An article about friendship showed up on my timeline, and I have unspecific uneasy feels about it. I'm going to try and poke at them via Twitter. This is an experimental and possibly temporary thread. https://www.thecut.com/2020/05/ask-polly-why-do-my-friendships-always-fade-away.html

I recognise these problems:

- good listener, great at soliciting opinions and supporting, unreciprocated
- single person on a different life track than married people with kids
- dropped for more important relationships
- community that doesn't feel like a community

2/n

People like to talk about their issues with others of a similar background because they don't have to explain as much, they feel understood.

So the closer you are to "an average", the easier it is to find someone you share experiences with, the more potential friends.

3/n

If you're very weird, you may be shit out of luck. It's not your fault, it's not your friends' fault. It may just be that you're the last unicorn.

4/n

I first saw this expressed in a book on social skills that said (rephrasing) "sure, be yourself, but have you considered that by purposefully picking unusual hobbies you're self-sabotaging your ability to find friends? Would you consider picking up, like, idk, running?"

5/n

Reading books on social skills fiercely fucked up my self-esteem and confidence. I realised I had no skills for being attractive, interesting, fun, or assertive.

I started blaming myself for even more of the bad stuff in my life. I was terrified it was too late to fix it.

6/n

Before, I used to believe in the "be yourself and you will attract people like you". I thought "myself" was a given, unchangeable.

After, I realised that "myself" is a result of life choices, and I could choose to adapt. With few people like me, I had to improve my chances.

7/n

That was a few years back. I've since put myself through some grueling effort to socialise more. Very few people know about this, because I started from "too anxious to order a pizza by phone", and I didn't want to be mocked/pitied/rejected as cringey.

8/n

It was really unrewarding.

Sometimes I wonder whether it wouldn't have been easier to stay oblivious and baffled. At least back then it wasn't so barefaced obvious that I was hurting due to my own unskilfulness and making the wrong choices early on.

9/n

I now know a lot of people but these relationships are dependent on whether I'm putting in the energy. If I don't invite people or reach out for some time (like when I'm sick), nothing happens. If I don't go somewhere convenient to them, we don't meet. And so on.

10/n

Now, the article's advice is to just say no and/or express your needs. I don't really have good experiences with that.

As a casual acquaintance, I am the lowest priority. I can choose to be flexible or not. Inflexible = weeks without personal, non-work f2f human contact.

11/n

With the new focus on skills, I used to think that if only I could become better at X, people would start valuing me.

Having read more about sales and branding, I realised it is not about my value, but about other people's needs. Or rather the lack of them.

12/n

After 30ish, people's basic social needs are fulfilled by their partner, children, parents, college friends. They spend effort maintaining those relationships. Anything else is a free sample - they're happy to eat it as long as it's free.

https://siderea.dreamwidth.org/1202657.html 

13/n

And it was also gutwrenching when I finally found "my people" and they appreciated doing things with me, but also they didn't want to be friends, hang out, or even keep in touch. I never found out why.

14/n

As I'm sitting here in quarantine, I'm coming to terms with the fact that it might be too late, after all. Most musical chairs have been taken. Only the employer and the landlord really need me - to facilitate their relationship.

And so, grief.

https://twitter.com/fvathynevgl/status/1259766145986560000

15/n

It's a weird cognitive dissonance, as if I've turned into one of those elderly people you see in ads at Christmas.

Like a health condition, loneliness is something you think won't happen to you - you're normal, you make an effort to keep up - until it does.

16/n

On the other hand, it is also weirdly freeing and (awkward to admit) turns one cynical.

When I can tell someone isn't matching my effort to deepen the relationship, I have no reason to continue giving, other than quid pro quo, how useful a contact they are.

17/n

I've run out tweets for today, so: end thread :)