucky?

DM: ‘What’s your intelligence?’
DM: ‘The skeleton warrior shatters into pieces as it falls at your feet’

Dog: ‘Search the remains’

DM: ‘Roll for perception’

(Dog fails)

DM: ‘You only find old bones’

Dog: ‘Jackpot!’

DM: ‘What about the rest of the quest?’

Dog: ‘Screw it - I got what I came for’
DM: ‘The gem slips out of your hand and disappears under a tiny gap below the wall-‘

Cat: ‘I run full pelt at the wall and slide into the gap’

DM: ‘It’s an inch high!’


DM: ‘Okay! Okay! I get it — Roll with disadvantage’

Cat: ‘20 and 20’

DM: ‘SonOva-‘
DM: ‘With a final roar, the Red Dragon goes down, slain by a mixture of true grit and good fortune. What do you do now?’

Cat: ‘I grab it by the neck and take it back to camp’

DM: ‘What?’

Cat: ‘I grab it—‘

DM: It weighs over 10 tonnes!

(Cat rolls against 'Strength' anyway)
DM: 'You reach a wide chasm, there's nowhere to go but back the way you came-'

Cat: ‘I step across the chasm'

DM: 'But... the adventure...? You're going the wrong way-'


DM: ...

DM: ‘As you step across the chasm you hear an ominous rumble...'
DM: ‘You party comes under attack from Goblin raiders - your Paladin is trying to hold back the ambush long enough for the rest of the party to escape. What are you going to do?’

Cat: ‘I sit on the Paladin's head...'
DM: ‘There’s a Dragon swarm up ahead’

Dog: ‘I cast ‘Summon Animal Companion’

DM: ‘Okay, what animal?’

Dog: ‘A cat'

DM: ...

DM: ‘A small confused tabby suddenly appears and awaits your orders’

Dog: ‘I break out my provisions while ordering the cat to charge into battle’
Dog: ‘I want to scoot ahead’

DM: ‘Don't you mean ‘scout’?’

Dog: ‘No, ‘scoot’, something is irritating my butt... maybe I shouldn’t have licked that Orc poop.’

DM: ...

DM: ‘Roll for Dexterity, while I roll for Constitution...’

(DM fails and promptly throws up)
DM ‘The Druid throws the dart and-‘

Dog: ‘I run after the dart and bring it back!’

DM: ‘You can’t, it has hit an Orc-’

Dog: ‘I jump up at the Orc, excitedly!’

DM: ‘Roll for Intelligence’

(Dog fails)

DM: ‘The Orc removes the dart and throws it over a cliff, you follow...’
DM: ‘You have entered the Blackheart Forest, you will need to pass quietly here to avoid detection’

Dog: ‘I search the trees’

DM: ‘What are you looking for?’

Dog: ‘Squirrels’

DM: ...

DM: ‘Make a perception roll’


DM: ‘You spy a squirrel-’

DM: ‘The Ranger is wounded and near death-‘

Cat: ‘I cast ‘Cure Serious Wounds’ on her’

(Cat roll dice)

DM: ‘Your quick thinking restores the Ranger back to full health - she’s extremely thankful-‘

Cat: ‘I backstab the Ranger’

(Cat rolls dice)

Cat: ‘Ooo, Natural 20’

DM: ...
If you want to support me as a continue with my Cats & Dogs D&D narrative thread - I won’t say ‘no’ to a flagon of ale!
Cat: ‘We’ve fought a horde of monsters-‘

Dog: ‘And avoided a plethora of deadly traps-‘

Cat: 'Tell us there’s going to be some ‘real’ treasure at the end of this adventure?‘

(The DM looks down at the two words ‘stick’ and ‘string’ he has written in his loot notes)

DM: ‘Yup.‘
DM: ‘Cat has betrayed the party and stolen the Orb of Power‘

Dog: ‘I draw my bow and fire at the fleeing cat‘

(Dog rolls a critical hit)

DM: ‘Cat goes down, but springs back to her feet‘

Cat: ‘Nine lives sucker!‘

Dog: ‘I draw eight more arrows from my quiver‘

Cat: ‘Ah...‘
DM: ‘The path ends at a sheer drop—‘

Cat: ‘I climb down‘

DM: ‘You don’t have any rope‘

Cat: ‘I climb down‘

DM: ‘What part of ‘sheer drop’ don’t you get?‘


DM: ‘Fine. Roll with disadvantage‘

Cat: ‘20 and 20...‘

DM: ‘You still can’t—‘

Cat: ‘Au contraire‘
Thanks for the RT - there’s more in the thread! 😎👍🏻
Bird: ‘I want to buttstab the Dog’

DM: ‘Sorry, what?’

