Being a survivor of sexual abuse can be lonely and isolating, thanks to shame and trauma.

Having supportive friends and family around us can make the world of difference in so many ways...

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including managing trauma responses, coping with anxiety/depression and navigating our healing.

For those closest to us to be supportive, it is essential they have the information and tools needed.

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An easy mnemonic from @RAINN is TALK:

“TALK” to survivors:
* THANK them for telling you
* ASK how you can help
* LISTEN without judgment
* KEEP supporting

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First of all, they need to understand the impact of sexual harm and how it can leave long-lasting emotional scarring.

A deeper understanding of how trauma works, and all the ways PTSD can affect our lives day to day is also important.

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The ability to tune into our needs and the space we are in, especially recognizing signs of dissociating, overwhelm, and feeling triggered are all crucial if those dear to us are going to help us with the fallout.

So, where to begin?

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The main thing is that although survivors may have a lot in common, triggers and go-to trauma responses are very individual. Knowing our triggers and those we need to avoid is really important.

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e.g., if our loved one knows we are triggered by a certain song/artist, they can help us leave the room at a party if that piece is played. This is just one of the many ways they can help protect us when we feel unable to avoid situations.

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If we are feeling overwhelmed or exhausted, they can perhaps make an excuse for us to break a prior engagement so we can rest.

So, how do those close to us gain the understanding they need to be what we need?

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Talking, hard as it can be, is the best starting point. Be it our partner, our children, our closest friends - find a way to explain what we are facing. This does not need to include ANY detail, merely the fact there is past sexual trauma.

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If possible, explain the ways it impacts our lives, what is hard for us, what feels unmanageable, when are we most likely to dissociate, etc.

Then, signpost them to information. There are endless resources on the RAINN website.

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Books like The Courage to Heal, or Broken Pieces & Broken Places by @RachelintheOC are also useful texts, as well as @CStreetlights books are amazing, too.

An understanding of trauma - the effects on the brain and how it shapes our behavior is important, too.

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To learn about trauma after sexual assault/abuse, a great website with accessible documents/articles is http://www.jimhopper.com 

Keep the lines of communication open. Ask them what they need to help you. Let them ask you what you need from them.

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This is the best way to involve those closest in our healing journey.

Ensure they have a support network too, people they can speak with if living with a loved one who is a survivor of sexual abuse weighs heavy at times.

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Try to foster compassion in your relationships, two-way compassion - it is hard living with sexual trauma, and equally, it is hard watching a loved one suffer because of it.

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Compassion and understanding are key elements to promote in your relationships with those around you if they are going to help you heal.

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Not sure how to share or when to share? Here is a wonderful resource to share with family and friends who may not know what to do with a family member who discloses abuse

You can adapt it for yourself when disclosing:

https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/2017-10/friends_and_family_guide_final.pdf

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How have you interacted with friends and family with regard to your abuse and found ways to navigate with them? (No explicit abuse info, please)

Example: I don't do well in crowds, so we all avoid crowds (obvi, can't do that now with #COVID19 anyway)

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Another example: horror movies are a trigger for me. I cannot stand the jump scares or how the 'bad guy' is coming for the victims.

I see absolutely no benefit to these kinds of movies - FOR ME. So my guy and kids don't watch them around me

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Here are some specific phrases @RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline staff recommends to be supportive through a survivor’s healing process.

“I believe you. / It took a lot of courage to tell me about this.”

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It can be extremely difficult for survivors to come forward and share their story. They may feel ashamed, concerned that they won’t be believed, or worried they’ll be blamed.

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Many of us didn't have this kind of support when we shared our story and wish we had. Many of us are supportive of other survivors because we didn't get the support we needed. Or maybe you haven't disclosed yet.

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Leave any “why” questions or investigations to the experts—your job is to support this person.

Be careful not to interpret calmness as a sign that the event did not occur—everyone responds to traumatic events differently.

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The best thing you can do is to believe them.

“It’s not your fault. / You didn’t do anything to deserve this.”

Survivors may blame themselves, especially if they know the perpetrator personally. Remind the survivor that they are not to blame.

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“You are not alone. / I care about you and am here to listen or help in any way I can.”

Let the survivor know that you are there for them and willing to listen to their story if they are comfortable sharing it.

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Assess if there are people in their life they feel comfortable going to, and remind them that there are service providers who will be able to support them as they heal from the experience.

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“I’m sorry this happened. / This shouldn’t have happened to you.”

Acknowledge that the experience has affected their life. Phrases like “This must be really tough for you,” and, “I’m so glad you are sharing this with me,” help to communicate empathy.

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For more info, go to http://RAINN.org  and specifically,

Here’s the FRIENDS & FAMILY TOOLKIT: https://www.rainn.org/sites/default/files/Toolkit_0.pdf

https://www.rainn.org/articles/tips-talking-survivors-sexual-assault

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