A lot of people are asking “Why’s reopening taking so long?” and that's a fair question, but please be patient w/the CDC, which is working hard to contact each and every COVID particle to remind it not to infect people as long as they are just trying to have a good time

There’s not a simple, one-size-fits-all answer, here! This has been a huge public education effort to get the word out via PSAs, radio, television, virus fax — COVID is in a lot of places, and there are a lot of particles who just aren’t interested in not infecting people.

It’s going to take time to get the word out in COVID schools and make sure every droplet gets the message: Infecting people is a big no-no when the economy is on the line! Just say no to infecting humans! That’s not an easy sell everywhere — lots of COVIDs want to stay at work.

And it’s a hard balance to strike — on the one hand, COVID is a non-sentient virus that doesn’t give a single flying fuck about you or your family or why you’re packed on a bar patio with a dozen other chucklefucks, but on the other hand, should that matter even a little bit?

It’s easy enough to stay home if you’re a COVID who works a white-collar gig with a safety net, but a lot of COVIDs aren’t going to be able to say no to a restaurant full of people talking and eating. This is culture shift work, and it takes time.

Please be patient and give the government time to work with the COVID community to ensure that untold billions of deadly infectious virus particles develop the ability to selectively infect people who breathe for bad, America-hating reasons.

In the meantime, protect yourself! Whenever you’re out and about, scream I’M HAVING A GREAT TIME FOR AMERICA at three-second intervals — the COVIDs will be intimidated by your love of country and find some sad sack grandma to kill instead of you, a strong and good person