I posted a couple of weeks ago about looking for a therapist for the first time. I'm glad to say I found one (on a friend's recommendation) and she is BRILLIANT. Already so many things make sense and have context. I'm sharing this so that others are encouraged to explore therapy.

I'm also firming up my rule: I am absolutely *never* dating a man who unless he's been to therapy and unwrapped whatever unresolved issues he may have about his mother or significant women in his life in the past. It's good for everyone.

Men! Please do this!

Because I never thought therapy would be useful for me, let me explain why it's productive and even essential even if you don't have mental health struggles in your past or you hate talking about feelings out loud. (As I do!

The main thing is: Childhood is formative for everyone, and looking back into those dynamics illuminates a surprising amount of the way you look at the world as an adult. We are forever trying to fix and re-parent our childhood selves. Seeing those patterns is constructive.

Therapists help deconstruct and reconstruct these childhood needs and what you're trying to address, in a way that is -- importantly -- psychologically safe and leaves you with a roadmap for repairing these issues. Family therapists (even for singles!) are especially good at that

This goes beyond what's described in popular culture as "mommy issues" and "daddy issues" but really gets into the tremendous influence that our early caregivers have on us. And then interactions with peers, early perceptions of us we carry in the world.

So a good therapist takes all that and works on patterns you're repeating in your adult life that are designed to "repair" the early issues - being avoidant and oversensitive about control to "fix" an overbearing parent, eg, is common. Or needing to please for a neglectful one.

I didn't really think therapy was transformative unless you had something "big" to fix. Or that it was signing up for years of talking without results. But it's not! A good therapist moves you towards seeing clearly, and then working on, the way you move through the world.

Of course there are bad ones too so get recommendations. You probably have to try some and maybe will move on. I lucked out thanks to a good friend. So! If you are able, there is no reason not to do it.

Additionally, what I liked is that good therapy is not about *blaming* or *scapegoating.* The opposite: It compassionately explains that so much of what people do is about trying to make the world safer for themselves. It's just about awareness.

Anyway I know there is often an undeserved stigma around therapy and that does not need to be the case. Good therapy can help anyone to be wiser and kinder over time and with effort. I only share private/personal observations if they can maybe help others. Thanks for reading!

Smart things about finding a therapist:

1) pick the *kind* of person you're comfortable talking to. For instance, I find Gen X or Boomer men overbearing, so I looked for a woman in her 30s-50s. Achievement unlocked.

2) Therapists should encourage you to talk, not force it

Finding a therapist contd

3) A good therapist directs you to self-discovery without doing all the work to tell you what's "wrong." It's a series of epiphanies with a tour guide, basically.

4) Use recommendations

5) If you're not making progress, get a new therapist

(All of that is what people told me, and it was right)

Also in major cities this is common - in New York or LA, it seems almost everyone is in therapy so it doesn't take a sell. But Paris, London, or small towns in the US, it's seen as only for "big" issues. It's for everyone!

Another thing for my people of the word: Sometimes people are afraid that therapy will destroy their creativity, that they won't have material without their demons. QUITE THE OPPOSITE. It clears your mind so you can better organize the material. I had writer's block; no longer.

And a final thing: Sometimes you will run into people who only like you when they think you're broken and get threatened when you're whole or thriving. It's different from someone liking *all* of you, whole and broken. Therapy will identify and guide you away from those vampires.

I'm glad to say I didn't have any vampires like that in my life. But my therapist said it often happens that people exist who only get interested in someone when they seem broken, bc it makes them feel superior or bc misery loves company. They will drag you down to the bottom.

This is a *crucial* distinction bc therapy will reset all of yr relationships, and the ones that reset to "healthy" survive; the ones that thrive on harm will disappear as you get stronger. So pay attention: Someone who likes all of you, even the flaws, regardless of circumstance