This afternoon I ate some expired hummus that seemed just fine.

Reader, I am here to tell you that it was not fine.

Earlier this evening I expelled the majority of it, along with everything else I have recently consumed, across multiple delivery vectors.

For the last hour or so I was laying on my middle son’s floor in the fetal position, trying to sweat it out.

It was sealed, it wasn’t too long past the date, it looked and smelled and tasted fine — I mean, it looked and smelled and tasted fine the first time I saw it today https://twitter.com/RadioFreeTom/status/1265099259290046464

As my son Theo once memorably reported at age six, “first I threw up out of my mouth and then I threw up out of my bum” https://twitter.com/slurketta/status/1265101466517286918

I am definitely not https://twitter.com/jsbruce/status/1265101800660705281

Alternate theory: I started to read Dune about fifteen minutes before disaster struck. Maybe I’m allergic to Dune.