I have just invited a raccoon into the hammock with me and the raccoon has obliged.

The raccoon stares at me for a while. Like, “you invited me up here, now what”

Now what indeed

So I very slowly put one foot down and then the other on either side of the hammock and slowly try to stand up. I’m maintaining eye contact with the raccoon as if my life depends on it.

Here is my second miscalculation of the evening: as I take my weight off of the hammock, the raccoon starts to slide towards the middle.

I am straddling the hammock and the raccoon is sliding straight at my crotch and all I can think of is the laser scene in Goldfinger.

I chuckle a little. The raccoon doesn’t like this noise. Or he doesn’t like the sliding, or both. He tries to turn around and climb back to his end of the hammock but instead now I’m straddling the raccoon like I’m playing horsey with it.

I shout something, maybe “Christ”? I don’t know. The raccoon also makes a kind of disgruntled old man noise that probably means the same thing.

I do a profoundly inelegant dismount, bringing one leg up way too high to get it over the raccoon and end up falling on the ground.

The raccoon looks down at me from the hammock. He grunts. He settles in.

The raccoon is outside in what I assume is now his hammock.

I am inside on the couch with ice on my groin because I definitely pulled something.

Anyways I’m still not a fan of the Rolling Stones.

Yes, I came home from an eye exam and they put in the drops where you can’t see for a few hours and I thought I was letting in the cat but I let in a groundhog who ate all the cat food and wouldn’t leave. He came back to the door every day for a week and I never told my wife why. https://twitter.com/ms_christinak/status/1275291131002204161