Read on Twitter
I watched the worst movie ever this week, who wants to hear about it?
It was that #365days trash-fire, mute the hashtag now if you do not want spoilers or to hear about an abusive kidnapping packaged as romance.
My review: This film makes 50 Shades & The Room look like ART
My review: This film makes 50 Shades & The Room look like ART
#365days
“Polish gangster erotica”
It’s the #1 trending movie on Netflix and like Pandora or Eve, I had to know.
Polish: Yes, it’s Polish
Gangster: General Hospital had mafia plotlines, so, sure
Erotica: In the most technical sense, it is full of sex scenes?
“Polish gangster erotica”
It’s the #1 trending movie on Netflix and like Pandora or Eve, I had to know.
Polish: Yes, it’s Polish
Gangster: General Hospital had mafia plotlines, so, sure
Erotica: In the most technical sense, it is full of sex scenes?
#365days Massimo is a Sicilian gangster and a douche
Laura is a Polish sales director at a big hotel
Massimo has a near-death experience when he and his dad are shot after making it clear to another criminal family that they do NOT do human trafficking crime.
Absolutely not!
Laura is a Polish sales director at a big hotel
Massimo has a near-death experience when he and his dad are shot after making it clear to another criminal family that they do NOT do human trafficking crime.
Absolutely not!
#365days Ironically Mr. “No Human Trafficking” sees Laura a few years later where she’s on vacation and he immediately drugs & kidnaps her back to his lair, which is covered in giant portraits of Laura.
#365days
He tells Laura she has 365 days to fall in love with him.
She, understandably, is like “No” “Fuck you” and also “Y so many creepy pictures of me?”
He tells Laura she has 365 days to fall in love with him.
She, understandably, is like “No” “Fuck you” and also “Y so many creepy pictures of me?”
#365days
Massimo explains he had a near-death experience and saw a vision of a woman - Laura - who he’s decided is his destiny. So he had the pictures made. (Was a police-sketch artist involved?)?
All she has to do is “embrace the adventure destiny has brought her”
Massimo explains he had a near-death experience and saw a vision of a woman - Laura - who he’s decided is his destiny. So he had the pictures made. (Was a police-sketch artist involved?)?
All she has to do is “embrace the adventure destiny has brought her”
#365days
He promises her he won’t touch her until she wants him to.
Readers, he breaks this promise so much.
SO MUCH.
He promises her he won’t touch her until she wants him to.
Readers, he breaks this promise so much.
SO MUCH.
#365days
Shopping montages, inexplicable scenes where he takes his kidnapping victim as his date to gangster stuff (His family are pretty supportive, actually, like, “Creepy painting girl, aw, you found her?”) and foiled escape attempts proliferate.
Shopping montages, inexplicable scenes where he takes his kidnapping victim as his date to gangster stuff (His family are pretty supportive, actually, like, “Creepy painting girl, aw, you found her?”) and foiled escape attempts proliferate.
#365days
Oh hey he watches her sleep and shower and he also showers in front of her and the “no touching until you’re ready” rule is like, he won’t have PIV sex I guess? There’s slapping, groping, choking, threatening, and nonconsensual bondage stuff a-plenty.
Oh hey he watches her sleep and shower and he also showers in front of her and the “no touching until you’re ready” rule is like, he won’t have PIV sex I guess? There’s slapping, groping, choking, threatening, and nonconsensual bondage stuff a-plenty.
#365days
After Massimo-The-Creep buys her skimpy outfits & shames her for wearing them, Laura decides to embrace her role as bratty-sub/tease a little bit, like, I’ll use what power I apparently have? She gets him to have his chef make her pierogi at least.
After Massimo-The-Creep buys her skimpy outfits & shames her for wearing them, Laura decides to embrace her role as bratty-sub/tease a little bit, like, I’ll use what power I apparently have? She gets him to have his chef make her pierogi at least.
#365days But after he murders a dude for touching her in a club he dragged her to, touching off another gang war (I have lost count of how many rival gang wars are going on) and he threatens to kill her she’s like, “enough!” and throws herself off his creep-yacht into the sea.
#365days
He saves her from drowning.
She bangs him out of...gratitude? Might-as-well curiosity? Weariness? Idk.
He saves her from drowning.
She bangs him out of...gratitude? Might-as-well curiosity? Weariness? Idk.
#365days
Dull Yacht Sex Interlude
I have not yet told you of this movie’s greatest crime.
It is the *music,* sung by the actor who plays Massimo-the-Creep.
Dull Yacht Sex Interlude
I have not yet told you of this movie’s greatest crime.
It is the *music,* sung by the actor who plays Massimo-the-Creep.
