Lasting (romantic) relationships

~a thread of personal opinions~

1/n

Some people who struggle with relationships because they approach them like diets: apply willpower, achieve a socially approved result, stop making an effort, yo-yo back.

Meanwhile, a relationship is a new state that you enter and have to maintain, new skills and habits.

2/n

Relationships thrive with these factors:

1. respect and admiration
2. paying attention
3. a united front
4. similarity
5. negotiation

3/n

Both sides in a relationship need to feel respect towards each other, and even better, find something they admire in the other person, and express this through compliments.

(In contrast, contempt signals the end of the relationship.)

https://twitter.com/fvathynevgl/status/1253042304161583104

4/n

Both sides need to pay attention to their partner expressing emotions, or asking to share activities.

A "bid for connection" is an opportunity to demonstrate that you want and will cooperate, and that you care about your partner's state.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

5/n

You should bid for connection because:

- you will feel cared for, important, secure
- you can check that your partner buys into the relationship equally
- it reveals your prerefences to your partner

6/n

You should respond to bids for connection because:

- your partner will feel cared for, important, secure
- you demonstrate to them that you buy into the relationship equally
- you learn to fulfil your partner's preferences and/or negotiate your incompatibilities

7/n

To sustain a relationship, both sides should build an identity of a unit with common interests.

Setting up opportunities for your partner to shine in public strengthens the relationship, and using others to undercut the partner (eg. public shaming) destroys it.

8/n

The more partners are similar to each other, the easier it is to do all of the above, because there are fewer misunderstandings and/or conflicts of preferences.

But this also means fewer opportunities to practice negotiation and conflict resolution.

9/n

Negotiation is important because, again, both sides need opportunities to demonstrate:

- willingness to cooperate
- ability to cooperate (not sabotaging)
- honesty and vulnerability
- revealing priorities and values

Negotiations are about building trust.

10/n

Equal opportunities to give/take, or bid/respond, are important because both sides need a similar amount of trust in each other.

Traditional gender roles fuck this up for both genders, which is why I'm not a fan of them.

11/n

Not expressing your needs = you can't learn to trust them, they don't know you very well.

Not responding to their needs = they lose trust in you

No opportunities to respond = loss of self-respect and self-efficacy ("do they really need me?").

12/n

Incidentally, the famous "do I look fat in this dress" is a bid for attention, not compliments.

Figuring out what to say so she stops bothering you, because you're not interested, is a self-own. *She can tell you're not interested and she's just asked you to change that*.

13/n

~End thread~