Bird: ‘I want to buttstab the Dog-‘

DM: ‘I thought you said that... don’t you mean backstab?’

Bird: ‘No, buttstab...’

Dog: ‘Wha-?‘

DM: ‘This I’ve got to see, roll with disadvantage’

Bird: ‘20 and 20!’

Dog: ’!!!!’
DM ‘You find a pair of magical boots-‘

Cat: ‘I put my head in one boot’

DM: ‘They’re Boots of Speed, you'll only get a bonus if you wear them as a pa-‘


DM: ‘Fine!’

Cat (grins): ‘I slide head-first towards town!’

(DM throws hands in the air)
DM: ‘You stop by the edge of an eerily quiet pool-‘

Cat: ‘I look in the water’

DM: ‘Roll Perception’

Cat: ‘15’

DM: ‘You notice movement under the water from a creature-‘

Cat: ‘I backsplash the creature!’

DM: ‘Don’t you mean backstab?’

Cat (Rolls for attack): ‘Nope’
DM: ‘You come to a set of stairs’

Cat: ‘They must be trapped-’

DM: ‘Honestly, they’re just regular old stairs-‘

Cat: ‘I’ll make a Perception roll!’

(DM sighs)

Cat: ‘20’

DM: ‘You find no traps’

Cat: ‘I have another idea!’

(DM shakes his head)

DM: ‘Give me strength...’
Cat 2: ‘I leap over the trap’

Cat 1: ‘I go under’

Cat 2: ‘Pfft... big mistake’

Cat 1: ‘Why?’

Cat 2: ‘You’ll see’

DM: ‘Cat 1, roll... Cat 2, roll with disadvantage’

Cat 2: ‘WTF-!’

Cat 1: ‘18’

Cat 2: ‘20... and a... DAMN!’

Cat 1: (whispers) ‘Under...’

Cat 2: ...
DM: ‘The treasure is just out of reach-‘

Cat: ‘I cast ‘Bigby’s Grasping Hand’

DM: ‘Great idea!’

Cat: ‘I’ll wait underneath and catch it as it drops’

DM: ‘Another great idea, you wait-‘

Dog: ‘I poleaxe the cat, jump at the hand and bag the treasure for myself!’

DM & Cat: ...
Sugar Glider: ‘I grab the cat and ride him into battle-‘

Cat: ‘You’ve got to be kidding I’m not-‘

DM: ‘Roll’

Cat: ‘You’re not going to-‘

Sugar Glider: ‘20!’

DM: ‘Success!’

Sugar Glider: ‘I sing as we charge towards the enemy!’

Cat: ‘YouSonOfA-‘

Sugar Glider: ‘THUN-DERRR!
DM: ‘You see a tiny doorway-’

Cat: ‘I climb through!’

DM: ‘Roll’

Cat: ‘1’

DM: ‘You’re stuck’

Cat: ‘I try to pull myself through’

DM: ‘Roll for Strength’

Cat: ‘20...’

DM: ‘You rip the doorway right off the wall - but you’re still stuck in it.’

Cat: ‘Just leave me here...’
DM: ‘You come to a chasm’

Cat: ‘Pfft! I reckon I could jump that’

DM: ‘Your instinct is screaming at you not to do it-‘

Cat: ‘I JUMP!’

(Cat rolls)

Cat: ‘20!’

DM: ‘-with disadvantage’

Cat: ‘1...’

DM: ‘The sound of your body hitting the floor wakes a nearby slumbering Orge’
DM: ‘You’re in an empty square room-’

Cat: ‘I hide in the corner’

DM: ‘But, you’ll still be seen-‘


DM (sighs): ‘Roll the dice...’

Cat: ‘Ha! Natural 20!’

(Cat disappears)

DM: ‘SonOvaBi-‘
DM: ‘The old knight hands you a pair of glowing boots, he explains that they have been in his family for countless generations; handed down from father to son. The warrior leans closer, seemingly keen to part with a secret which belongs with them-’

Dog: ‘I chew the boots...’
Cat: ‘I keep watch over the party while they sleep for the night-‘

DM: ‘Roll for perception...’

(Cat fails)

DM: ‘You don’t notice the resident thief of your party stepping out of the shadows, until it’s too late...’
DM: ‘You are in a forest-’

Dog: ‘I throw a stick!’

DM: ‘Okay, you throw a stick-‘

Dog: ‘I cast Locate Object’

DM: ‘What are you look-‘


DM: ...

DM: ‘You find the stick-‘


DM: ‘Please-‘

Dog: ‘I cast Locate Object’

DM: ‘-stop...’
DM: ‘Cat is sealed inside a box rapidly filling with poisonous gas. Dog, what do you do?’

