Extracts from the plague diary of Mark ne-Francois-Pepys

May 27th

ACT V. SCENE I. Durham. Ante-room in Barnard Castle.

Enter Doctor MATT HANCOCK and a Waiting-Gentlewoman, LIZ TRUSS.

1/11

DOCTOR HANCOCK
I have two nights watched with you, but can perceive
no truth in your report. When was it Dom last walked?

LIZ TRUSS
Since the Johnson went into the fridge, I have seen
him rise from his bed, throw his beanie upon
him, unlock his closet, take forth his blog,

2/

edit it to predict things he didn't, afterwards seal it, and again return to bed; yet all this while in a most fast sleep.

DOCTOR HANCOCK
A great perturbation in nature. In this slumbery agitation, besides his walking and feckless performances, what have you heard him say?

3/

LIZ TRUSS
‘Leave means leave, Stay alert. Let's go WHO’ Stuff like that. Lol.

Enter LADY MACCUMMINGS, with a taper

Lo you, here he comes! This is his very guise;
and, upon my life, fast asleep. Observe; stand close.

DOCTOR HANCOCK
How came he by that light?

4/

LIZ TRUSS
The WH Smith discount bin at Leeming Bar services:

DOCTOR HANCOCK
Ace. You see, his eyes are open.

LIZ TRUSS
Ay, but their sense is shut.

DOCTOR HANCOCK
Look, how he rubs his hands.

LIZ TRUSS
It is an accustomed action with him, to seem thus

5/

washing his hands: never using soap and water.
He is superforecaster, not superspreader.

LADY MCCUMMINGS
Yet here's a beauty spot.
Out, damned spot! out, I say!--One: two: why,
then, 'tis time to do't.--Durham is murky!--Fie, my
lord, fie! a Prime Minister, and afeard?

6/

What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our power to account?--Yet who would have thought the young boy to have had so much piss in him that we had to stop the car during my eye test.

DOCTOR HANCOCK
Do you mark that?

LIZ TRUSS
OMG. He has spoke what he should not

7/

LADY MCCUMMINGS
Here's the smell of the piss still in the boot of the Overfinch: all the perfumes of Halfords will not sweeten this boot of seventeen tango bottles full of pizzle from our journey up the A1. Oh, oh, oh!

DOCTOR HANCOCK
Well, well, well,--

8/

LIZ TRUSS
Mega awks! God it be, sir.

LADY MCCUMMINGS
Shake everyone’s hands, put on your bumbling act; look not so pale.--I tell you yet again, The story is buried; it
cannot come out on's grave. We can never be prosecuted for our sporecrimes.

DOCTOR HANCOCK
Even so?

9/

LADY MCCUMMINGS
Shit. To fridge, to fridge! there's knocking at the gate:
come, come, come, Boris, give me your integrity. What's
done cannot be undone.--To fridge, to fridge, to fridge!
Exit

DOCTOR HANCOCK
Will he go now to fridge?

LIZ TRUSS
Directly.

10/

DOCTOR HANCOCK
Foul whisperings are abroad: unnatural needs
Do breed unnatural troubles: infected minds
To their deaf pillows will discharge their secrets:
More needs he the divine than enamel badge.
God, God forgive us all!

11/

So, good night:
My mind is so unsuited to being contrite.
I shrink, and dare not speak.

LIZ TRUSS
Of course Matt, we want to keep our jobs.

Exeunt