Have been hankering after a gastropub-grade burger, served on a useless bit of slate with four chips. So today I am attempting to recreate this experience.

Step 1: burger buns. I've used @RichardBertinet's enriched dough recipe.

Step 2: burgers. I've made and eaten a LOT of burgers over the years, but yet to find one that better than these from Lidl.

(Yes I know they're 2 days out of date they've been in the freezer)

Ok, relish. Obviously lots of ways you can do this but I've gone with a sweet chilli salsa - red onion, coriander, lime juice, tomatoes, sweet chilli sauce.

Step 4: choose your serving plate. Have gone with a slate mat lined with baking paper, because nothing absorbs burger grease better than a combination of two completely impermeable surfaces.

Step 5: garnish. A tiny bowl of not-quite-enough ketchup, and some watercress nobody will eat.

Step 6: chips. I'm going for blanched and oven baked Maris Pipers in a jenga formation, but a tiny flowerpot or metal pen holder from IKEA will do.

Step 7: layers. I warmed the buns but didn't toast them; feel free to toast. I went for relish (on both halves of bun) and a giant tomato slice, feel free to add pickles, lettuce, other burger gubbins.

Step 8: cheese. Slice some cheddar, whack it on the cooked burgers and put the lid on. Leave for a few minutes to melt (upturned bowl also fine if your pan doesn't have a lid)

While your cheese is melting, arrange chips in your pretentious manner of choice.

Assemble, whack a wooden stick through the middle, serve. Et VOILA, a gastropub burger that looks lovely but is impossible to eat.

Absolute filth. Need a lie down.