Cat: ‘Open the box!’

Dog: ‘I might kill you—’

Cat: ‘I'll kill YOU if you don’t!’

DM: ‘Dog?’

(Dog sniffs his butt)

DM: ‘Well?’

Dog: ‘What was the question again?’

Cat: ‘I’m dead...’
DM: ‘Before you is a fire trap room, beyond lies your quest’

Cat: ‘I think dog should attempt the trap room,’

Dog: ‘I’m not sure-‘

Cat: ‘You can do this, I’m Lawful, would I lie to you?’

(Dog in the trap room)

Dog: ‘I’m on fire!’

Cat: ‘Evil... I meant to say Lawful Evil...’
DM: ‘You are by an open door-’

Cat: ‘I sit’

DM: ‘Okaaaay, nothing happens’

Cat: ‘I go through the door’

DM (relieved): ‘Okay! You walk through and-‘

Cat: ‘I change my mind.‘

DM: ‘Wha-?‘

Cat: ‘I go back out and sit‘

(7 hours later)

DM (sobbing): ‘You are by an open door’
DM: ‘You see the fires of home in the distance. It’s funny to think that two years have passed since you set out with hope in your-‘

Dog: ‘Woah! Woah! Woah! TWO YEARS!?’

DM: ‘Yes... two years?’

(Dog sobs)

DM: ‘It's just two years-’

Dog: ‘Do the maths! Dog years! DOG YEARS!!'
DM: ‘The Ogre is dead - dog, roll Perception’


DM: ‘You spot cat isn’t moving-’

Dog: ‘No!’

(DM nods)

Dog: ‘I bury cat’

Cat: ‘Wha-’

Dog: ‘Sad at cat’s death, I leave’

DM: ’Cat, you awaken, minus one life; it’s dark, you’re running out of air...’

Cat: ‘SonOvaBi-’
Dog: ‘Got a really good feeling about the campaign today, gonna be-’

(Dog stops mid-sentence)

Dog: ‘?’

Cat DM: ‘Hello‘

Dog: ‘Where’s the regular DM?’

Cat DM: ‘Mysteriously sick, I’m DM’ing today’

Dog: ‘Hmm... okay, only if-’

Cat DM: ‘You lose all your XP and die’

Dog: ...
DM: ‘An undead horde descend on you; sensing a fresh meal’

Dog: ‘I don’t have any magical or Holy weapons!’

Cat: ‘I quickly cast a spell’

Dog: ‘Make it count!’

Cat: ‘I cast Heroes’ Feast’

DM: ‘A huge fish buffet appears before you’

Cat (tucking in): ‘Puuurfect!’

Dog: ...
Cat: I hide in the chest’

DM: ‘It’s too small-‘

Cat: ‘I hide in the chest’

DM: ‘You’re too big-‘


DM: ‘Roll’

Cat: ‘1’

DM: ‘Nope’

Encumbered Cat (sits on chest): ‘Here, lemme help’

Cat: ‘MY FACE!’

Encumbered Cat: ‘Ah-’

DM: ‘Take 5HP’

Cat: ...
DM: ‘You’re at the top of a cliff, below is your adventuring party-‘

Cat: ‘I jump’

DM: ‘The impact will kill you!’

Cat: ‘No it won’t, I’ll cushion my fall with a bedroll’

DM: ‘You wha-? Fine. Roll with disadvantage’

Rogue: ‘20 and a... 20!’

DM: ‘SonOva- You’re in bed...‘
DM: ‘Cat, you attempt to disarm the trap, roll for Dexterity’

Cat: ‘1...’

DM: ‘The trap suddenly springs into life with you in it-‘

Cat: ‘I shout for help!’

DM: ‘Dog, roll for Perception’

Dog: ‘1...’

DM: ‘Sadly, Dog fails to notice your plight’

Cat: ‘FFS-‘
DM: ‘With sword blows raining down on it, the creature flees-‘

Cat: ‘I grab it by the tail’

DM: ‘It’s huge! There’s no way-‘


DM: ‘Roll with disadvantage-‘

Cat: ‘20... 20’

DM: ‘FFS...’

DM: ‘The beast screams as it’s suddenly hauled backwards-‘
DM: ‘You see a rope hanging down above a chasm. It appears to be the only way to get to the other side-‘

Cat: ‘I attempt to grab the rope’

DM: ‘Roll the dice’

Cat: ‘16-‘

DM: ‘Minus 7 for the difficulty, makes that 9...

Cat: ‘Wha-‘

DM: ‘SO close, yet, SO far...’

Cat: ...
DM: ‘There’s a new party member today-’

Kitten: ‘Hello!’