#365days
Think, Week 3 of The Voice, when Team Adam is still awash in indistinguishable boy band rejects, and think single entendre song titles like “Hard for Me” and “Way Down We Go” (the latter synced to when Massimo is kissing down Laura’s body, GET IT?)
Think, Week 3 of The Voice, when Team Adam is still awash in indistinguishable boy band rejects, and think single entendre song titles like “Hard for Me” and “Way Down We Go” (the latter synced to when Massimo is kissing down Laura’s body, GET IT?)
#365days
Apparently the actors have been furiously denying rumors that the sex was unsimulated.
Cool. I promise, nobody actually thought it was real.
Athletic: Yes!
Real? No.
Apparently the actors have been furiously denying rumors that the sex was unsimulated.
Cool. I promise, nobody actually thought it was real.
Athletic: Yes!
Real? No.
#365days
Anyhoodle Laura gets dickmatized at last and is like “cool I’ll be your kidnap victim/lady” and Massimo’s like “Good, there’s a ball” and we get yet another shopping spree & a makeover scene- notable because the actress seems relaxed and fun when Massimo is absent.
Anyhoodle Laura gets dickmatized at last and is like “cool I’ll be your kidnap victim/lady” and Massimo’s like “Good, there’s a ball” and we get yet another shopping spree & a makeover scene- notable because the actress seems relaxed and fun when Massimo is absent.
#365days
The ball: The women (& only the women) are wearing masks - it’s all very @CovetFashion if you know what I mean and I know some of you do - and TWIST:
The host is Massimo’s ex:
A rival gang boss!
Who he dumped by text the day he kidnapped Laura!
The ball: The women (& only the women) are wearing masks - it’s all very @CovetFashion if you know what I mean and I know some of you do - and TWIST:
The host is Massimo’s ex:
A rival gang boss!
Who he dumped by text the day he kidnapped Laura!
#365days
The ex...Anna?...is like “oh you finally found her” because probably the whole time she was dating Massimo-The-Creep there were all these paintings of another lady around?
And she threatens to kill Laura and take away Massimo’s “most precious possession.” Yikes.
The ex...Anna?...is like “oh you finally found her” because probably the whole time she was dating Massimo-The-Creep there were all these paintings of another lady around?
And she threatens to kill Laura and take away Massimo’s “most precious possession.” Yikes.
#365days
So Massimo sends Laura back to Poland where he’s rented her a nice place, to keep her out of danger from the exponentially-growing number of gang wars.
She reconnects with her best friend, there are more shopping sprees and another makeover (Laura goes blonde)!
So Massimo sends Laura back to Poland where he’s rented her a nice place, to keep her out of danger from the exponentially-growing number of gang wars.
She reconnects with her best friend, there are more shopping sprees and another makeover (Laura goes blonde)!
#365days
And look, here is where I just started fast-forwarding every time a horrible pop song played or Massimo-the-Creep was onscreen.
Blah blah mafia war
Blah blah wedding dress shopping?
Blah blah Laura is pregnant & must choose something something
THE END
And look, here is where I just started fast-forwarding every time a horrible pop song played or Massimo-the-Creep was onscreen.
Blah blah mafia war
Blah blah wedding dress shopping?
Blah blah Laura is pregnant & must choose something something
THE END
#365days
Enemies-to-lovers and/or erotica/romance where the heroine is a little bit kidnapped is a classic trope-
Think Outlander where every member of the entire Frazier family for generations gets kidnapped like it’s their job (has someone ever charted this btw?)
Enemies-to-lovers and/or erotica/romance where the heroine is a little bit kidnapped is a classic trope-
Think Outlander where every member of the entire Frazier family for generations gets kidnapped like it’s their job (has someone ever charted this btw?)
#365days
This film is abusive garbage.
It is not fun. “It’s like, 50 Shades, but how do we make the abusive guy even less sympathetic?” Answer: Add murders, one of which she sees during an early escape attempt, and remove the pretense that this is a romance from the start.
This film is abusive garbage.
It is not fun. “It’s like, 50 Shades, but how do we make the abusive guy even less sympathetic?” Answer: Add murders, one of which she sees during an early escape attempt, and remove the pretense that this is a romance from the start.
#365days
I cannot stress this enough: It is not a fun-bad movie, a “so bad it wraps around to good” movie, that will become a midnight drive-in classic.
It has the line “Are you lost, baby gurl” intoned unironically at least twice
IT IS TEDIOUS AF
I cannot stress this enough: It is not a fun-bad movie, a “so bad it wraps around to good” movie, that will become a midnight drive-in classic.
It has the line “Are you lost, baby gurl” intoned unironically at least twice
IT IS TEDIOUS AF
#365days If you read this and are like “haha now I kinda wanna see it”
I have failed.
End Of Transmission.
I have failed.
End Of Transmission.
