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I will be subtweeting all the various specialties until that one resident returns.
âOooh, Iâm gonna look at someoneâs uvula and review their med list and call that an H&P.â
âAnyone, anything, anytime unless itâs someone on the wards and I gotta see them again tomorrow.â
âYeah Iâll come in but first you have to tell me what you saw with the fancy magnifying glass you never learned how to use. Iâm not gonna listen to your wordsâI just wanna hear you struggle.â
âI spend a lot of time reminding people Iâm also a doctor unless Iâm on an airplane.â
âAdd PPI BID, avoid NSAIDs, will re-evaluate them in clinic in eight weeks (that oughta give âem enough time to find some insurance).â
âHey we were going to take this 28 year old perfectly healthy patient with a piping hot appendix but we saw they once filled a prescription for amlodipine two years ago so, uh, could you write the H&P and make us a consult?â
âI hate ureters.â
âMy entire specialty is predicated on a single treatment modality. Hope they donât invent something better than nuclear decay or Iâm out of a job!â
âI chose my specialty because I like really long HPIs and esoteric physical exam findings, but I never was much for the âplanâ part of the âassessment and planâ. Also, maybe it was a seizure, maybe it wasnât. Who can say, really?â
âWe didnât find anything on the cath. Hereâs $450/month of new meds anyway.â
âI definitely went to med school to make lots of money.â
âI donât really care for kids all that much I just wanna wear my bow tie free from ridicule.â
âIâm so important, I take care of the sickest people* in the hospital.â
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*people who donât have documented end-of-life decisions on file and who never wouldâve wanted this
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*people who donât have documented end-of-life decisions on file and who never wouldâve wanted this
âI can tell you the chemical structure of the substance they ingested but the only literature on the subject is a case report from 1985 when a factory fell over. Maybe try giving some NAC?â