Cat: ‘Great, another Cat. What can ‘he’ do that ‘I’ can't-‘

Kitten: ‘I hide on Dog’

Dog: ‘Wha-?’

DM: ‘Roll with disadvantage’

Kitten: ‘16 and 20...’

DM: ‘Success!’

Dog: ‘Where did he go!?’

Cat: ‘Oh, he’s a keeper!’
DM: ‘You see a waterfall-‘

Cat: ‘I drink some water’

DM: ‘You sure? It’s looks pretty dangerous-‘


DM: ‘Roll’

Cat: ‘1’

DM: ‘You slip-‘

Cat: ‘I try to hang on!’

DM: ‘But, you've already failed-‘

(Cat stares at DM)

DM (sighs): ‘Roll’

Cat: ‘1...’
DM: ‘You’re trapped on a ledge; below, an Orc has seen you and is notching an arrow-‘

Cat: ‘I leap at the Orc’

DM: ‘What? It’s too far-’


DM: ‘Roll with disadvantage’

Cat: ‘20 and... 20! DEATH FROM ABOVE!’

(DM throws the rulebook out of the window)
DM: ‘You leave the undergrowth and come to a ravine. There’s a pole here-‘

Raccoon: ‘Can I reach the pole?’

DM: ‘No’

Raccoon: ‘Can I jump, but turn and grab the ledge in case I miss?’

DM: ‘No‘

(Raccoon jumps, but tries to hang on)


DM: ‘The enemy are below, unaware you’re hidden in the tree’

Panda: ‘I’m going to draw out my nunchucks. Then, I’m going to leap out of the tree. Finally, I’m going to do a tumble attack’

DM: ‘Roll the dice’

(Panda rolls and stares at the dice)

Panda: ‘I’ve change my mind...’
DM: ‘You come to a dark room’

Cat: ‘It’s too quiet’

DM: ‘A ball suddenly rolls into view-‘

Dog: ‘BALL-‘

Cat: ‘Stop! It's a trap!’

(Dog shakes)

DM: ‘A feather appears and dangles tantalisingly in the air’

(Cat stiffens)

DM: ‘Roll vs Bait’

(Both fail)

(DM grins deviously)
DM: ‘You’ve discovered the legendary spear, Windvane-’

Racoon: ‘I'll use it as my main weapon!’

DM: ‘Whoooah, not so fast, you're not the right size to wield it-’

Racoon: ‘I don't care, I'm using it!’


Racoon: ‘Look at me! I'm carrying, oh-’
DM: ‘You’re trapped in a crushing room. Your only chance is to find a way to activate the button on the other side of the door-‘

Cat: ‘I cast Summon Animal’

DM: ‘What animal?’

Cat ‘A mouse’

Dog: ‘Yes! He can crawl under the door and-‘


Dog: ‘You bast-‘
DM: ‘The Ogre lumbers towards you both’

Cat: ‘I draw my sword’

Dog: ‘I ready my lute-‘

Cat: ’What?’

Dog: ‘I shall play us a tune!’

Cat: ‘You plan to sing it to death?’

Dog: ‘Guess what my strings are made from?

Cat: ‘?’

Dog: ‘Catgut’


DM: ‘Your loot has been stolen-‘

Dog: ‘I sniff out the culprit!’

DM: ‘Make a roll’


DM: ‘The paw of suspicion falls on the cat-‘

Dog: ‘The Monk!?’

Cat: ‘I request a trial by unarmed combat’

Dog (drops sword): ‘suits me!’

(Cat extends claws)

Cat: ‘Oops’

Dog: ...
DM: ‘It’s day 3, and the tracks you’ve been following lead to a clearing. Roll for Perception’


DM: ‘You realise you camped here 3 days ago’

Dog: ...

Cat: ‘That means those tracks-‘

DM (grins): ‘Are your own!’

(Cat glares)

Cat: ‘And you call yourself a Ranger...’
DM: ‘Okay, I’ve a fantastic campaign set for you both today-’

Dog: ’Any skeletons?’

DM (checks): ’Yup’

(Dog fist-pumps, Cat rolls their eyes)

Cat: ‘Any rats?’

DM (checks): ’Nope-’

Cat: ‘Spiders?’

DM (checks): ‘Nope again-’

Cat (indignant): ‘Forget it, I'm outta here...’
DM: ‘You’re back-to-back, trapped by Orc raiders-‘

Dog: ‘I draw my sword, waiting for the Orcs to attack. I swear they will feel the bite of this Paladin’s cold steel’

Cat: ‘I ready my daggers’

DM: ‘The Orcs close-‘

Cat: ‘I attack the dog’

Dog: ‘Wha-‘

Cat: ‘20!’

Dog: ...
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