Okay cis straight men who are sexually attracted to women I'm gonna be real with you right now:

I'd say the majority of you have done something that's made a woman really seriously uncomfortable at least once in your life.

[cue 50000000 of you bursting into my mentions telling me how you are PURE AS THE DRIVEN SNOW and have NEVER ONCE OFFENDED A LADY WHY OH MY GREAT GOSH GOODNESS I AM APPALLED BY YOUR INSINUATIONS]

Shut up

Think about it.

Think about times women around you have laughed nervously, have fidgeted with their keys, glanced at their phones, looked away again and again. Think about how they've sat, arms crossed, leaning away from you as much as they possibly can

Think about all those random drunken hookups you laugh about now with your buddies. Memories from your carefree youth!

I bet you anything she's not laughing about it. I bet you she doesn't like to think about it at all.

Some of you have done worse than make a woman/women uncomfortable.

Some of you have done things that are legit traumatizing.

And you don't even realize it.

[TW: rape, sexual assault]

Some of you have raped/assaulted women and you probably don't even know.

It doesn't matter if you were drunk

It doesn't matter if you were high, or at a party, or having fun, or whatever.

Some of you are the reason for someone's trauma

And you know what? Most of you are probably decent people. Most of you are probably good friends. Fun to be around. Just regular dudes who may even have wives/girlfriends who love you very much. You're not monsters.

But you're the reason some woman somewhere is afraid

So what can you do?

Well first you have to admit what I'm saying (and not just me) is true

And secondly you have to talk about it.

Not to women or people socially considered women. No.

You have to talk about it with your buddies. Your co-workers. Your dude relatives. Your sons if you have them.

You have to do this. You HAVE to.

Your buddy is telling a HIGH-larious story about a drunken hookup?

Stop him and say something like "whoa dude that doesn't sound hilarious for the girl" or "huh that's not that funny really, it actually sounds kinda gross"

[Note: I probably shouldn't have included the word "straight" in the first tweet, as bisexual men are definitely also guilty of this so I apologize for that]

You have to work really hard at changing the culture in male-dominated spaces by making it clear there's really no distinction between "good men" and "men who have hurt women."

Dudes can be both. Dudes are usually both.

And this isn't to say that because most men have done it we shouldn't call out individuals who are particularly bad because I can see people twisting my words to mean that. This isn't tabula rasa, where everyone's on an equal footing now.

Some of you are really bad

Some of you deserve to have your careers ruined [gestures broadly to the Gross Book Men who are currently being exposed]. Some of you deserve the Ronan Farrow treatment. Some of you have been getting away with hurting people for far too long

But for the rest of you here's some advice

1. don't look up women you believe you've hurt to apologize to them if you've been out of contact for a while. That's not fair to the woman and it's only for your own peace of mind. Leave her or them alone PLEASE

2. pay the people who are educating you on here. pay them when they share their stories of sexually-induced trauma. pay them when they open up their mentions to the worst this website has to offer to talk about assault/rape/harassment

3. don't demand someone else absolve you; that's not how this works. don't apologize to me or anyone else on here making similar points. don't do performative public self-flagellation. don't put your bad feelings on someone else's shoulders, especially an internet stranger

4. interrogate and refocus how you consume media. think of what you read and watch and then read books written by women; read women journalists, women scientists, women politicians.

5. TALK TO YOUR DUDE FRIENDS

I know I said this before but I'm saying it AGAIN because it's that important. Acknowledge to THEM how you've messed up and push them to do the same. Don't make it the responsibility of non-men to do all the educating. Do your part.

6. learn to exist in the world while exhibiting constant situational awareness of how you are acting and how you might be making women/women-present ppl uncomfortable. Women/women presenting ppl have to be aware all the time to stay safe...now it's your turn

Ok that's all I got for now.

If this thread has been helpful please consider paying me. The money goes to financing my cat rescue: https://twitter.com/ellle_em/status/1259945800379117570?s=20

[and yeah, cis gay men do this shit too though I think for different reasons.

In fact let's just address this thread to Men In General ok]

Addendum, now that I'm fully awake:

1. I am well aware that non-men can and do commit sexual assault. I understand this. But this isn't a thread addressing that. This is a thread addressing the particular "dude culture" that sees a divide between "regular guys" & rapists

2. Trans men are men. I started out addressing this thread to cis men because again, I was responding to a particular "dude culture" that is overwhelmingly cis and straight and allosexual but all men--trans, queer--are capable of these behaviors

3. I am queer nonbinary person who understands identity is complex and hard to generalize. BUT there IS a "dude culture" that exists among mostly straight, mostly cis men who refuse to self-reflect about how they have victimized women

4. If you want to make a thread about how non-men have victimized you then by all means, you should. tag me in it, I'll RT it.

This thread is about men.

UPDATE: look I get the impulse to self-confess in response to this thread but uh, it's....not great? To do that? Like? The point isn't to have you all try and out-apologize each other but to talk to people in your lives, make a concerted effort to get others to change

Performative flagellation on here, to me--a person you don't know who is kind of captive to whatever you write in response--is just more of the same sort of impulse to burden someone else with your mistakes.

Just. Read the thread! RT it! Talk to ur bros!

And read this thread too because it's important: https://twitter.com/ellle_em/status/1276120198521774081?s=20