This is a really huge thing. People who are socialized as women are taught to specifically suppress their needs for the approval of other people. It is a *radical* act for women to learn to recognize and speak up for their own needs. https://twitter.com/ciaraioch/status/1275016597137166336

The dynamic is that women are socialized to be anxious and terrified of any social exclusion, because women are also taught they cannot possibly exist on their own, that they need protection. This is how you cut out someone's connection to their own survival instincts.

It is no coincidence that a lot of therapy (or meditation) is about learning to reconnect with your own emotions, because so much of the world is about distracting you from your own internal guidance.

Almost every woman has a childhood/adolescent incident that taught her that her body belongs to other people and not herself - anything from comments to forced kisses and hugs to grabs to outright assault. Taking back physical ownership of the body is necessary work for all women

If you're a woman, IMO you live in a traumatized body until you recognize and reprogram what the world has put on your physical characteristics. I highly recommend this excellent book by Bessel van der Kolk, which therapists love. https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748

A staple concept in therapy and in meditation is that the mind/body binary is false: When we ignore our emotions, they live in our bodies until they can get our attention. Learning to "feel" where emotions live in your body - areas of hurt, congestion, pain - is essential.

One of the things you learn in therapy is that not all trauma is "big" - it is what you experience and process as painful. A comment could trigger someone's childhood pain easily, bringing it all to the surface. The comments women hear about our bodies are ongoing trauma IMO.

This is why I talk so much about attachment theory; it's about delving into the lessons about yourself that you received from caregivers, and then reprogramming where necessary. There's no need to carry old stories around and cast new people into the same old movie in your head.

You have women talking to friends about how they're so bad at setting boundaries and spending years in therapy for it -- well, of course! You were taught to, because that's how we teach girls to be biddable, to put aside their own interests and needs for other people.

Btw, people socialized as men are also taught to cut their connections to their own instincts+feelings, and learn to dehumanize others in turn. (Look at the posts on Twitter!) Learning to understand emotions is a huge project for men, and this is why they should be in therapy.

The patriarchy relies on toxic tropes that are designed to suppress our survival instincts and it isn't helping anyone at all, y'all. It's just dehumanizing everyone. Overthrowing the patriarchy helps everyone - people of all gender identities - thrive in their full humanity.

Let me add a potentially useful tip here. If you are a woman who suspects you may not be in touch with your needs, practice this: Whenever you think of someone else's needs, also stop in that moment and check in with your own. That will teach you how to be there for yourself.