I really like that she points out here that it's manipulative to make a public performance of regret without a private attempt to reach out and make amends. This suggests to me Adams is still abusive, he's just smarter about hiding it. https://twitter.com/todayshow/status/1280126618367864834

It's also instructive that someone as confident, beautiful +talented as Mandy Moore would have fallen into Adams' web. Abusive men (or people) tend to create trauma bonds, which are difficult to leave. It's how the abusers prevent themselves from being abandoned.

If you know anyone who seems to be in a relationship like this - and almost every woman does - making them aware is the first step. (Although they will be resistant to leaving.) Here's how to spot it.

https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

There's a song in which Phoebe Bridgers, another brilliant woman who fell into Ryan Adams' web, makes a reference to his "hypnotherapist." He seems to need deeper help than that. But he has to be motivated to change and that doesn't seem to be happening, from this "apology."

And never believe that abusive relationships cannot happen in the professional or upper middle class. They are wildly common. Mandy Moore is smart. Ryan Adams is wildly charismatic. These are emotional dynamics, not logical or intellectual ones. They come from subconscious needs.

Also a reminder that abusers rarely, if ever, change. If you have a friend in this situation you have to emphasize that. The path of trauma bonding is almost always one of escalation: Little comments leading to bigger insults and then attempts at physical dominance and abuse.

This appears to be what happened to Mandy Moore: Adams got colder and more full of rage towards her over time because she was in his "inner circle." Abusers are often cruel to those close to them bc they consider them emotional threats. They are nicer to people they don't know.

When their targets finally leave, abusers like Adams find it easy to pick another one and start the same cycle all over. (See: Adams and Phoebe Bridgers.) They need the feeling of control and they keep refining their methods of getting it. Therapy helps but they resist it.

The thing about abusers like Adams is that they are master negotiators. They will promise *anything* to avoid the abandonment that terrifies them. Subconsciously they want to make abandonment impossible and manipulation is their way of achieving that. Adams is showing this now.

IMO the reason that Adams did not reach out to Mandy Moore or any of the other women is because he's not really sorry; rather than seeing himself as abusive, he still considers them emotional threats. He's just shopping for a new target (and ofc the restoration of his career.)

One interesting way to tell an abuser is that, like Adams, they will not apologize and say sorry to the person they wronged but they WILL bypass that person and do anything possible to take control of the public narrative, painting themselves to others as wronged + misunderstood.

What happened to Mandy Moore is a masterclass in dynamics that people almost never talk about publicly, especially at that social level. It's like a trance or a spell and it's full of shame. Good for her for getting out and then speaking out.

And again, if you suspect this in a friendship, please know that telling your friend that the guy is "no good" will NOT work. She's trauma-bonded to him. The process is extrication is slow until something wakes her from the trance. This book is an essential read:

Reading about psychology has honestly been one of the most rewarding things I've ever done, especially during the pandemic. It's amazing how many cultural stories (not to mention art, TV, songs, movies) are really about trauma and psychological wounds. Highly recommend.

Another thing: These dynamics are loops. They are patterns that re-occur within the relationship. Also: Often the abuser was once abused in this way, and perpetuating the pattern is their Groundhog Day - trying to find catharsis - until they hit rock bottom and get to therapy.

Given that very convenient and weak apology, it doesn't sound remotely like Ryan Adams has either hit rock bottom or realized that he's done anything wrong. He's just negotiating again so he can get power back; a powerless childhood is common in abusers and they try to fix it.

Anyway if it can happen to Mandy Moore, it can happen to any woman. So pay attention to yr friends and how they talk about the men in their lives. Many features of abuse are hard to spot and abused women will work hard to hide them from others. (They are ashamed.) Be attentive

Also honestly, even outside of the Ryan Adams extreme cases, a lot of men have anger issues and suppressed rage. That's worth therapy and anger management classes too. You don't have to be abusive to seek help. Take care of common problems too, before stress makes them extreme.